Christmas

Hope you all had a merry Christmas. I just mailed the Christmas cards today, so be patient, yours is coming.

We spent just over two days - Christmas Eve day and Christmas - at Travis's parents place in Barnum. It was a really hard visit, actually, since Emily was so easily overwhelmed and I had a hard time sharing her. The second night, she was awake every other hour pretending to want to eat but then screaming instead of eating, so I was really tired on Christmas. She had so much milk on her that her whole face and neck was sticky by the time we came home last night. Her head was sticky, too, but that was from cow's milk. She was sitting on my lap when I tried to take a drink, and just as I started to tip the glass, she sneezed. Now, you have to remember that when she sneezes, she throws her arms up over her head and pulls forward, so she got her little hand behind my glass and then yanked it forward. There was milk everywhere. So as I was trying to mop up the milk, she somehow got her hand on my glasses and pulled them off my face!! It's okay - you can laugh, and if it had happened to anybody else I would've laughed too, but I was too tired to put up with being laughed at, and I just about lost it. I kept it together until I went to change my clothes, but you all know how well I hide emotions, so although I didn't say anything I'm sure they all knew I was pissed. I wasn't mad at Emily - she doesn't know those are her hands, and it wasn't her fault she sneezed at that moment. But I was mad that I got laughed at. I hate thinking about what a terrible parent I must look like by appearing to get mad at my infant. It wasn't her - it was the incredible lack of sympathy. I hate wearing my glasses but I can't wear my contacts anymore because they don't correct my astigmatism which has gotten worse since Emily was born. It's so frustrating. And I felt like I was being thrown one thing after another and doing my best to deal with it, but as soon as I had a glaring failure, everyone laughs. It sucked. But it really was a nice Christmas in Barnum, if you discount all of my own personal issues.

So my poor girl had a really hard time with all that excitement. It seemed like I would just get her calmed down, fed, changed, and happy, and someone would want to hold her or play with her. By the time she came back to me she was screaming, poopy, and too wound up to eat even though she was hungry. My mom says I was just the same way, which is nice because I have a little help from her knowing how to help deal with it, especially when we visit Rockford, but hard because I know hard it is to be that overwhelmed little girl. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, especially not someone who is as special to me as Emily. I wish she didn't have to start from scratch on the issues that I've spent my life trying to deal with - sensitivity, insecurity, etc.

Friday we go to Rockford for Johannsen Christmas, which will be fun with the gift opening that night. The next day, though, extended family descends upon my parents' relatively small house, and it's bound to be chaos. Don't get me wrong, it'll be fun to see everybody and it's really special that all of us can be together in the same place, but I'm dreading how hard it will be on Emily. I guess I'll stay in a back bedroom while she's awake and visit with people while she sleeps, and try to keep her in as quiet of surroundings as possible. I guess we're not really all together if I'm hiding in a back room, but I'm going to try to do better at "protecting" her and putting her first this time.

Okay, my daughter needs me. Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.

What a rollercoaster!!

Okay, so I have finally worked something out part-time with Deere, but it's not at all what I expected it would be. In my frustration, I sent an email to another Deere unit in the Des Moines area called Intelligent Vehicle Systems, where they make the satellite navigation systems for other Deere products. The opening they had was for a gal (Molly) who is going on maternity leave in February who also works part-time (this is her 2nd kid). They were thinking that January could be a good time for us to overlap, and I could pick up the ropes to work for her until she comes back in April. Her job is to analyze warranty data, so she works a lot with QE's, supply management, and test engineers. The position is actually within the Product Verification and Validation group (PV&V). In working with those other groups, by April I should know where I might fit into the organization with another part-time position so Molly would have her job back when she returns. The manager of the PV&V group that I spoke with was very supportive of young moms working part-time, and sang the song about how if Deere wants to stay competitive and diverse they'd better get with it and make things flexible for their employees, and the plant is making a big mistake to not do that. I was SO happy to hear that! And the last great thing about this position is that in a few months, it's totally open for me to decide that it isn't working, and instead of transitioning to a new department I could quit without feeling like I was abandoning someone who went out on a limb for me to get a part-time position. Or I could continue.

So just when I thought I was getting this figured out, I called the childcare provider that we had liked the best (also named Molly, ironically) to tel her I'd like to spend some time at her house today or tomorrow (since that's all I have left of maternity leave - how fast it went!!!). She said she had determined her part-time rates, and that they are $10 less than her regular full-time weekly rate. Because that doesn't seem like a good deal, we've started from scratch on the daycare search. I talked to Molly again this morning that I was still looking, but in a pinch I hoped she could be my provider because I did feel really good about leaving Emily with her. Basically the discussion didn't go well, not because she isn't a really sweet person but because she's trying to defend her business against people who take as much as she can give her. It was awful for me to realize that I was being that person, because being a musician I can totally understand that people will take as much as you will give - and then think you charge too much. So I don't know if it's going to work out with this Molly.

It's so frustrating. Just when childcare looked promising, the job wasn't working out. Now that the job is working out, the childcare isn't!! I wonder if it's even worth it, except I really did have a good feeling about starting at AMS. But then there's moments like this morning, where Emily stopped nursing just as my milk let down to look up and smile at me. There was milk running everywhere - dribbling out her mouth, all over her face, down my arm and my side - and I didn't care one bit because my beautiful little girl was smiling at me.

And so the saga continues. What a mess.

More frustration

My work/not work decision has come down to whether Deere can offer me part-time work or not. After all the hard thought and careful planning I had put into my decision to go back to work part-time, I thought I would feel glad to leave the final say in someone else's hands, just so the pressure was off. But now that that's coming about, I'm afraid I'll wish I had more say.

I went in to work today, just to show Emily off to people. It was fun to see everyone again, and especially fun to have them say how beautiful my baby is (who wouldn't enjoy that??). Long story short, I won't be able to work part-time at the plant. The policy says that they will promote part-time work and encourage managers to help employees in that situation, but they also have concretely fixed headcount numbers. This means that in order to work part-time, a manager needs to either split one full-time job between two people or reduce the position to part-time, essentially forfeiting half a person. No manager in their right mind would forfeit half a person worth of manpower, and they sure wouldn't want the hassle of dealing with two part-time people instead of one full-time. So of course all the managers said no. One of those managers that was contacted told me today that he was initially excited about finding a part-time spot for me, said he had a quantity of work that would be a good fit for me and for the organization, but he was told from higher-up that he couldn't add half a position. It's ridiculous, since now that work will just be forced onto other unhappy and overworked full-time employees, who will probably also consider finding new employment. When will Deere get the picture that it's not the middle of the farm crisis anymore?!?! People can find other good jobs now, and they're not promised a fat pension upon retirement, so why be loyal to Deere? By not offering part-time work or onsite daycare or onsite workout facilities or actual health insurance (instead of "health care plan" bullshit), they're going to lose out to companies that do offer them. Deere is screwing over their youngest generation of employees by not having HR policies for the 21st century, and in doing so they're just screwing themselves.

*sigh* but I guess that doesn't matter so much to me anymore.

I will be so relieved to have the decision made, and if I stay home I can't wait to be looking forward to getting in a routine with Emily and jumping wholeheartedly into my new career. The part really is killing me is that I am not worth the effort for Deere Des Moines to keep. I'm highly educated, motivated, and I'm really good at my job!!! I'm good at being a QE, and I'm a good metallurgist. But not I'm worth the effort to keep. I'm trying not to take it personally, since I seem to be a victim of ridiculously backwards policy, but it's hard, since it seems to have so much to do with what people are willing to do for me.

There are two things left to check. I have an awesome contact at corporate who actually does think I'm worth keeping, and she is going to see if I can do corporate labwork on a part-time basis from the lab at Des Moines (at which point my self-confidence begins to rebound. ahh...) I would be able to work in the lab, doing what I like best, and NOT have to deal with Tom or any other production-related crap that comes along. That's a big maybe, but at least it's a good option. There's also another unit in Urbandale that works with satellite navigation for agricultural equipment, and they seem to be one of the more forward-thinking units in the enterprise. I have emailed their HR dept to see if they can do anything for me, which would probably just be plain old quality engineering work. Either way, I will not be going back to work for Tom. It would be just plain unhealthy for me and Emily.

And since this should be a blog about her, I'll add a bit about what she can do now. On her picture website (see link at right) there are pictures and video of her holding her head up, which she can do for several minutes if she's put down on the floor while already looking up. So cute! But then she gets really mad, which is not quite as cute. :) Right now, she is cooing at her fish-gym on the floor, so I'm going to go play with her. She is so fun to play with, making sounds and faces. At least nobody can take my favorite job away from me!!

Milestone

I guess if it was a milestone going up, it's a milestone coming down. 150 lbs!! yay! and without really trying - unless you count limiting dessert to one helping "trying."

And, Emily really doesn't have any kneecaps. I've always wondered if that was true about babies, and it is! She does have lusciously fat legs though. :)

No right decision

It's 7:15 AM, and I've been awake since 4:18 when Emily was hungry. She went back to sleep around 5 (such a good girl), but I couldn't relax again. It's so hard to sleep when you've been awake long enough to not be sleepy, but not long enough that you're tired again. I probably dozed some of that time, but most of the time I was still mulling over how to make this stupid decision about going back to work. I know - it's the perfect time to make life-changing decisions, in that foggy realm of semi-consciousness. It's not like I've come up with anything better in the daytime, though. I've asked everybody I know for advice, and my list of pros and cons has expanded considerably because of it. But it is no more definitive for me, except my desperation is growing to the point where I just want the easiest, least-stressful way out of this limbo.

Several things happened yesterday: I started working on some arrangements that my bro-in-law asked me to do for a Varieties skit at ISU. Basically, he needs 4 songs arranged for a small pit orchestra - pretty fun. I had forgotten how much I enjoy doing those arrangements, and how satisfying it is that I feel like I'm good at it. Then I got a phone call to play a gig tomorrow night in a quartet, which is also a throwback to my college days and a fun deal. I got a letter in the mail from the Des Moines Symphony saying I could again audition to be an extra, and although it would be a lot of work to be ready to audition by January 8 and there's no guarantee that I wouldn't be right back auditioning in the fall, I might do it. And then I got an email from my boss saying that my position "will not be considered for part-time." He postponed the meeting we were supposed to have until January, and when I told him I needed a decision on part-time work before then, that was his response. I talked with my dad about how to proceed, whether I should try to find another manager who I could work part-time for at the plant or go another round fighting for my current position. It was nice to have someone definitively say that I absolutely cannot put myself through the stress of working for Tom anymore. Whatever I do, I've gotta get out of that department.

I can't devote any more sleepless nights to this decision. It seems pretty clear that my life will be plenty full without a job at Deere, and that there isn't anything that great waiting for me there if I wanted to go back. The job I had been enjoying a year ago is essentially gone, when considering how much of my enjoyment of it stemmed from having healthy management, fun coworkers, and the self-confidence that comes from job familiarity. Since all of that is gone or very much diminished, I can't really go back to it anyway.

Gosh, it sounds like I've made a decision. We'll see how long that sits well in my head. As always, comments are very welcome. solicited, in fact!

Work sucks.

I got my performance review from my boss. I had talked to him before I left for maternity leave, and apparently he retained nothing from that discussion. His comments were full of questions that I had already answered when we talked one-on-one. If he hadn't waited 6 weeks to write his comments he might have actually remembered what I had told him. Worst of all, he rated me down in the category of "adapting to change." I am so upset about that that it's made it hard to sleep. I mean, in the past year, I've had a new manager, new coworkers, new responsibilities, and even operated with NO manager for a while, and successfully completed everything I worked on - while pregnant!! And, since the fiscal year didn't end until Oct 31, I accomplished everything a month ahead of time. The most frustrating part is that it's keeping me up at night, and I just have to CHILL OUT. I mean, Emily slept 6.5 hours last night without waking me, and I slept less than 6 of that because I couldn't settle down. I am most angry that I let this idiot get to me - which is a Catch-22, of course, so I just go around in circles.

So I'm trying to do what I can to get comments changed and corrected, and to do so I have to go in to work. Fortunately, Trav's brother Pat is willing to watch her while I go in to work. He was going to drive from Fort Dodge just to spend an afternoon with her anyway, so this works out well. Still, it sucks that I have to make special arrangements to get my boss straightened out when he should've had this all done before I went on maternity leave.

I'm not so excited about going back to work...

scatterbrain

Every once in a while I get a thought in my head worth blogging about, but when I do have a two-handed moment, I can't think what they were. It's just as well, since I had a very sobering experience tonight, having nothing to do with motherhood. Travis and I happened to turn on the TV and see Andy Rooney. I haven't seen him in years, not that I ever did pay that much attention to him, but he's gotten REALLY old! Like, skin-falling-off-his-face old. And he had such tremendous insights as "I don't think anybody calls the fourth of July 'Independence Day' anymore; we all just call it 'The Fourth'," and "I don't think even the Labor Unions make much of Labor Day anymore'." He gets paid to spew crap! And I was inspired to blog. Anybody else enjoying that irony as much as I am? Even if it is at my expense. :)

So, after hearing Rooney randomly leak his decaying brain juice, I felt like a little piece of my brain had in turn rotted away because I insulted its intelligence. I hope I haven't treated you to the same experience in my blog over the past year. I don't know how much I'll continue blogging, but if I ever can get a significant thought to stick until I can get to a computer, I'll add it. As Emily grows, I'm sure there'll be more bragging to appear on this site.

This isn't a farewell or end, just a warning that the updates will be less frequent. Thanks to all of you who've been so encouraging to me from afar. I am so glad I started this when I found out I'd be Emily's mom someday. Isn't that wild? I'll be her mom forever. It's crazy scary and incredibly cool at the same time. :)

I am officially speaking too soon

So I might be figuring out,this mothering-thing. Emily has had great nights the past 3 nights or so, sleeping 3 - 4 hour chunks of time and going right back to sleep after a snack and a change. She even wiggled herself back to sleep once! During the day, I'm becoming a little more sensitive now to knowing whether she's bored-fussy or tired-fussy, and more patient with just sitting with her while she sleeps. She will take a longer nap in the morning, and micronaps in the afternoon of 10 - 20 minutes - or longer if she's got a warm body to sleep on. What a sweet baby. :) She's a great eater, and even better pooper, except when I have pizza for dinner in which case she develops a case of the screaming shits about 4 AM. ("Sorry, honey, at this point you've just gotta work it out on your own...") She is so close to smiling, and she makes sweet little cooing noises too, usually after she's had an especially satisfying meal. I kiss her all the time - I can't help it!!

I even figured out that while she may not take a pacifier from me (she knows I have the real thing), she might suck on my finger. It's such a wild feeling - and amazing how hard she can suck!! This little trick was a lifesaver when I was driving across town the other day and didn't have a pacifier, which she would've just spit out anyway. I reached back to rub her cheek, hoping that would help the fussing, but she grabbed hold of my finger and was a happy camper until we reached our destination and she could finish her lunch. It was both funny and morale-boosting at the same time. Is it possible that I'm actually getting the hang of this?

Today is Travis's last Monday at class, so my last regularly-scheduled superlong day. There will be others as things come up, of course, but it sure is nice to have the end of his collegiate career approaching. I'm trying to think of nice ways to commemorate it, and haven't come up with anything good just yet.

A fun story -
Emily has a pair of jeans that are just hilariously cute on her. She was kicking away on her changing table as I was getting her dressed, and her feet would disappear up into her jeans upon retracting. I had a sock ready for whatever foot stuck out, but it was like a game of Whack-a-Mole, trying to guess which leg would be next. Okay, I guess it isn't that funny when written out, but I have to entertain myself somehow.

And, she still loves her pictures. What a lifesaver!

As for me, I started looking for childcare, and actually talked to one person (no openings) and she's going to call me if she knows of any openings elsewhere. I have 6 or 8 others to call, and hopefully that will lead to others and I'll get something worked out. The gal I talked to today was talking up her profession, telling me she gets 3 or 4 calls a week asking if she's got openings, so it wouldn't take too long to find people willing to let me watch their kids. I hadn't really considered it, and I doubt that's what I would do, but interesting to know it's such a viable option. I'll add that to the list of options, which now include having my part-time outlet come from playing in a symphony. If my third try with the Des Moines symphony doesn't pan out, perhaps i can play in Waterloo again, since I played in that group in 2003. But auditions for both aren't until August, so I have some time on that one.

Is anybody else tired of Christmas commercials already??

The same old quandary

It's November. I really can't put off this decision much longer. I must start looking for daycare for Emily, and it's breaking my heart to realize this. Travis and I had a long talk about it on the way back from a Halloween party (a few pictures are posted on our google site - cutest Jack-o-lantern ever!). I guess, I talked and Travis listened supportively. I am "cursed" with the fortune of a husband who is fine with whatever I decide, and a financial situation that doesn't dictate what I need to do. Since I've never worked part-time before, how am I supposed to know if I'll be satisfied doing that? And, another thing with finding day care for Emily is that if it doesn't work for me to do part-time work at Deere, then I'll stay home and it's a wasted effort, so there's another reason that I want to put it off.

Would somebody just tell me what I need to do, already?? :)

The Halloween party was really fun. I have such creative friends!! The costumes were all really clever - except for mine, which wasn't a costume at all because I'm too lame to come up with anything. It was great to get out and be social, though. And, Iowa State actually won a football game, so it was fun to feel celebratory as well.

Also, if anybody has any ideas on how to entertain someone who cannot lift her own head and doesn't know that she has hands or feet, I'd really appreciate it. Right now my repertoire includes singing, dancing, bouncing, tummy time, looking at pictures on the wall or other fascinating objects, and walking around the house. Other ideas?? I can already tell she's not going to be so easily entertained here pretty soon.

A suitable Mom-Do

I got my hair cut yesterday. I liked having long hair, and it was pretty, but it wasn't practical for someone with my new profession. Each night I'd take out my ponytail and find it still damp in the middle, and after Emily grabbed a fistful and wouldn't let go, I made the appointment. It's chin-length now, so my weird curls are making it look very jouvenile, but whatever - I can still pull it back and it's not so gross and damp now.

Emily is 3 weeks old today. It's amazing what she can do already, for still being an infant! We were having some tummy time the other day and she was able to lift her head and face the opposite direction! She's done that while holding her, but she can do it flat on the floor too. She can track objects, which my What To Expect the First Year book says that most babies may be able to do after two months. (*sigh* Look at me - I'm already one of "those" moms.) She loves her black and white pictures so much that the other night - although she was screaming in hunger - she was captivated enough to push me away so she could look at her pictures over my shoulder. As a result, she got milk sprayed up her nose. Life is tough, girlie!

We're doing a little better for nights these days. Last night she slept from 4 AM until 8:30, and although I was really really ready for her breakfast when I woke up, it wasn't the agony of the first few days. I learned the hard way that I shouldn't eat salsa that has beans and jalapenos in it, because it makes Emily's tummy hurt. I feel like I inadvertently tortured my little girl, the poor thing! But even when she's upset, she's still pretty pleasant and would much rather be looking around at things... except that then she remembers she's upset and wails a little more. I can hardly complain, considering babies are known to scream all the time for no reason.

Well, I should use my two-handed time wisely, because I'm never sure when Emily will need me. It's weird that I've been looking forward to October of this year ever since... well, October of last year, pretty much, when we started seriously planning this adventure. And now it's October 31, and I am moving onto the true Motherhood stage of things. It feels like a turning point, especially now that all the Grandma's visits are through and it's just me and her for the next few weeks. Who knows what fun adventures we will have! I just heard an explosive poo from the pack'n'play, though, so I think I know what adventure awaits me when she wakes up...

Pictures are updated: http://picasaweb.google.com/sullyjava/EmilyClaire

Two weeks old!

Emily had her 2-week checkup today, and she has grown an inch since she was born! She's two ounces shy of 10 lbs, although a few ounces here and there are accounted for by the massive pooping she likes to do. She's blown out 3 outfits now, and Travis thinks it's hilarious to be holding her while business is going down. Apparently it's her oblivion to what the other end is doing that really cracks him up.

I have been updating pictures on her picasa webpage, so you can see for yourself how beautiful she is. She has slept for as much as 3.5 hours in a stretch at night, but also can be awake for that same length of time. It's frustrating when that stretch is 2:30 AM until 6 AM, but nice when it's in the afternoon and she is awake to charm her grandparents and uncles. I think she gets bored, and wants to eat for lack of ability to do anything else. She likes gazing at the bears on a mobile that hang over the pack'n'play, or the fascinating black-framed photos on the wall of the living room. Sometimes she's bored with them, sometimes she gets overwhelmed - can you imagine being overwhelmed by a 3-inch stuffed bear? :) Fortunately, my supply has regulated itself a bit so I can handle the snacking better, and my chest is no longer in constant agony.

Travis's mom was here to help me through my long Monday. Trav still has 3 classes left before he's officially done with grad school, so that's 3 more weeks of him leaving at 7 AM for work and home at 10 PM from class. It's so much better when he comes home from work at 5 like normal! And he misses his girl, too, being gone all day. I can't even fathom leaving her for a few hours, much less going to work all day. How on earth am I supposed to figure out going back to work?!?!?

E-Claire

She is definitely cream-filled, from the rate she's been growing!! we are alreadyputting away 0-3 month things, and dressing her up in other things that we've been given, taking pictures and packing them away. not only are her legs long and gorgeous, but she likes them out straight much of the time, so length is the main issue. considering her parents, are you surprised?? :) And, she almost smiles. She will make the most pleasant faces when she's dreaming, and it won't be soon before that nice expression bursts into full smile. I can't wait - though can't imagine how she could look any more gorgeous to me.

Emily and I are both just rousing from naptime. Grandma Nancy is here making us a big batch of chicken noodles for supper tonight and next week. It's a beautiful fall Iowa day, so windows are open and sunshine pouring in with a breeze that's almost too cool, really, but it smells so good I'm just wrapping Emily up a little tighter and enjoying it.

I'm feeling better and better each day as things heal and my milk supply gets a little regulated. Engorgement is an experience that's almost indescribable, but a close approximation would be if somebody surgically inserted softballs into your existing boobskin, then pummeled all around for an overall bruised feeling. I don't know if there's a trick to feeding her the right amount from each side, but I must be a little slow on it if there is because generally every 2 hours, night or day, I have at least one side aching to feed her - or anything - something, please release the pressure!! Then when i do hook her up, she sputters as if she's drinking from a firehose. Poor girl! Over the past few days she has discovered how to be fussy, which is frustrating since I'm still not able to differentiate what cry means what. My list of what could be wrong is expanding - gas, hot, cold, burp, bored, overstimulated, overtired, poopy, or just plain feeling fussy - so hopefully my troubleshooting will improve soon.

One thing that I left out of my story of childbirth was how hungry I got throughout the day. They consider every laboring woman to be a potential C-section, which is surgery, which requires anaesthesia which means empty tummy. I was used to eating about every 4 hours or so going into the induction, so I spent a lot of the day begging for food, thinking I should just sneak some crackers or something. They gave me popsicles, which helped a little but not much. That's another reason I was so annoyed with them being so concerned with her blood sugar after birth - maybe if they'd let ME eat something, she'd have been better off!

I keep updating the pictures at the picasa website below, so check back for updates. She just gets more and more bright-eyed every day. :)

The story of Emily Claire

In case you haven't gotten an email from us (or we sent it to an address you don't check often - sorry!), we are the proud parents of Emily Claire Sullivan. Pictures are posted at http://picasaweb.google.com/sullyjava/EmilyClaire

Stats: 9 lbs, 5 oz, 21 1/4" long. (BIG girl) Born October 10 at 5:50 in the afternoon.

Story (the gory details that Travis didn't email out):

We checked into our delivery room at about 9:30 Tuesday night, and after all the paperwork and initial talking, they started labor artificially by putting a dose of something (can't think of the name of the stuff) right by my cervix to get it started ripening. They also gave me Ambien to help me sleep through the pain as it started going. I slept from 10:30 to 1:30, when they checked me again to see if it had done any good. I had gone from basically nothing to 1 cm, negligibly effaced. Unfortunately, they said my contractions were less than 5 min apart and they didn't like that, so they wouldn't give me another dose and instead started me on pitocin at about 2. From 2 until 6, I didn't sleep much, just laid there in drowsy pain. At 6 AM, the doctor came in to check on me, and said I was 1 cm, 40% effaced, and said it was time to start ramping up the pitocin. He also broke my water, which you'd think would be a one-time event but actually lasted all morning. Every time a contraction came on, I'd feel the gush first, then the pain. Having been housebroken for 25 years, it was definitely a weird sensation for me.

Trav woke up about this time, and we put in the movie "Knocked Up," thinking we were pretty funny for renting and bringing that. About the time the end of the movie came around, maybe 9:00 or so, I was actually hurting as much as the main character as she gave birth, so the irony was not so funny anymore. About 10:00, I asked the nurse when I might be checked again, and she said whenever I thought about taking something for the pain. I had been doing pretty well to that point - don't get me wrong, I was hurting a LOT, but fighting through it fine - so I figured I'd just relax and give it some more time.

But first - let me tell you about pitocin-induced contractions. They tell you in childbirth class that contractions last 45 - 60 seconds, and you should be able to feel them coming soon enough that you can help cope with a "cleansing breath". Pitocin-induced contractions mercifully last about 15 seconds, but hit with only a second of warning or so, so all that cleansing breath crap is totally out of the question because it can catch you mid-breath and leave you with no coping mechanism. And because they only last 15 seconds, it takes 3 times as many to do the good of one natural contraction, so it's 3 times the sudden, stabbing pain. And, the doctors control their frequency, so even though 3 minutes apart is sometimes all the more frequent they come during natural childbirth, I had them 3 minutes apart the entire morning.

So by 10:30 I'd had enough, and the nurse checked me. In four hours, I had worked my way up to 2 cm, fully effaced. I can't tell you the kind of mental effect this had on me, because at this point I was swimming in pain. If it had been 4 or 5 cm, I would've considered trying to tough it out, but, TWO?? Seriously, all that, and I was at TWO?? I thought I already had been at 2, because my last check had been "1 to 2 cm". Couldn't take it - asked for the epidural.

The anaesthesiologist came in by 11, and I was fully comfortable by 11:30. I wasn't so concerned at the time, but I asked later about the person who had performed the epidural, because all I remembered was that he had an accent I couldn't place - and since I couldn't see straight his appearance didn't give me any clues. Not that that really mattered, anyway, but Travis was curious about placing the accent, and asked the nurse about him. She said he was the very best in the hospital - the one you really want for an epidural because he's so good at them. And he's retiring soon, so if I have to go through induction with any of Emily's future siblings, I'll be sure to research ahead of time because I think I just lucked out. My back still has a bruise from the epidural site, but it's really not that bad. (there are other more painful things that generally have my attention now). And the nurse also thought he was from an island off of Spain, for those who are curious.

So, I spent the afternoon quite comfortable. I could still feel contractions, but they were only as uncomfortable as all the unproductive ones I had had prior to being induced. I still got the "gush" prior to them, and the slight tightening, but I was at least human again. I got a nice nap in the afternoon, and even had visitors who happened to be at the hospital for unrelated appointments. (Thanks, Sara!! That really was awesome of you and Ryan to stop by. :) )

Around 4:00, I checked at 8 cm, so the nurse started pulling out the delivery equipment. The "birthing suite" at Mercy are really awesome. Each room is twice the size of my living room, which when it's just me in a bed seems pretty silly. But come delivery time, all the unassuming cabinetry opens up and explodes with medical equipment, and the room is actually pretty full. Shortly before 5, I started feeling pressure with each contraction, and told the nurse, who said later that she figured I was fully dilated but she wanted to get her stuff set up first, although she did have the forsight to call the doctor so he was on his way. She checked me and I was at 10, so she had me do a couple "practice" pushes. After 3 contractions of pushing, she had me stop because I was making such good progress (yeah! go me!), so I had some final moments to rest up for actual delivery.

The doctor who delivered me is the one who had been so dismissive of my family history of big babies with big heads, not the one who was a jerk about Ragbrai. I'm glad I had him, because I guess the other doctor suggests every baby be named "Barney" or "Barnette" - and the nurses said it's hilarious every time.

So I started pushing. They had told me most first-time moms push for 1 to 3 hours, but I was apparently an excellent pusher for a first-time mom. Hey, everybody has a talent. Even though my cervix is completely retarded, I can sure push 'em out. I told everyone after the first few pushes that "I'm NOT pushing for an hour!!", and even though it did take 45 minutes, a lot of that was rest and recovery because my contractions were 3 minutes apart - just like they had been all day. For about 3 of the last few contractions I wasn't making any progress, so the doctor called for the vacuum to help her come out. I wasn't going to protest, because I really did want my baby out at any expense by that point, but picture, he had been trying to get her head out with each push by stretching me around. That wasn't working, so using the vacuum on her head he was able to just pull her through. You can imagine the condition that left me in, and he spent a good 10 minutes stitching me up afterwards. "Little scrapes," he called them, although the nurses said they were 2nd-degree lacerations. I don't know how many stitches there are, but there are enough that they HURT now.

Anyway, the doctor lifted my daughter up, announced that it's a girl, and put her on a blanket on my belly. She seemed really big to me, but what do I know about newborns? I figured I'd wait to see what her weight was, and then the doctor said, as though he had no idea, "She's a big baby!" I was too overwhelmed at the time to point out just how much I ALREADY KNEW that she's a big baby, and that I'd tried to tell him for a month how she's a big baby!! *sigh*

Travis went with her to the warming table where the nurse did all the cleanup and everything, weighed her, cleaned out her lungs. Then he brought her to me, and the nurse had said it might be a while before she felt like eating. She was already moving her mouth like she would eat, and when I hooked her up, she figured it out right away and ate for 45 minutes!! I was glad she did, because the nurses said a lot of times big babies (over 9 lbs) have a dangerous blood sugar drop right after birth, and they need to supplement with formula. Even though I specifically told the nurse I didn't want that, she poo-pooed my concerns and said it wouldn't affect breastfeeding. I am so glad her blood sugar was okay and they didn't need to, because everything I've read said that's an opening for lots of problems with feeding later.

Emily doesn't have any problems eating, though, and in fact it's time for her lunch now. I hope she doesn't mind her dad in the background, who is quite excited watching ISU play (lose to) Texas while she eats. My milk came in last night, and I am feeling like a fully-swollen breast-implant recipient. It's insane, but at least my big girl has plenty of calories to grow on. She's so beautiful, that even though most of my body feels like it's been through the ringer, it's so worth it. She is just amazing, and I can't wait for you all to meet her!!

here we go...

Travis and I are headed to the hospital soon. I think we're as ready as we can be for being clueless. The house looks okay, we've got everything ready to load into the car, and I guess anything else we'll just wing. My body isn't any more ready to deliver than it was a week ago, but it's not for lack of effort. I went for walks yesterday and today, and while it got a few mild contractions going, I doubt they did any good. So, tonight, I start from scratch. Baby was jumping around about an hour ago, and I wonder if he/she has any idea what's in store for the next few days.

It's very weird to realize that when I come back home, it won't just be me and Travis; we'll be a family. I'll be a mom! That's a permanent status change. I don't think I've had one of those since I became a wife. Hmm. Wild!

Induction, revised

I called this morning and they were able to move my induction up to Tuesday night instead of Wednesday night! I hope my kid doesn't mind a birthday of 10/10.

trip photos

Travis has started a google photos website, and you are welcome to view our public galleries. Nothing too incredibly incriminating there, I don't think. He's working on putting up pictures from trips going all the way back to 2003, too.

http://picasaweb.google.com/sullyjava

Induction

So I'm looking at October 11th to be my kid's birthday.

Another appointment, and still no change. Stupid cervix. They put me on the calendar to be induced on the evening of the 10th (Wednesday) and that usually gets progressing through the night so they can break the water the next day, if they need to, then have the baby during the day. I'm so glad I get to stay up all night suffering through drug-induced contractions so the birth is convenient for the hospital staff. I mean, it's all about them, right? I'm just a tiny bit bitter because if I had made my appointment for yesterday morning, they probably could've scheduled my induction that much sooner. But I guess I'll take it. It's better than later. And having that on the calendar after 41 weeks means I can't get bumped, so I'm all set. Unless every preggo in Des Moines decides to go into labor that night, in which case they might run out of rooms and then I guess I'd get to deliver in a closet or something.

My last day at work yesterday was really pretty fun. I had a lot of people wish me well, and it was neat to realize just how many really great people I work with. And they seem to genuinely enjoy me, so that's a nice feeling also. I am now officially on maternity leave, and I'm trying to pace out my activities so that I'll have enough to do during these 5 days off, but if I do go sooner (which I won't) at least the critical stuff will be done first. I've stocked up on groceries and cleaning supplies, so if anybody wants to come by and cook or clean for me they will be well supplied to do so. And with the baby dropped, I am comfortable to sit now, so things like reading books and writing thank-yous can get done easily. I can tell when I stand or walk that there are ligaments underneath my belly that are straining from carrying the weight that's shifted in me, so that's not so pleasant, but easily accounted for by sitting on my butt all day.

So that's the latest. It would be wonderful if my next post was a birth announcement, but I am quite certain I'll have more to say before then, since it's most likely almost a week away. There is a bit of comfort in that resignation.

ahhhh...

The baby dropped!! :)

I have been complaining since May about how much my ribs hurt from being stretched from the inside, and it just got worse as the baby got bigger. But now it has dropped about 2 inches, and my ribs have only a happy ache of relief for being back in the right place again. I can exhale fully, which feels fabulous. My ribs are so relieved that I even can clasp my bra a step tighter. And I actually felt real hunger for the first time in months!! My stomach had room to be empty, and I'll admit it felt pretty good to be hungry for a little while - and then also to fill it right up again :)

Travis has found that he likes to drum on my tummy, as we're standing face to face, because right up near my ribs it sounds more hollow (my standard chest cavity) and lower it's all solid (BABY). He noticed last night that my "drumming area" is bigger, so that baby really is sitting lower. I can tell that there are some ligaments underneath my belly that are a bit strained, but I don't care. I feel so much better now that I can breathe and eat that I really care a lot less whether I deliver tomorrow or a week from tomorrow. This is fantastic. I guess this is why women start nesting!

I am taking tomorrow morning off to sleep in a bit, and then in the afternoon I'll go in for what will be my last time at work until the end of December. I feel so much better that I could go to work and probably be productive up until I deliver, but I really want to get stuff done at home. Not projects in particular, but just a thorough cleaning. I know I won't get back to doing any serious cleaning for a few months, so it'd be nice to start the decline of my house from a decent state. I suppose I can call it standard fall cleaning, anyway, right?

My next appointment is Friday. Baby is still moving around a lot, which is more enjoyable now that it's not so painful. :) I've had a few contractions that are just about getting to be painful, but they're mostly just uncomfortable. So, who knows how much change he will see, or how far out an induction date might be set, but like I said, I feel so much better that I don't much care!!

Ahhhh.... :)

starting from scratch, still

I know I was saying that I wasn't getting my hopes up for yesterday's doctor's appointment, but I really did. I had so much trouble sleeping the two nights before because I had contractions and cramping, so I thought for sure there'd be some change. But no, no change at all. I was so incredibly frustrated. Then when I got back to work, I spent the entire day fixing things that other people had screwed up, and it took me hours to settle down and be not pissed. It was just a very bad day.

My mom had spent the day in Ames going to garage sales, so she had found some great deals on baby stuff and brought them down to me after work. That was a nice boost to the spirits, but she's coming down with a cold and so was worried about passing that along. I'm not too worried, though, because I think maybe the pregnancy side-effects of my head being so mucus-y will keep any germs from getting through anyway. Travis slept in the guest bed the other night because I was snoring so loud.

Anyway, I guess I'm resigning myself to being pregnant for a lot longer, finishing off my last week of work, and trying to relax as much as I can in the process. I'm not going to do miles of walking to try to get contractions going, because I'll just wear myself out. Since my body won't cooperate at all, I'll just wait for being induced, which my doctor says won't be "much" past 41 weeks. That's October 9 or later. *sigh*

9 more days of work. weird!!

So I've started feeling a little more than nothing this week, it seems. I've had more contractions that aren't related to standing up or stressors, and those that are caused by that are much more annoying. Every once in a while I feel like I've got standard cramps, so who knows, maybe the doctor will be able to tell a difference on Friday. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it would really be cool if stuff was starting. Not that I have my bags packed for the hospital or anything. :) that would totally jinx it! I did buy nursing bras and a few other things this weekend that really made me feel like I can honestly say a baby would be okay living in my home. And since my official due date is a week from tomorrow, it's probably good that I'm feeling that way!

I stepped on the scale tonight, and it actually creaked at me. It freaking creaked!!! There are people who weigh way more than 177 lbs, so I think that was just uncalled for. It is a little weird to not be able to just look down at the number, though - kind of have to look to the side of my belly.

It was another beautiful weekend in Iowa, and I got to show my workplace to my parents. The plant had an open house to celebrate 60 years in operation, so I was able to show them the parts I work with, the heat treat areas, and my lab. Dad asked me all kinds of questions about engineering and manufacturing that I couldn't answer, and he was impressed with the damage done to the lab by my accident last summer. Once again, when navigating in a crowd of people, I had to consciously tell myself that I'm actually narrower face-on than turning to the side. It's a weird habit to break - you try it!!

I had every intention of being productive tonight, but I'm pretty tired. Those of you who know the pace I generally go at may be astonished to know that a complete evening for me is unloading and reloading the dishwasher, grocery shopping and putting it away, and scrambling a few eggs for dinner. That's it, I'm shot. I really don't know how working mothers ever end up having a second child, because I wouldn't be able to take care of another kid on top of all that I do now.

Take care, all.

Oh would you just relax already!!

The new Kristin =

Chilled out. Huge, but not worried about labor. Not worried about tying up loose ends at work. Not worried about childcare, returning to work, or taking care of a baby. None of that worrying was actually spurring me into action to do anything about it (if even possible), so forget it, Kristin!! I need to enjoy this while I can. An excellent example of that:

I was laying on the couch tonight, and Travis walked by and patted my belly and said hi to Baby. I told him it was too bad he missed it, because about an hour earlier Baby was kicking and jumping and moving all over the place, hands and feet and everything. So he starts poking at my belly, lifting it (I was on my side) and jostling and telling Baby to wake up!!! About 10 seconds after he stopped, Baby woke up and started stretching. There's not much room to stretch in there, mind you, so it was quite uncomfortable for me, but Trav thought it was very cool because he could feel specific body parts poking out - bottom, knees, feet. And the smile on his face was so great. He's going to be such an awesome dad. :)

I visited the doctor again today, and again no change. He said that based on my size I've probably got a 7 - 7.5 pound baby in there. Now, keep in mind that Baby grows about a half a pound per week (and that I believe his estimate might be on the low side - you decide from the picture), and you'll see why I've been anxious to get this party started. But I can't do anything until my body decides to cooperate. Once it does, I got the impression that they'll be willing to schedule an induction and get it going once my due date is passed, no matter how much "in labor" I really am. So, after today's discussion, I feel a little better. I feel very confident that the hospital will take the very best care of me and my baby, and isn't that really the only thing to worry about? Even though it may take forever to get labor going, I will get what I need because even if I can't assert myself, Travis can on my behalf. As I was leaving the office, I asked the nurses for the phone number to call when I think I'm in labor, and they laughed and said if I'm not sure, then I'm not in labor! Supposedly I'll know it's time when I can't walk through a contraction, and pain is unbearable. It sounds to me like someone who's not as stubborn as I am would get help a lot sooner, so there's no point in being a good sport. And if I get panicky once the time comes, there's no glory in toughing it out. When I feel miserable, then I'm in labor, and they can help me. So CHILL OUT, KRISTIN!! I figure I'll have no trouble telling them that I am in the worst labor pain I could ever imagine. Are they going to start judging my imagination?? :)

The baby shower at my workplace was yesterday after work, and I have to say it was absolutely wonderful. There were only about 10 - 12 people there, but they were people who I really have enjoyed working with and I was so touched that they would go through all that trouble for me! They had a cake, punch, mints, gifts, and a game - the whole deal. It only lasted about an hour, and it was pretty low-key but really really fun. I was amazed at how many people had chipped in for the group gift, too - I swear they completely cleaned off my registry!!! Travis came over to the plant for it, too, which was very sweet of him. I have to say, feeling that loved and appreciated did a lot for my worried, dreading mood lately. It feels good to relax, and really feel like smiling. There is so much to be smiling about!!

sorry, no picture yet...

I know you all want to see a picture, and I'll get there, but honestly, I'm just huge. I've already put on the maximum recommended weight gain, so it's frustrating that I could have this baby any day now, but it'll probably be a few more weeks, which is just that much more weight for me to either push out or work off later. So yeah, I'm big, that's all! My old boss told me she was 4 weeks overdue with both of her daughters, and that she just got used to being that big size. I guess I haven't gotten used to it yet. I was giving Travis a comparison, since his backpack weighed about 35 lbs when we went to Europe in 2003. Remember how good it felt to take that pack off at the end of the day? I so much want to take my pack off...

Man, I thought I had fun at the previous two ISU tailgates, but yesterday blew all that out of the water. I had been telling myself that it didn't matter how the game went because I just wanted to see all my friends. And it's true, that would've made a fantastic day in and of itself. For those of you who made it to our tailgate, it was so great to see you!!! It was a beautiful day in a fun atmosphere, and the only thing that could've topped the fun I had in the morning would be a win from the Cyclones - and they did! They beat Iowa!! The whole game was fun to watch, even with the lingering feeling of doom that ISU could completely screw it up at any minute. They were 17-point underdogs and had just lost to two Division II schools, but when it came down to the very last second, they stepped up and WON. Incredible. What a great day.

And that all activity and excitement leaves me tired again today. I stood up nearly all morning yesterday, maybe twice I got to sit down, and most of the game, and today my feet and legs and abdomen are really unhappy I put myself through that. I think Baby slept most of the day since I was standing and walking (and jumping, which although it was an exciting game - big mistake! ow!), so today there is all kinds of activity going on in my belly. I felt it moving around the few times I woke up last night, so I thought maybe when I woke up it would have worn itself out a bit? Guess not. I slept for 10 hours last night, which although fabulous, seems to still not have been enough!

I'm going to take my brother to the airport today for another 3 week trip to Turkey & Washington DC. It's weird to think that when he comes back, he should have a little niece or nephew to meet!

On Friday, I had an appointment with one of the two doctors who might deliver my baby - apparently it's a 50/50 shot who will be there. I'm sure he talks to a lot of women who have a lot of fears about delivery, so I tried to be more specific and give him some idea of what it is that I'm afraid of and ask what he can do to help me. His basic response was that he doesn't give a shit what family history is, no matter the predisposition for enormous head size and overall size, and that there's no way he would do anything to help speed labor. I could be in very slow labor for days and days and he won't help me - not that he couldn't help, but that he won't. I don't have much hope that the other doctor will be less of an asshole, so I guess I'm just left with the option of going into their office and throwing hysterics in the waiting room if I need help, and maybe one of their nurses will take pity on me. They would be willing to let me suffer through days of labor, and discover upon complete dilation that the baby is too big to deliver, then do an emergency c-section, because "the goal is a vaginal delivery" (which seems to be code for "I am too lazy to do anything ahead of time to prevent you from going through that hell"). I'm going to give the other doctor a chance to listen to me on Thursday, but he's the one who chewed me out about Ragbrai so I'm not very hopeful. I am just trying to look ahead to labor and delivery as something horrible that I'll have to get through on my own so I can have something wonderful later. I can't believe I'm actually paying these jerks.

Last day of school

I realized the other day that in counting down the (maximum) number of days that I have left to go to work, it feels a lot like waiting for summer vacation when you're a kid. Not like college, where there's finals and the worry of how to start a job and make enough money in the summer to get through the next year. But more like summer vacation where there's exciting stuff ahead, and you don't have to think about the standard day-to-day grind until 3 months later. Yeah, it's like that. Wild. Except being a kid, you get to sleep in. Having a kid, I think it's the opposite. Oh well, it's still a fun feeling of anticipation that I didn't think I'd experience again.

I'll try to post a picture after this weekend. At this point (175 lbs! yeah!) it's just more of the same. Bigger and wigglier. I thought the kid was supposed to settle down and rest up for delivery??

starting 37 weeks

At the end of this week, I will be officially full-term, and ready to pop. I still have 3 prenatal classes left to attend, so I suppose it's just as well that my family history predispositions me to not go ahead of due date. Even so, I don't think I'll work past Oct 5, which means I've got 20 work days ahead of me. That still seems like a lot, but what I am enjoying tonight is the thought that I only have three more Sunday Nights (after this evening, of course) to do the dreading that I have done to varying degrees of severity over the past 4.3 years. That's right, I counted the number of weeks since June 23, 2003, when I started at Engine Works, and it comes to 4.3 years that I've been a full-time John Deere employee. Sunday nights were the hardest when I was in Minneapolis, pretending to be a quality engineer and far from "home," and I remember a few occasions of getting so anxious that I couldn't even settle down to sleep. Then I moved to Des Moines, and once I got settled into the job a bit, I was able to say without flinching that I enjoyed my job - which was an incredible move up from pretending to not hate my daily grind. It's weird to think that my overall satisfaction at my current job peaked sometime before the start of this year, because I always thought I would be happiest in a job when I felt most competent and confident. It turns out that although that's really very important, the competence of those around me is possibly equally important to me. I guess that's something I should remember as I try in the next 3 months to decide what to do career-wise.

This weekend was fun, despite the Cyclones' dismal performance on the football field. It was a beautiful day for tailgating, and I saw lots of fun people, and really had a nice time before the game started. At the game, though, I got overheated because I was in a row with too many people in it (it's so hard to look at one's ticket and know where to sit) and then moved into a row with too many fat people in it, plus I was in the vicinity of somebody who thought because he's outside he could fart any time he wanted. Besides being overheated and tired of smelling shit, on my way to my seat I also almost got brought down by an elderly lady who was trying to get to her seat. She tripped over someone who wouldn't let her into her row, fell backwards onto me and tumbled down a few steps. I felt really bad for her, but when someone behind me yelled to help her up, I got really mad, because it was all I could do to retain my own balance. Apparently, I don't look 9 months pregnant from behind, because nobody asked me if I was okay after being knocked off balance on a concrete stairway. That was probably the low point of the weekend, though, and once I got it out of my system I enjoyed the horrible game as much as the next Cyclone fan.

I also went to a "baby fair" Saturday morning at the hospital where I'll deliver, and I got to see their birthing rooms, recovery area, and nursery, plus they had a whole area set up for booths to pick up pamphlets and sign up for door prizes. The neatest thing was a talk I went to on teaching your baby to sign. The person doing the talk offers classes, but I might just get some small benefit if I can find a good book on it. One thing I hadn't thought about was learning to recognize how a babies make the signs, since their motor skills aren't quite up to exact mimicry. I didn't know that it's real ASL signs that are used, and I was also reassured that signing does not delay development of verbal skills, but actually advances it. I don't know that I'd end up doing much signing, but it sure would be nice to avoid the "eh, eh, eh," noises that kids make before words come, because I can see myself being annoyed by that.

So today I did nothing, except go to the prenatal class. I have started on a list of small stuff I need to do before the baby comes (wash crib sheets, stuff like that), because if I don't write them down I'll forget something. I know I'm kidding myself to think I'll actually get everything ready, or feel like I'm ready, but I sure am ready to not have a baby in my belly anymore. Ohhh, to take a deep breath!!

The pinkest girl at John Deere

I wore a very pink shirt to work today. It's one of the only shirts that will cover enough of my front to be decent to wear to work. Can you believe my belly is actually hanging out of my clothes now??



Also, a sneak peak at our nursery. It's got the basics, but none of the frills (mobile, toys, changing pad, etc.) that make it probably fully functional. At least it looks enough like a baby's room that I don't panic when I walk by it. I just get a little nervous, and that's okay. I'm putting together a bunch of labor-related questions to ask both of the doctors I've seen, so once I have that appointment next week I think I'll feel a lot better. I had several contractions tonight, but they're probably just Braxton-Hicks still. I chatted with my mother-in-law about my labor fears tonight, and she was informative and helpful, not to mention just fun to chat with. She thinks I'm crazy for being reluctant to go for an epidural, but since Travis nearly passed out while viewing an animated graphic of how it works, he has discouraged me from getting one. I am cynical enough to think that if anybody's going to have bruising, headaches, or an all-around bad experience with one, it'd be me. So, might as well avoid it, as best I can.

I had a sip of Travis's Octoberfest tonight. It was heaven.

pre-baby blues

I've had a rough day today. All day, up until about 3:00 or so, I just felt so completely depressed that I could've cried at any moment. I guess I have a renewed respect for people who live with chronic pain, because even chronic discomfort has wreaked havoc on my mental state. The worst thought in my head has been a feeling of dread, that this really might be as good as I feel in a very long time. Everybody says that once the baby is born, oh boy you thought you had it bad now, just wait until you're sleep-deprived and trying to physically recover from labor. Um, okay, but I'm pretty darned uncomfortable now, and just because I have time to sleep doesn't mean I'm really resting. I'm up several times every night to pee, plus the fact that it's hard to breathe lying down means I'm working harder to breathe all night than will allow a deep restful sleep. My lungs actually ache when I wake up every day! I'm anxious about everything to come, and instead of having a baby to reassure me that this is truly an exciting and worthwhile adventure, I get to spend my days at work avoiding a moronic boss, getting continually assaulted in my ribs, and trying to muster up the energy to do the parts of my job that require me to be on my feet. Then I come home to a cluttered house, exhausted, and I'm supposed to find something good for dinner???

So it all just got me down today, having time to look ahead through the next few weeks. I had yet another person tell me yesterday that I look much too small to be delivering in a month. Even though I'm sure it was intended as a compliment, it seems to take away any validation for how uncomfortable and exhausted I feel. There was another girl in our tailgating group last Thursday who is due 7 weeks after me, and she is much bigger than I am. She got all kinds of support from her husband - and other people! - during the game, but I'm expected to just tough it out. Do you think I might get any of that validation if I were as enormous as I feel? Maybe I should've eaten more Oreos after all...

24 days of work

I was looking at my calendar, and based on my estimation of working not later than October 5, I have at most 24 days of work before this baby comes!! Amazing how when it was 8 weeks away, that's practically two whole months of uncomfortableness and exhaustion. But 24 work days seems like not very much, and omigosh am I going to be ready??

Here's something weird that perhaps you all can weigh in on: a few of the women here at work have started planning a baby shower for me. It's very strange, since there are at least 5 other preggos here at the plant (about 400 salaried people work here), all due in October and November. I have seen one other invite come out for a girl who's due Nov 5, but I'm hesitant to have one because what if not every one of those women has one thrown for them? It's hard to turn down something nice that people want to do for me, so I agreed to it. But I'm having a hard time with it in my head. It would just be after work in the cafeteria, probably not that many people, but I figure if people want to give me something, it's obvious that I'm pregnant and I don't know that we need a party to call attention to it. I also don't want the other preggos to resent me because someone thought of me and no one has thought of them (yet?). Then there's the feeling that if someone is invited to the shower they're obligated to give a gift, and I hate that. But, should I just sit back and let them buy me stuff?? It seems weird. I already know that people here are genuinely excited for me without having the fuss of a shower involved.

I went to the ISU football game last night, and did a good 4 hours of tailgating beforehand. It was really fun to get together with everybody again, and it was an absolutely beautiful day! Nicest day you could ask for to be outside for all afternoon and evening. The only bad part was that when people socialize in that setting, they tend to stand and talk, and I was always wishing there was a chair or a cooler to sit on. I thought I could handle that much standing and walking, but this morning, every one of my stomach muscles were screaming at me when I tried to sit up in bed, and when my feet hit the ground they joined in. It was awful, especially added on top of the exhaustion from having to drive home a very drunk and depressed husband, fighting post-game traffic full of similarly upset Cyclone fans, and finally arriving home at 11:30. I am so pooped today.

So yes, the Cyclones lost to Kent State last night - their home opener. I could've understood if they lost because they have a new coach and coaching staff and all new plays, but instead they looked just like last year's team! Typical Iowa State football. I would have some patience with looking unfinished and not quite together yet, but instead they're screwing up fundamentals and kicking field goals AT the goalpost instead of THROUGH them. As annoyed as I was, Travis took it much harder. Poor guy, he was so unbelievably excited about the season this year! If they do end up playing well, it probably won't be until late in the season, at which point it'll be harder for us to get to the games. Oh well, at least it's still a good fun bunch of people to hang out with, win or lose. I guess I'll raise my kid the way I was raised - Iowa State is still a wonderful place, even if their athletic teams are hard to root for.

Beautiful day!

I am so glad it's Saturday because it's BEAUTIFUL here in Iowa! it's probably 70°, nearly no breeze, no clouds, no bugs (for some reason?), and almost no humidity. and for once, no rain!!!! We have all the windows open in the house this morning, and no plans for the day except puttering around doing stuff - you know, the stuff you'd do at home if you ever got a chance. We have a chance! now THIS is summer. :)

In an unrelated note, I have a friend who is trying out for a reality TV show. She is awesome - this girl is a monster athlete in a completely unassuming shell. She did the 7-mile cross-country run with me last fall - the one where we were up and down ravines and through creeks in 30° November weather - and I kept up with her for about 5 miles before she flat-out kicked my ass. The more hits her YouTube video gets, the better chance she has of becoming a contestant. Please do your duty as an internet buddy of mine and give her video a look (and as tempting as it is to see what other contestants' videos are, if you do, you're essentially negating your vote! Just assume they're all dumb:) ).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qr2I6oZwoiM

Hope you all are having as wonderful a weekend as I am!

Anticipating the arrival

So, three separate times today I have had contractions that were not related to any kind of physical activity. Either sitting at my desk or lounging on the couch, my entire midsection gets very hard, which I might mention that the baby does not like, and thereafter it squirms and kicks for some time. I've gotta say that I do like the squirming and kicking in general, but it can get uncomfortable. As for the contractions, I guess waiting for them to get to be 5 minutes apart starts with them occurring 3 times a day??

According to Travis's friends, I'm supposed to have the kid on Sept 17 - just after the Iowa game hangovers have subsided, but long enough before the next football game that the kid will be old enough to bring along to the tailgate. Insane how the male mind works, isn't it??

For those of you who are curious, I am still clueless as to what to name this kid. It'll end up being something crazy like Anastasia or Clifford. :)

Travis was a pirate on Saturday. Yarrr, look at all our booty!! (foreground)

Wild weekend

I had an incredible weekend. I would still be flying high, but I'm too tired :)

Friday afternoon, I went home from work a little early. It was a rough week, and I was sure that I had cleared up the only issue of the day. I found out this morning that my boss had tried to get in the middle of it after I had left and, being poorly informed due to his inability to read the emails I send him, had confused himself thoroughly. Fortunately, he was the only one who seemed to be confused, and I cleared it up easily this morning, but COME ON!! Should I really have to scold my boss for nosing around unnecessarily, at 7:20 AM? Or, be allowed to? Anyway, I spent Friday vacuuming and cleaning and making sure the house was semi-kid-proofed. My mom, my sister and her kids showed up late in the evening, and we had a fun relaxing day on Saturday together, playing in the sprinkler, making a "lion's den" out of couch cushions, and coaxing Megan as she gets the hang of taking more than 3 or 4 steps at a time. So fun!!

Saturday afternoon, several of my friends threw me a baby shower, and it was absolutely wonderful. They thought of everything - fun games, lots of really good food, and incredibly thoughtful gifts. I am actually excited about writing thank yous because I am so overwhelmed from their generosity. Travis's mom came down for the shower, as did my grandmother in Ames. It was really fun. The shower morphed into a pirate-themed birthday party for my brother, who was celebrating the 10th anniversary of his 21st birthday. Travis put together a pretty cool pirate's outfit, and the party was complete with a pinata and "buried treasure," which was shot bottles of jaeger, tequila, etc. buried in sand. The party apparently lasted much longer than I did, since a day of keeping up with little girls and the excitement from the shower had me beat.

Sunday, I had everybody over for homemade pizza for lunch, and spent the afternoon relaxing a bit. We went to our first prenatal class in the evening - the first of six! - then went to Babies R Us to spend some coupons that expired that day. We got some great deals, and now our nursery is full of not only the crib and dresser, and all the hand-me-downs from my sister, but all the wonderful gifts and our thrifty purchases from Sunday. Am I jinxing myself by being semi-ready this soon before my due date? I feel like the readier I am beforehand, the longer past my due date this baby will wait to make his/her appearance.

And to be honest, I've had a tough time facing these next few weeks. I've been feeling physically and mentally wimpy lately, and the emotional support was just what I needed this weekend. I'm still physically drained, but I feel like I've got a better handle on how to face labor and life with a newborn after this weekend. It's a whole different game, up there between my ears, and one of the things I'm dreading most is that it gets more and more twisted up there, and harder to keep control of things, the more tired I get. You can see why this concerns me! But I have a really good support network, and I'm still a little anxious but not quite so overwhelmed anymore.

To end, I have a very funny story from my niece, Sarah, who is 3 & 1/2. It requires a small amount of background: Jenny's family spent the previous week in Rockford with my parents, where my dad's cows are busy calving. The girls like to be a part of tagging calves when they're born, and I've gotta say it really is neat. They're small, soft, and docile, and it's neat to be able to pet them while Dad's got them pinned to the ground. So anyway, Sarah and I were snuggled up on the couch Saturday afternoon, unwinding in a failed attempt to get her to nap. We were talking about my baby, and whether she might get a girl cousin or boy cousin. She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and said, "If your baby is a boy baby, we'll have to tag it in the RIGHT ear!"

33 weeks

I realize it has been six weeks since I've posted an "official" picture of me. Comparing it to the last posting, I've gotten lots bigger!! Can you see why I'm uncomfortable now?? :) It's funny to think that there's a skinny girl in there somewhere behind all of that. I can still find my waist, actually, since I don't start getting round until out front. My poor ribs, though. They haven't expanded nearly like I need them to. Owie!! And I have clearance issues at times, where I think I can move past something but I just run my belly into it instead. So graceful, as always.

Travis and I went to Centro for dinner tonight, a nice Italian restaurant downtown, to celebrate our anniversary. (So what if we're a month late??) Our waitress was preggo too - said her due date was September 8. I had been feeling pretty whiny about my job as of late - long hours, in the very hot heat treat area, lots of standing - but she definitely put me in perspective. Waitressing would be consistently worse. I have always thought I'm a pretty tough girl, but last night after grocery shopping sapped the remainder of my energy, I realized what a wimp I've become. Today, I took a "rest day" and spent most of it at my desk or in meetings, and it meant that tonight I actually had the energy afterwards to go shopping with Travis! We got items for the pirate-themed birthday party coming up Saturday night. I cannot wait for this weekend!!!

And because I promised you a picture of the "mural" that I'm looking at as I type, here:


Aren't you all jealous that you don't have this in your basement, too?? And this is just the focal point - it goes on, in both directions. It's too bad this picture doesn't show the lovely lake and trees hiding behind the desk. They are such happy little trees.

8 weeks left

I am unbelievably uncomfortable these days. I feel absolutely stuffed, all the time, even when I'm hungry. I halfway feel sorry for my kid, because it's gotta be crowded in there, and I'm just not expanding as fast as s/he is apparently growing. Most babies are about 4 lbs at this stage, which means in the next 8 weeks, half of the weekly weight gain estimated for me goes directly to baby. How is that even possible??? I feel enormous, but apparently I look 'tiny', or so my coworkers say. I was walking along next to someone who asked me if had that pregnant "waddling" feel yet -- YES! Here I am, right next to you, waddling along! *uuuugh* I am SO uncomfortable. I've been meaning to post a picture, but I am just too lazy these days. I'll get around to it soon, I promise, and you'll see what I mean about this all.

There is an up side and a down side to this ready-to-explode feeling. Okay, several of both, I guess.

Good: I am too full to really eat that much. It means that Travis has actually been LOSING weight, somehow, and dinnertime is pretty pathetic around here. But it's helping keep my overall weight gain a bit slower than all-out feasting would, especially now that I don't have that goal of Ragbrai hanging out there. Also, I am playing the Pregnancy card on things that involve going out in the heat (today's index: 95°) or lots of walking (sounds like the State Fair is out for me!) And, with less buffer layer between me and my kid, I can really feel when body parts are thrashing about. It's been pretty fun to realize those hard bumps sticking out are actually parts of my baby. And it gives me enough leverage to turn him/her to a more comfy position for me. If my bladder allows.

Bad: Every once in a while, I have been getting this woozy feeling on top of the general discomfort. It's like my heart is beating really hard and fast but my body is giving me the sensation that you get after you've been holding your breath, and all your muscles are so happy to have oxygen again. I kind of feel like I might pass out - I haven't - and I'm not sure if i need to breathe faster or slower? It's really strange, and if it happens at work again I think I'm going to go lie down in the nurse's station, because that has helped me today. I wonder if baby ends up sitting on some sort of essential artery? Of course, I can't get comfortable at night either, and resulting neck strain causes frequent morning headaches. Throw in the contractions I get nearly every time I stand up or climb stairs, and it's all I can do to be pleasant sometimes.

Travis and I have had a great weekend together, though. We got a lot done on the baby's room, and it's ready to start being the nursery. The only things in the room are baby-related now, which means the basement and guest room are full of many boxes to sort through. In that sorting, I found a bunch of my favorite children's books from when I was growing up, so they're now on one of the bottom shelves of my bookshelf. That was pretty cool to find :) It's been a quiet but productive weekend. I don't know that I'll get many more like this in the forseeable future, so I'm just relaxing and enjoying as best I can!

Stuuuuuff...

Ahh, baby stuff. It appears I can no longer avoid facing the facts that I actually will need things that I don't currently have in order to take care of the littlest Sullivan. Yesterday, Travis and I went to Target to try and buy the crib that we had decided on a few weeks ago and finally got the nerve up to buy. But it turns out that even though it's one of those that comes in a box and you assemble it yourself, the box is way too big for our car. Without a way to take it home, we started looking for deals on the internet, and found that this particular crib line is not going to be carried at Target anymore, so the matching pieces aren't at Target anymore either. Even though one particular dresser was marked down to a steal of a clearance price, not a single store in the entire Des Moines area actually had one to sell me. So, hooray for internet - we're getting everything shipped to our house for the same price as Target. What a mess.

I started researching high chairs last night, too. It turns out that some high chairs are better for different reasons - big kids are hard to get into some chairs, small kids drown in other chairs. Some kids like entertainment in their high chair, others need a chair that's durable enough to handle lots and lots of wiggling and thrashing about (I forsee my kid in this category). Some have easily removable trays, some can be washed in the dishwasher, and I will have no idea what I'll need until I buy the wrong thing and my kid breaks/hates it. Right now, I am telling myself to chill out and not feel like every purchase has to be exactly right for my first kid - I could buy new things the second time around if I really feel I need to improve. And there's always garage sales...

As I was reading the reviews on high chairs, I was thinking how great it would be if health care would be more like amazon.com. I mean, when you move to a new city and you need a doctor, you can ask the few people you know there, or just take a stab at the alphabetical listing that your insurance provider gives you (if you're that lucky). Wouldn't it be great if people could write reviews about doctors so you'd know how to get a good one? Like, when my OB chewed me out about Ragbrai, I would put that on a posting. When someone else has a positive experience with another doctor, write that up too. Then, maybe there would be some checks and balances to keep doctors from being arrogant pricks to their patients - cuz I could easily walk away and know I could find someone better. Hmm, I wonder which congressman I should write to with that idea?

The fat lady whines, too?

I'm feeling more blah today than usual for a Sunday. Usually it's my most energized day of the week, because after two nights of sleeping when my natural schedule prefers it, I'm ready to get stuff done! But last night, Travis and I went camping, and it was less than superfun for me. He spent the day tubing with a bunch of friends, and I joined up after the river fun for just the second half of festivities. Spending the day getting drunk and sunburned isn't exactly what I'm in to these days, so I actually got quite a bit done with my afternoon around the house instead. I had assumed that other people had done the planning for the camping portion of the trip, but apparently all plans ended once tubes were in the river and coolers were full and floating alongside. Nobody thought to bring food to the campground for dinner, except for what a few people brought for themselves, no firewood - nobody had even reserved any campsites! It thunderstormed for a large portion of last night, and since there was nothing but caffeinated beverages (or beer) to drink, I was wide awake for most of it. It was quite possibly my most miserable night in a very long time. I was physically tired from working around the house all day, but my heart was beating fast from the 4 oz of Mr. Pibb I had - ridiculous. Worst of all, it was HOT in the tent, so much that I actually wet my hair down trying to cool off, and I was relieved when the rain started. I was doing my best to sleep on my side, but my camping pad didn't provide much padding for my hips, which feel somewhat bruised today as a result. Also frustrating was waking up and realizing that I was feeling more hung over (headache and general crappiness) than Travis, who, judging from the amount he drank yesterday, deserved it much more than me! I thought I would be fine camping, since it's so much like what I was okay with two weeks ago on Ragbrai, but apparently I've gotten a lot bigger since then.

So, I'm done camping for a while!! I've spent much of today curled up on my bed, reading a book, and just enjoying being comfortable and well-fed. I guess that's what weekends are for, although I wish I had the energy to use my day productively. Travis is working on the car (tire pressure alarm went off for some reason, hopefully tire pressure!) so it's nice to know that he is rested enough to be productive after his day of playing yesterday.

On a totally unrelated note, I have been thinking a lot about my friends in Minneapolis after last week's bridge collapse. Normally it's fun when you realize what a small world it is, but in this case, I'm hoping that it's a big enough city that you all escaped without experiencing any personal tragedies.

The nesting officially begins

Here's a pic of me and Trav after the first day of biking. Keep in mind how unbelievably skinny he is for some perspective on how huge I am. My sister said it looked like I was trying to smuggle something under my bike jersey. It's pretty tight across the middle, but I wore it two days out of the three that I biked! It was pretty cool to represent Team Petting Zoo out there.

Those of you who are familiar with the bus will recognize homage paid to it by the jerseys with the stripes and flames. The animals on the back of the jersey were slightly more suggestive than the front, because what do you see while biking?? backsides!! There's a sheep, a beaver, a monkey, and a goat, to go with the rooster, cow, pig and donkey on the front. We were going for technically innocent but suggestive by including the slogan on the back "Why look when you can touch??" We also included a nontrademarked Cy leaning on a bicycle on the back pocket, and on one sleeve it says "Beware of the Goat" with the most innocent-looking goat. If you have never been on the receiving end of what Team Petting Zoo considers a "goat," you're lucky (it's a moon with a little extra, and it takes a Y chromosome to perform, or to think it is at all amusing). Considering all that, I think my friends who did the designwork for the jerseys did an awesome job of keeping it "PG," and I'm really pumped about wearing it next year.

For those of you with incredible internet astuteness, I will explain why you're getting a funny feeling about this entry. No, it's not that I spent a large portion of it raving about semi-suggestive item of clothing I won't wear again until next summer - it's that I'm reporting from the basement! Travis got motivated last night to move his desk downstairs, and although he grumbled about it, I think he's really pretty excited. He said this morning that we'd better hurry up and put a crib in the nursery so he feels like there was a reason to "banish" his computer to the basement, which I interpreted as his way of admitting he's excited about buying a crib. It's so cool. :) Of course, the next nesting project is to gather up all the excess stuff we have around, sort through it, then pack it into storage. Sounds awful, but it'll be worth it when we'll actually have a baby's room and a guest (grandmother's!) room upstairs. I think the front piano room will be kind of a playroom until we decide how to do the basement - fix the water issue, new carpet, and paint over this fabulous mural that I'm looking at as I type. Maybe next posting I'll include a picture of it. It is so lovely, I don't know how the previous owners were able to part with it when they moved.

I'm still feeling enormous. Much of yesterday afternoon was spent trying to dislodge a foot (?) from my ribcage, and today was particularly bad for the stretching sideaches as baby plays and plays and plays. I'm really starting to feel heavy now, and although I've managed to avoid such fun side effects as hemmorhoids and heartburn (so far), I have a morning headache that likes to stab me right above my left eye until about 10:00 each day. And most notable of all - I have finally identified that really tight, uncomfortable feeling in my belly that I get when standing after sitting for a while. Yeah, that's a contraction, dummy! I've felt them before, but finally just this weekend I figured out what it is. I'm getting pretty worn down as it gets harder to get restful sleep, and I'm wondering if I can really withstand up to 11 more weeks of this. Ooof.

And yet, I just cannot wait to meet this person!!

Time to be pregnant

Okay, I thought I was tired before. I seem to be reaching new levels, which is freaky because I can only assume it'll just get more and more so for the next, what, 5 years?

Ragbrai was a lot of fun. Okay, it still is a lot of fun for most of Team Petting Zoo who is still out there in eastern Iowa, with two days and just over 100 miles left to bike and a thunderstorm to sleep through tonight. But the ~120 miles that I did over the first three days of the trip were plenty for me. I was pleased with myself that I could tell when it was time to quit and actually have the discipline to do it. I tried to rest as much as I could in the hot afternoons, but my mom and I were watching my nieces while my sister biked, and they sure kept me busy! I don't know how my sister does it every day. Even though I had all the sitting down jobs, it's exhausting even trying to keep up with their very creative and unexpected trains of thought. It was all very fun though, and all in all it was a great vacation. Now that the biking is done, it's time for me to relax while I can, and "just" be pregnant.

Tonight, I'm recuperating - being lazy, eating cookies, etc. I went to work today, and at my slow-and-steady pace I put in a full day. I kept feeling like I wasn't accomplishing that much, but I've gotta be honest and say that just staying conscious for the whole day feels like an accomplishment in itself!! And besides, I've been told by a friend that it's nice that I'm pregnant because it's slowed me down to everyone else's pace. I think she was talking about biking, but I assume it applies to other things too? I hope so. Cuz otherwise I'm just lazy. :)

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment, and I would love to rub it in his face that I actually did bike on Ragbrai and the biking was no problem at all (it felt great, actually, even though it apparently looked like I was trying to smuggle something under my bike jersey). But I won't - fortunately the temptation won't even be there becuase I'm seeing the other doctor in the practice. Maybe this guy will actually listen to me instead of jumping to conclusions.

Saturday, I go to Ames to pick up Travis after the bus returns from Bellevue, and then Sunday my mom is going to help me put together something that looks like a baby registry. I've gotta say that I feel a little better about entering parenthood after spending time with my nieces. It helps that they're fun, well-behaved girls to begin with, but it makes it seem less intimidating to know that I'm okay being in a (semi)parental role. And I figure it can't be that hard to change a diaper or give a bath, and that I'll pick that up as I go along. I'm in no hurry to be up to my elbows in poop just yet.

Once Travis gets home with the camera, I'll post a few fun pictures and maybe include a fun story or two from the trip.

Ready, Set, BIKE!

Travis and I spent tonight packing for Ragbrai, and I believe we are ready! I did 12 miles on Wednesday night, and it seemed fine, and the 15 I did on Sunday felt even better because I went in the morning. Without an entire day's worth of food in my stomach, it was a lot more comfortable on my bike. :) I've got plans worked out to get picked up at halfway points, and plenty of other options in case anything else should go wrong, so I'm feeling very good about it all. Optimism abounds! Now, if I can just keep my energy up. This is going to be an awesome, fun vacation, but I'm going to be exhausted by the time I get home Wednesday night.

My back started aching tonight. I think it's that I was carrying laundry and other things up and down stairs, and I've woken up many times this week on my back. I almost think sleeping on the ground might be good for me since I'll probably be more likely to stay on my side. I feel pretty fortunate to have gotten through 7 months of pregnancy and just now have a minor twinge in my lower back, and I like to credit biking for helping me build/maintain muscles in my back to help ward it off. (I love my bike!)

I have already started preparing for my maternity leave at work. I'm trying to convince my boss that I'm indispensable enough that he'll need to replace me with dedicated manpower through either an intern or contract employee, and he says he's on board but he doesn't act fully convinced. He keeps suggesting these crappy alternatives to "just get by" until I get back, I want to shout at him that he's a moron and if I weren't important, I wouldn't bother getting up to go to work each day. (Okay, I just want to tell him he's a moron, regardless.) I sometimes get very spiteful and think that I won't return to work just to call his bluff and let him see how poorly things go without someone in my position, but it wouldn't be him who suffers or looks bad - it's my coworkers, who are genuinely nice and (although quirky) enjoyable. And of course it's possibly the worst thing to base such a big decision on! But beyond what my boss has control over, I'm approaching pretty much every project at work in the mindset of not being there in 10 weeks. Kind of exciting!

Also exciting - Travis and I bought a carseat this last weekend, which somehow makes us now qualified to take our baby home from the hospital. How crazy is that?!?! A few hundred bucks on some random purchase and we're capable parents?? It feels good to have something major like that checked off the list, and we really like what we got - the whole stroller "travel system". We have also started on our registry at Target, but hardly have anything on it yet. I suppose I really should get on that. Travis said it would be nice if our nursery had a theme instead of being an unmatched assortment of essentials and decorations - typical Johannsen-style of useful and cute individual things, but not purchased for a "together" look. I told him I've never been able to do that and if anything ever looks like it belongs in a room that might be a nursery he should be happy. I doubt that he'll care what the nursery is decorated like once his little kid is at home there. It's fun - we are really getting excited about meeting this lil' peanut (as my childhood violin teacher would say).

... I used to be such a promising lil' peanut! Now I'm just a disposable engineer, who used to play violin and thinks she can be a hot preggo biker chick. Who knew I really had such low, yet diverse aspirations?? :)

Tired

I'm really, really tired. I'm not sleepy so much as my body is just exhausted. I biked another 10 miles after work today (3rd time this week) and I had thought that doing a shorter amount more frequently would be less exhausting, since it isn't that much more frequently. But I've had my bike in my car for the past few days, and the tires were definitely low tonight, which made me even more sluggish. I just keep telling myself, if I don't have to work a full day, running around the plant and on my feet all day, I'll have more energy for biking on Ragbrai. And, I'll get to chill out all afternoon and sit around and nap if I want to. True vacation - I can't wait!

But for tonight - I'm tired!! and I want my husband back. Not only do I miss him, but it'd be nice to have him around to run to the grocery store if we're out of milk, or to help me set up my computer in the basement, or carry out the paper recycling. I guess it could be worse - some women have this exhaustion all the way through pregnancy, and I had only a bit the first trimester and some reprieve until now. But I'm so wiped out now it's hard to put it all in perspective. And it doesn't help that I've had troubles getting comfortable enough to fall asleep at night, and I've had some bad dreams lately too. I actually woke myself up after dreaming about food because I was hungry!! I eat ALL day, and it's actually getting hard to keep myself not hungry and not low on blood sugar. I can't believe the day has arrived when it's hard to think about eating MORE food. Wow. And when I'm this tired, it gets harder and harder for me to imagine I'll have the energy to go back to work in any fashion after the kid gets here. I can't keep track of myself and this house - how am I supposed to keep track of a kid, too??

So, I felt like whining tonight -thanks for listening. I'm sure these days will pass quickly enough, but for now I'm just feeling crappy.

On a more fun note, I have started to be able to figure out which baby's body parts are poking me. I'm certain that the other day its bottom was sticking out just under my ribcage, because it was very very hard and I think I could feel its back all the way down my stomach, then. Normally I'm more squishy, and this was definitely feeling the baby. And if I poke, it kicks back! all the time, lots and lots of kicking and readjusting and fidgeting. I guess I shouldn't've expected anything less, considering neither of this kid's parents can sit still either.

I am so in for it. *sigh*