I believe that "ambivalent" is a very good way to describe how I'm feeling. Rather than feeling neither way, it means instead feeling strongly in two directions, actually, and that's pretty accurate for me. It would be less scary if I have a girl but I like the idea of my kids having a big brother. I even dreamed last night that I found out through a blood test (possible only in dreams) that the baby is a boy, and I was really mad because they told me. But, I wasn't the least bit upset that it was a boy, when all along I thought I really wanted a girl most. So that's some good ambivalence.
But most of the ambivalence is much more difficult to wrap my tiny brain around. The thought of quitting my job is very strange, since there have been many days recently that I have felt ready to leave it in an instant. But the thought of not having a JohnDeere.com email, or a paycheck, or the constant interaction with other adults, its all very weird to think about leaving. And why am I studying so hard and working on this promotion if I'm okay with leaving it behind? On the other hand, could I really leave my baby with someone else every day?? I know that it'll be overwhelming and I'll be ready for someone else to take him/her at some point, but right now I just can't fathom that. What do I do?
And I haven't been able to completely shake the worry from last week - if I'm not excited about baby stuff, does that mean I'm not excited about my baby? It's not like I'm very aware of him/her right now, you know. I heard the heartbeat two weeks ago and it'll be another two before I hear it again, so I feel like I've lost contact! My friend told me tonight that she felt her son move at 14 weeks, so I'm actually looking forward to that so it'll feel more real, and maybe I'll be able to stem off my anxiety with excitement. Btw, I'm at 12 weeks, and Baby is the size of a "large plum," so about 2.5 inches. I am left with 3 pairs of pants, 2 bras, and 2 pairs of jeans that really comfortably fit me well, but hey, if I'm working with an extra 2.5" of baby, that's not at all bad!
2 comments:
I think you will be a great mom and make excellent decisions when the time(s) come. It is perfectly OK not to be "totally excited" about being pregnant all of the time - you still have 6 months to go! I miss ya lots - tell Trav hi!
~Heidi
Hey Honey,
I think it's hard, too, when you're in one of those life situations (like being prego, getting married, in college) when society (or TV or whatever) is telling you that you "should" feel a certain way. So happy! Time of your life! Care free! Elated!
The fact that you don't leads you to question yourself - and maybe to miss some of the rainbow of emotional experience that goes with these moments. Sorry I'm all philosophical - just my 2-cents way of looking at the world :). Ambivilence is what makes life so beautiful, I think. You're doing it the best, Kristin. Thank you for sharing so openly about what you're feeling - I know that I love reading about it.
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