pre-baby blues

I've had a rough day today. All day, up until about 3:00 or so, I just felt so completely depressed that I could've cried at any moment. I guess I have a renewed respect for people who live with chronic pain, because even chronic discomfort has wreaked havoc on my mental state. The worst thought in my head has been a feeling of dread, that this really might be as good as I feel in a very long time. Everybody says that once the baby is born, oh boy you thought you had it bad now, just wait until you're sleep-deprived and trying to physically recover from labor. Um, okay, but I'm pretty darned uncomfortable now, and just because I have time to sleep doesn't mean I'm really resting. I'm up several times every night to pee, plus the fact that it's hard to breathe lying down means I'm working harder to breathe all night than will allow a deep restful sleep. My lungs actually ache when I wake up every day! I'm anxious about everything to come, and instead of having a baby to reassure me that this is truly an exciting and worthwhile adventure, I get to spend my days at work avoiding a moronic boss, getting continually assaulted in my ribs, and trying to muster up the energy to do the parts of my job that require me to be on my feet. Then I come home to a cluttered house, exhausted, and I'm supposed to find something good for dinner???

So it all just got me down today, having time to look ahead through the next few weeks. I had yet another person tell me yesterday that I look much too small to be delivering in a month. Even though I'm sure it was intended as a compliment, it seems to take away any validation for how uncomfortable and exhausted I feel. There was another girl in our tailgating group last Thursday who is due 7 weeks after me, and she is much bigger than I am. She got all kinds of support from her husband - and other people! - during the game, but I'm expected to just tough it out. Do you think I might get any of that validation if I were as enormous as I feel? Maybe I should've eaten more Oreos after all...