It's been quiet on this blog lately because my life is absolutely insane. I can't even describe the individual things that make it so hectic, except to say that Christmas isn't helping. I have gifts for Emily this year, but not Audrey or Travis yet, and I don't even have ideas for almost everybody else. I don't think I'm in panic mode yet, except whenever I get a chance to get out (or online) and shop, it appears that stores are out of things or have marked up prices because I'm so "last minute." With over two weeks left! Jeez!
There have been some real joys lately, just little things that I have to consciously tell myself are the reason I'm doing all this work. Audrey smiled at me last night, just barely. it wasn't an all-out grin, of course, but I started talking to her and she looked up at me and gave me the most beautiful expression with her bright blue eyes. I tried to picture that face last night when I was up with her for the 3rd time. I think my favorite nights are the ones where you think you're getting up in the middle of the night, but things go wrong somewhere and it ends up being your wake-up call for the day. Uuugh. Audrey will sleep up to 5 hours at a time, usually around 3 1/2, which is definitely helping me function - key word there being "helping." I am still having a hard time emotionally with my daily job, even on days where I feel rested. I feel like I'm being tested constantly. Emily finally fell asleep after 10:15 the other night because she kept hopping up out of bed. One time she ran into a wall because she was giggling and running around in the dark, so my efforts to be as consistent and non-interactive in hopes that she'll stay in bed were totally derailed. As a result of this newfound desire to run around at bedtime, she's been incredibly tired, which makes it impossible to reason with her (the fact that she's 2 also doesn't help), and we're left with straight discipline instead of teaching lessons. She's fighting off a cold, and still adapting to me being unavailable from time to time with Audrey. And some days she wants to potty train, while other days she insists on wearing a diaper. So yeah, stressful times with Emily.
But she's also wonderful and hilarious! She's getting real sentences now, such as "I need to stop doin' that!" and "I cry all the time." One day when I picked her up at Amanda's, she came running to me, saying "Mom! I found you!!" She's SO good at puzzles, and can do a couple of farm animal puzzles that are meant for 3-year-olds without my help at all anymore. She's decided that her favorite song is "My Favorite Things," and she knows a lot of the words to songs now so she can suggest ones for me to sing to her. She's always so sweet with Audrey, giving her kisses, bringing her her pacifier, and really being gentle around her. The other night, she flung a toy in Audrey's direction, totally by accident, and she was really upset that Audrey was so startled, even though it really wasn't Emily's fault. I have to keep telling myself that Emily's tough times are not failings on my part, and that she is still a wonderful little girl even when pushing the boundaries in every aspect of life. It's hard, though, because if I get to take credit for what a nice little girl she is (as people tell me to do), I feel responsible for her tough times, too.
We're having a snow day here today. Travis is home because there's no way he could get across town to work, with the 15" of snow we've had. It's nice to have a day with Travis home and NO FOOTBALL! Audrey and Emily are both napping this afternoon, unlike yesterday when neither of them slept except Audrey when I was holding her. And no matter what I do while they nap, I always kick myself as they're waking up for not doing something else "more productive." So I figured I'd give up on productivity and blog instead. It's nice to have something I can give up on, because even though I've been told many times that "the first kid is an experiment anyway," my girls are too special to take that attitude towards. And so I keep plugging away...
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