So I should be flying high today, on a beautiful sunny day with my girls at home, happily playing, enjoying the new snow that's sure to disappear soon. I had my year-end review yesterday with my boss, and he had nothing but glowing, wonderful things to say about me and my performance last year - and a high overall rating, too, which was apparently unanimous when "normalized" with other managers in my group. Compliments are so good for my ego! :)
But apparently I offended a few people, my husband being one of them, when I asked a group of friends to back me up in supporting my sister, to whatever degree they are comfortable doing. Travis argued that the intent was fine, but it was poorly worded, such that I expected other people to confront her husband should he show up uninvited to an affair (tailgate, party, bike ride, etc.), even if he brings the girls in a cowardly attempt to shield himself from such confrontation. I was surprised that I got two email responses - one from someone I've always liked and respected, and one from someone I've not held in as high esteem but never really had a personal reason to dislike either. It was amazing that the person I was not so crazy about replied with outright support, saying this guy's actions were not cool and he's on board with what I suggested. The other person told me to "back off" and that i had made it uncomfortable for everyone by bringing up someone else's problems. I'm having a hard time getting over it, because I was actually called selfish in the email, and my feelings are hurt. I really know that it's best to let it go, not ruffle any more feathers and just realize that not everyone understands the severity of domestic abuse. But it still stings, and it's made me grouchy today. Travis and I stayed up last night discussing it - fortunately it didn't cross the line into a real argument, but it was definitely heated - because he could see this person's point. I just can't understand how telling my friends that my family won't be offended if you don't offer Dave a beer the next time you see him is really asking that much of people, especially considering what all Jenny is tolerating on a daily basis and what Travis and I have done for other friends in this same group over the years. And I just can't fathom that anyone could tolerate domestic abuse on any scale, at any level. At very least, you'd think that pointing out that he BEAT UP someone they know and like and who couldn't possibly deserve it (really?? what could a wife do to deserve to get beaten up???) would mean something... but I guess not. The worst irony is that I've heard so many people talking and posting about how awful the situation at Penn State is, where young boys were abused and people knew and didn't do anything to stop it. Yet, situations like this can go on in your neighborhood where women and their kids are abused, neglected, berated, and emotionally beaten down for YEARS and everyone can say, well, they're intelligent adults, i'm sure they'll work it out. Or worse, they actually think she does have it coming. Yeah, sure. Until somebody ends up dead, either the guy going on a shooting rampage in a beauty salon or the wife "runs off" with some mysterious guy never to be seen again, or the wife finally kills the husband to stop the abuse, people will never believe it. "He seemed like the nicest guy!"
I'm not fooled anymore. My few dear loyal readers, I hope you aren't fooled either, and will listen with a new ear the next time you hear a girlfriend complain about how her husband abandoned her with the kids for a weekend while he went off playing, or he told her she can't have friends over because the house isn't clean enough, or he spent all their money on himself when it should have been spent on the kids or family, or how she was told she was overreacting when he misused her belongings. Did he make it up to her? did he apologize? did he understand he was wrong and reacted positively when she gave him the ultimatum to not happen again? Or, did he bring up something he thinks is really her fault and make the argument about that instead? It's up to us to help our friends out, because they might be being told at home that they're overreacting if they get their feelings hurt, that they're lonely because their friends don't really like them, that they're not as attractive as when they got married, that they're unreasonable, they're bitchy, they're PMSing, that they HAVE to have sex because a husband is entitled to it, that they're just like their mothers... and so on. If you were being told those things constantly, would you feel like you deserved help??
So, if you're suspicious that a friend needs help, give her access to the Power and Control Wheel and read through it with her. Each of the sections is as important as the other. Even though they may seem like little things that everybody puts up with - they're NOT. Domestic abuse isn't just a black eye or suspicious bruises.
And we have to help each other out, because I've lost all faith in the male gender.
And, please read the comments on this blog. If that doesn't convince you, I don't know what will!
2 comments:
Thanks for your support. I'm glad you included a link to the Power and Control Wheel. I was abused for over 10 years before someone showed the Wheel to me, and my jaw dropped when I saw all of my husband's behavior listed and categorized into the forms of abuse listed on the wheel.
I feel stupid for not recognizing it sooner. I feel stupid for allowing myself to be manipulated and controlled. I feel ashamed when I am referred to as a "victim".
I feel ashamed that I brought three children into an abusive relationship. I feel ashamed that I allowed this to occur in front of my children for so many years. I feel stupid for thinking I could handle it.
I feel hurt that when I asked for help, my friends just told me that "these things happen", that I should go to marriage counseling, or that I should pray about it. I feel angry that Christians encouraged me to endure the abuse because the Church's position is that a woman must subject to her husband because he has the right to abuse her.
I feel angry at the legal system for not taking me seriously when I called 9-1-1 for help years ago. I feel angry at the legal system for giving me the only options of 1)leaving him (and allowing him to continue abusing my children because he the legal system grants him visitation rights) or 2)staying with him to protect my children but subjecting myself and them to the continuing abuse.
I feel hurt that when I tell my story, instead of being outraged that a woman they know and respect was being abused, people assume I must have done something to deserve it, or they assume that I must be equally abusive to him.
I feel angry that a licensed marriage counselor told me that if my husband wouldn't attend the marriage counseling sessions with me, I could only work on myself, implying that I had the power and responsibility to make the abuse stop and also implying that if I achieved perfection he would stop abusing me.
I feel angry that the legal system tries to "even out" this gender crime by prosecuting women 50% of the time, when in reality, it is almost always the man abusing the woman. I feel hopeless when people declare that this is something that goes on behind closed doors and therefore is a private matter. I feel hopeless when I read the statistics that boys who grow up in homes where their mothers are abused are more likely to abuse their spouses, and girls who grow up in homes where their mothers are abused are more likely to marry men who abuse them, perpetuating the cycle of abuse. I feel hopeless when people "mind their own business". Whose business is it then? Who's going to rescue the millions of women and children from abusive relationships? They can't rescue themselves because they don't have resources. Their abusive partners have denied them access to money, legal services, education, and support.
One more thing: by not "taking sides", you are, in fact, taking the side of the abuser and are enabling the abuse to continue. By not supporting the abused woman, you have sent her the message that you think it's OK for her to be abused. By saying that "it takes two to tango" you have told her that you think she shares 50% of the blame for him beating her up. By saying, "I don't know what goes on behind closed doors," you send the message that you think she must have done something to deserve the abuse. By refusing to take sides, YOU allow the abuse to continue and YOU enable the abuser, and YOU are NOT a good friend.
Sure, nobody's perfect. I'm certainly not perfect! But do I have to be perfect before I deserve to face the day without bruises, headaches, and tears? Do I have to achieve perfection before I deserve to live free of threats, put-downs, and lies? What do I have to prove in order to be allowed access to money, friends, family, and employment?
The next time a friend tells you that her husband beat her up, you shouldn't ask, "Why? What happened?" implying that she did something to deserve the beating; rather you should give her a copy of the Power and Control Wheel and the phone number to the battered women's shelter. Tell her you believe her. Tell her she's not crazy. Tell her she didn't deserve to be beaten. Tell her to take good care of her kids. You don't have to choose "her side" or "her partner's side". Just don't take the side of being pro-domestic abuse.
Thanks for the forum, Kristin. Love you!
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