I think Clara is trying to smile! It is so tremendously cute. Especially in the mornings, she'll have the most pleasant look on her face, and really try to smile! It looks great on her - can't wait to see its full glory.
Today was a wonderful summer day. The girls went to Ms. Teri's for the last time this morning, and they were not at all confused or concerned by it. Ms. Teri was very reassuring and gave them big hugs, lots of love, and then got all teary as we walked out the door together. It was hard to leave, but I'm really sure that I'm doing the right thing. She truly does love my kids, though, so I hope I didn't burn any bridges.
It's interesting to think about what is different between each pregnancy, each child. This time, whenever I nurse Clara, I get the most horrendous, overwhelming feeling. It happens about 30 seconds before my milk lets down, so sometimes that's as we sit down to nurse, and sometimes it's just after a passing thought of my baby, or just a totally random moment. But I have this feeling of dread, anxiety, and guilt, all at once, almost to the point where my stomach is upset and I kind of want to throw up. It would be one thing if it was just a feeling, but it lasts long enough to manifest itself into actual thoughts, like, feeling guilty about not spending enough time with Audrey, feeling anxious about whether I made the right daycare decision, or dreading going back to work. And that's just the tip of the iceberg - I have lots to feel guilty or anxious about, I guess! It's weird, because I'll get wrapped up in this feeling, and then consciously tell myself that I'm only thinking that because I'm letting down, and I've got enough time to finish whatever I was doing (brushing my teeth, fixing a sandwich, carrying a child) in order to clutch myself for the letdown. It's ridiculous, and mentally tough work! I can see how new mothers can get postpartum depression, if their hormones or chemistry is dictating these thoughts into their heads all the time, instead of just 30-second intervals throughout the day. I don't remember it being this vivid with either Emily or Audrey; I think I would've described it then as suspenseful, like the top of a rollercoaster kind of feeling. Anyway, I'm tired of it, and would like my brain back!!!
Clara continues to be a good sleeper. She generally is only awake once per night, eats well, and goes back to sleep after a change. I could not be more thankful!! It's funny that right now I feel like I can continue this schedule, no problem, but as soon as I get more sleep I won't be able to go back to this, once teething or sicknesses keep her up at night.
We're going to start the cloth diapers tomorrow. I've got them all folded and ready, and I think they'll fit her okay. I have a feeling that she'll go through her allotment of 7 diapers each day really quickly, and we'll use a fair amount of disposables still, but that's fine with me, since I planned on using disposables at night anyway. I've gotta say I'm actually excited about it, so we'll see how long it takes before I decide that they're a pain - and get tired of the stink! She's starting to blow out the size 1's, so hopefully these will be a little more secure.
Clara had her 2-week checkup this week, although she turned 3 weeks old today! She was 10 lbs, 2 oz, and had grown more than an inch in length!! She's of the chart for head size and height, but hovering near the top for weight. She charmed everybody with how alert and beautiful she is, and did a great job tolerating all the poking and manhandling. Emily chatted on and on, telling the nurse and doctor all about Clara, while Audrey saw an opportunity to get into trouble. Guess those birth-order roles are getting more and more solidified!
I should write more about what Emily and Audrey are up to these days, but I'm tired, and this seems like an adequate posting so I'll quit. G'night!
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