No right decision

It's 7:15 AM, and I've been awake since 4:18 when Emily was hungry. She went back to sleep around 5 (such a good girl), but I couldn't relax again. It's so hard to sleep when you've been awake long enough to not be sleepy, but not long enough that you're tired again. I probably dozed some of that time, but most of the time I was still mulling over how to make this stupid decision about going back to work. I know - it's the perfect time to make life-changing decisions, in that foggy realm of semi-consciousness. It's not like I've come up with anything better in the daytime, though. I've asked everybody I know for advice, and my list of pros and cons has expanded considerably because of it. But it is no more definitive for me, except my desperation is growing to the point where I just want the easiest, least-stressful way out of this limbo.

Several things happened yesterday: I started working on some arrangements that my bro-in-law asked me to do for a Varieties skit at ISU. Basically, he needs 4 songs arranged for a small pit orchestra - pretty fun. I had forgotten how much I enjoy doing those arrangements, and how satisfying it is that I feel like I'm good at it. Then I got a phone call to play a gig tomorrow night in a quartet, which is also a throwback to my college days and a fun deal. I got a letter in the mail from the Des Moines Symphony saying I could again audition to be an extra, and although it would be a lot of work to be ready to audition by January 8 and there's no guarantee that I wouldn't be right back auditioning in the fall, I might do it. And then I got an email from my boss saying that my position "will not be considered for part-time." He postponed the meeting we were supposed to have until January, and when I told him I needed a decision on part-time work before then, that was his response. I talked with my dad about how to proceed, whether I should try to find another manager who I could work part-time for at the plant or go another round fighting for my current position. It was nice to have someone definitively say that I absolutely cannot put myself through the stress of working for Tom anymore. Whatever I do, I've gotta get out of that department.

I can't devote any more sleepless nights to this decision. It seems pretty clear that my life will be plenty full without a job at Deere, and that there isn't anything that great waiting for me there if I wanted to go back. The job I had been enjoying a year ago is essentially gone, when considering how much of my enjoyment of it stemmed from having healthy management, fun coworkers, and the self-confidence that comes from job familiarity. Since all of that is gone or very much diminished, I can't really go back to it anyway.

Gosh, it sounds like I've made a decision. We'll see how long that sits well in my head. As always, comments are very welcome. solicited, in fact!