I've had a tough week. I think everyone else has been a normal up and down, but I seem to have taken all the downs and really sunk with them. Audrey had a sniffley nose last week, which turned into a really nasty cold for me, and then just today her ears filled up and she spent the day with a fever. She was so agreeable that I figured I'd wait and see if she could sleep through it and feel better, but after her nap she was really tugging at her ears so I took her to the doctor. Only her second ear infection of her life, but I sure wish I'd taken her in first thing in the morning, because going during after-work traffic was super sucky. There's an otoscope on its way from Amazon right now - enough of this guessing!
Neither girl has slept well this week, which means I haven't either. Emily has been waking about 5 AM complaining that it's dark, but I think she actually is waking because she's cold, and then is confused by the darkness. Try to get her to wear pants for pj's, though, and what a battle you'll get. Travis tried to take her back to bed on Saturday morning, but she wanted to be in bed with us (which is weird because we never do that) so she howled at the top of her lungs for a few minutes, which meant Audrey woke up and wanted to eat. So, that was a long day. No nap that day due to the excitement of the football game (every other kid at the party napped, but even though I took Emily home to be in her bed, she wouldn't nap. I guess she's done napping - fine, let's just get the new schedule figured out). I am starting to feel angry-tired, like I was a few months ago, because I am constantly sneezing and coughing, and my head aches and my back aches from carrying a cranky baby... poor me! Even Travis woke me up last night because I was breathing loudly (can't let me get any deep sleep) and he wanted to make sure that I was on my side away from him, and I was, but the way he touched me felt like Emily reaching for me, so I woke up to see if everything was okay. It was. It was just a team effort that the entire family is in on, to keep me sleep-deprived.
Emily really doesn't enjoy her days at the new daycare. She still talks lovingly about Ms. Amanda's as though she's sure she'll go back there at some point - this other place is just getting in the way of that. She says she's bored there, which I believe. She's bored at home and we do lots! We tried to go to the Spanish language school today, but apparently the person who was in charge of that decided not to do it this year, and didn't take down the posted 2010-2011 class schedule from the website. In searching for an alternative, I found a childcare center in Waukee that includes yoga and Spanish in with its regular preschool program for older kids, and starts signing with infants as soon as they're ready. I called - they don't take part timers. Gah! Do I keep my kids home and bored with me, or send them away to be enriched by other "random" people? I don't think I can win here - I don't get to be the recipient of their shining, best selves either way.
The most frustrating thing is the verbal instruction. I know Emily can do what I ask her to do - she just chooses to make it difficult for me. I can ask her to do something (go wash your hands, stop chewing on that, let go of your sister, etc.) and she'll continue to do whatever she's doing until I get up, go over and start to force the issue, and then she jumps to do whatever I said just before I get to her. She heard me, she understood and she knew, but she just wanted to make me MAKE her do it. Why?? Can't she just believe me that I need her to do what I asked her? Can't she just trust me that I'm trying to keep her safe and healthy?? especially when my hands are full of screaming baby, or I'm trying to sit down to eat something or (god forbid) I snuck away to the bathroom for a second. You would think she would jump when I should "STOP" at her suddenly, just out of instinct from being shouted at suddenly, but no, she just keeps at it until I actually grab her hands away. I know she's just "testing" and just seeing where boundaries are, but can't she just believe me when I tell her? Or when I remind her of what happened the last time she tested that same boundary? Must everything go in her mouth? I swear, she cries more than Audrey does and chews on more things that Audrey does. But, only for me. For everyone else, she is mature and talkative and charming and all that. I am told she does this just for me because she feels safe around me. I don't know why - all of this, combined with my overtired state, makes me into such a lunatic that you'd think she'd be scared of me.
Audrey's still not crawling. I am really not concerned by this at all - she's doing great things and she's obviously a happy, intelligent, wonderful baby, and Emily was kind of the same way with mobility and she's clearly just fine developmentally. I'm fully aware that my daily life is much easier without having to chase a crawler around. But I CAN NOT WAIT for her to walk, just so I can quit having to explain or make excuses for her lack of mobility to everyone, from close friends to acquaintances to complete strangers. Nobody (or almost nobody) asks me how her fine motor skills are progressing, or if it seems like she's understanding language around her yet, or how she interacts with her toys or her sister, you know, all the ways she's really amazing and I could brag about. Nope - it's "Is she walking yet?" and then "Did you know her hair is kind of red?" Really? No kidding! I can't believe I didn't notice that, considering I'm her mother and I stare at her for hours each day!
Wow, I really hate people, I guess. I do love my girls, though. I really should be using this blog to do the opposite kind of filtering that this post is - all the great stuff without the relatively small amount of crappy stuff. But, like I said, I'm incredibly tired, and I can't seem to fall asleep before 10:00 and I've been wakened repeatedly every night this past week, and I'm sick. this morning I was still in bed at 7:00 and it felt like I'd slept til noon. If I could get some rest, I could be a not-crazy mom. If I could eat a few bites of dinner without having to get up to get ketchup, napkins, the OTHER spoon, more applesauce because I refuse to eat the healthy food that you cooked from scratch, more milk -- no I wanted juice! waaaah! i want juice!!! waaaaaah! meltdown. 20 minutes of screaming. Augh! Leave me alone for just a second. Quit needing me for just a moment and I will be your healthy role model. Don't insist on being carried, don't test every command from me, don't demand my attention constantly, don't suck me dry every instant of every day and I can provide more for you, I promise. I don't know how else to reserve anything for me except to go to work, to send the kids to a less-then-great daycare so I can go to a job that I could take or leave... if leaving didn't mean I'd be trampled by the overwhelming task of mothering 24/7.
How can they be so big and so little at the same time?
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