Christmas

Hope you all had a merry Christmas. I just mailed the Christmas cards today, so be patient, yours is coming.

We spent just over two days - Christmas Eve day and Christmas - at Travis's parents place in Barnum. It was a really hard visit, actually, since Emily was so easily overwhelmed and I had a hard time sharing her. The second night, she was awake every other hour pretending to want to eat but then screaming instead of eating, so I was really tired on Christmas. She had so much milk on her that her whole face and neck was sticky by the time we came home last night. Her head was sticky, too, but that was from cow's milk. She was sitting on my lap when I tried to take a drink, and just as I started to tip the glass, she sneezed. Now, you have to remember that when she sneezes, she throws her arms up over her head and pulls forward, so she got her little hand behind my glass and then yanked it forward. There was milk everywhere. So as I was trying to mop up the milk, she somehow got her hand on my glasses and pulled them off my face!! It's okay - you can laugh, and if it had happened to anybody else I would've laughed too, but I was too tired to put up with being laughed at, and I just about lost it. I kept it together until I went to change my clothes, but you all know how well I hide emotions, so although I didn't say anything I'm sure they all knew I was pissed. I wasn't mad at Emily - she doesn't know those are her hands, and it wasn't her fault she sneezed at that moment. But I was mad that I got laughed at. I hate thinking about what a terrible parent I must look like by appearing to get mad at my infant. It wasn't her - it was the incredible lack of sympathy. I hate wearing my glasses but I can't wear my contacts anymore because they don't correct my astigmatism which has gotten worse since Emily was born. It's so frustrating. And I felt like I was being thrown one thing after another and doing my best to deal with it, but as soon as I had a glaring failure, everyone laughs. It sucked. But it really was a nice Christmas in Barnum, if you discount all of my own personal issues.

So my poor girl had a really hard time with all that excitement. It seemed like I would just get her calmed down, fed, changed, and happy, and someone would want to hold her or play with her. By the time she came back to me she was screaming, poopy, and too wound up to eat even though she was hungry. My mom says I was just the same way, which is nice because I have a little help from her knowing how to help deal with it, especially when we visit Rockford, but hard because I know hard it is to be that overwhelmed little girl. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, especially not someone who is as special to me as Emily. I wish she didn't have to start from scratch on the issues that I've spent my life trying to deal with - sensitivity, insecurity, etc.

Friday we go to Rockford for Johannsen Christmas, which will be fun with the gift opening that night. The next day, though, extended family descends upon my parents' relatively small house, and it's bound to be chaos. Don't get me wrong, it'll be fun to see everybody and it's really special that all of us can be together in the same place, but I'm dreading how hard it will be on Emily. I guess I'll stay in a back bedroom while she's awake and visit with people while she sleeps, and try to keep her in as quiet of surroundings as possible. I guess we're not really all together if I'm hiding in a back room, but I'm going to try to do better at "protecting" her and putting her first this time.

Okay, my daughter needs me. Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.