Milestone

I guess if it was a milestone going up, it's a milestone coming down. 150 lbs!! yay! and without really trying - unless you count limiting dessert to one helping "trying."

And, Emily really doesn't have any kneecaps. I've always wondered if that was true about babies, and it is! She does have lusciously fat legs though. :)

No right decision

It's 7:15 AM, and I've been awake since 4:18 when Emily was hungry. She went back to sleep around 5 (such a good girl), but I couldn't relax again. It's so hard to sleep when you've been awake long enough to not be sleepy, but not long enough that you're tired again. I probably dozed some of that time, but most of the time I was still mulling over how to make this stupid decision about going back to work. I know - it's the perfect time to make life-changing decisions, in that foggy realm of semi-consciousness. It's not like I've come up with anything better in the daytime, though. I've asked everybody I know for advice, and my list of pros and cons has expanded considerably because of it. But it is no more definitive for me, except my desperation is growing to the point where I just want the easiest, least-stressful way out of this limbo.

Several things happened yesterday: I started working on some arrangements that my bro-in-law asked me to do for a Varieties skit at ISU. Basically, he needs 4 songs arranged for a small pit orchestra - pretty fun. I had forgotten how much I enjoy doing those arrangements, and how satisfying it is that I feel like I'm good at it. Then I got a phone call to play a gig tomorrow night in a quartet, which is also a throwback to my college days and a fun deal. I got a letter in the mail from the Des Moines Symphony saying I could again audition to be an extra, and although it would be a lot of work to be ready to audition by January 8 and there's no guarantee that I wouldn't be right back auditioning in the fall, I might do it. And then I got an email from my boss saying that my position "will not be considered for part-time." He postponed the meeting we were supposed to have until January, and when I told him I needed a decision on part-time work before then, that was his response. I talked with my dad about how to proceed, whether I should try to find another manager who I could work part-time for at the plant or go another round fighting for my current position. It was nice to have someone definitively say that I absolutely cannot put myself through the stress of working for Tom anymore. Whatever I do, I've gotta get out of that department.

I can't devote any more sleepless nights to this decision. It seems pretty clear that my life will be plenty full without a job at Deere, and that there isn't anything that great waiting for me there if I wanted to go back. The job I had been enjoying a year ago is essentially gone, when considering how much of my enjoyment of it stemmed from having healthy management, fun coworkers, and the self-confidence that comes from job familiarity. Since all of that is gone or very much diminished, I can't really go back to it anyway.

Gosh, it sounds like I've made a decision. We'll see how long that sits well in my head. As always, comments are very welcome. solicited, in fact!

Work sucks.

I got my performance review from my boss. I had talked to him before I left for maternity leave, and apparently he retained nothing from that discussion. His comments were full of questions that I had already answered when we talked one-on-one. If he hadn't waited 6 weeks to write his comments he might have actually remembered what I had told him. Worst of all, he rated me down in the category of "adapting to change." I am so upset about that that it's made it hard to sleep. I mean, in the past year, I've had a new manager, new coworkers, new responsibilities, and even operated with NO manager for a while, and successfully completed everything I worked on - while pregnant!! And, since the fiscal year didn't end until Oct 31, I accomplished everything a month ahead of time. The most frustrating part is that it's keeping me up at night, and I just have to CHILL OUT. I mean, Emily slept 6.5 hours last night without waking me, and I slept less than 6 of that because I couldn't settle down. I am most angry that I let this idiot get to me - which is a Catch-22, of course, so I just go around in circles.

So I'm trying to do what I can to get comments changed and corrected, and to do so I have to go in to work. Fortunately, Trav's brother Pat is willing to watch her while I go in to work. He was going to drive from Fort Dodge just to spend an afternoon with her anyway, so this works out well. Still, it sucks that I have to make special arrangements to get my boss straightened out when he should've had this all done before I went on maternity leave.

I'm not so excited about going back to work...

scatterbrain

Every once in a while I get a thought in my head worth blogging about, but when I do have a two-handed moment, I can't think what they were. It's just as well, since I had a very sobering experience tonight, having nothing to do with motherhood. Travis and I happened to turn on the TV and see Andy Rooney. I haven't seen him in years, not that I ever did pay that much attention to him, but he's gotten REALLY old! Like, skin-falling-off-his-face old. And he had such tremendous insights as "I don't think anybody calls the fourth of July 'Independence Day' anymore; we all just call it 'The Fourth'," and "I don't think even the Labor Unions make much of Labor Day anymore'." He gets paid to spew crap! And I was inspired to blog. Anybody else enjoying that irony as much as I am? Even if it is at my expense. :)

So, after hearing Rooney randomly leak his decaying brain juice, I felt like a little piece of my brain had in turn rotted away because I insulted its intelligence. I hope I haven't treated you to the same experience in my blog over the past year. I don't know how much I'll continue blogging, but if I ever can get a significant thought to stick until I can get to a computer, I'll add it. As Emily grows, I'm sure there'll be more bragging to appear on this site.

This isn't a farewell or end, just a warning that the updates will be less frequent. Thanks to all of you who've been so encouraging to me from afar. I am so glad I started this when I found out I'd be Emily's mom someday. Isn't that wild? I'll be her mom forever. It's crazy scary and incredibly cool at the same time. :)

I am officially speaking too soon

So I might be figuring out,this mothering-thing. Emily has had great nights the past 3 nights or so, sleeping 3 - 4 hour chunks of time and going right back to sleep after a snack and a change. She even wiggled herself back to sleep once! During the day, I'm becoming a little more sensitive now to knowing whether she's bored-fussy or tired-fussy, and more patient with just sitting with her while she sleeps. She will take a longer nap in the morning, and micronaps in the afternoon of 10 - 20 minutes - or longer if she's got a warm body to sleep on. What a sweet baby. :) She's a great eater, and even better pooper, except when I have pizza for dinner in which case she develops a case of the screaming shits about 4 AM. ("Sorry, honey, at this point you've just gotta work it out on your own...") She is so close to smiling, and she makes sweet little cooing noises too, usually after she's had an especially satisfying meal. I kiss her all the time - I can't help it!!

I even figured out that while she may not take a pacifier from me (she knows I have the real thing), she might suck on my finger. It's such a wild feeling - and amazing how hard she can suck!! This little trick was a lifesaver when I was driving across town the other day and didn't have a pacifier, which she would've just spit out anyway. I reached back to rub her cheek, hoping that would help the fussing, but she grabbed hold of my finger and was a happy camper until we reached our destination and she could finish her lunch. It was both funny and morale-boosting at the same time. Is it possible that I'm actually getting the hang of this?

Today is Travis's last Monday at class, so my last regularly-scheduled superlong day. There will be others as things come up, of course, but it sure is nice to have the end of his collegiate career approaching. I'm trying to think of nice ways to commemorate it, and haven't come up with anything good just yet.

A fun story -
Emily has a pair of jeans that are just hilariously cute on her. She was kicking away on her changing table as I was getting her dressed, and her feet would disappear up into her jeans upon retracting. I had a sock ready for whatever foot stuck out, but it was like a game of Whack-a-Mole, trying to guess which leg would be next. Okay, I guess it isn't that funny when written out, but I have to entertain myself somehow.

And, she still loves her pictures. What a lifesaver!

As for me, I started looking for childcare, and actually talked to one person (no openings) and she's going to call me if she knows of any openings elsewhere. I have 6 or 8 others to call, and hopefully that will lead to others and I'll get something worked out. The gal I talked to today was talking up her profession, telling me she gets 3 or 4 calls a week asking if she's got openings, so it wouldn't take too long to find people willing to let me watch their kids. I hadn't really considered it, and I doubt that's what I would do, but interesting to know it's such a viable option. I'll add that to the list of options, which now include having my part-time outlet come from playing in a symphony. If my third try with the Des Moines symphony doesn't pan out, perhaps i can play in Waterloo again, since I played in that group in 2003. But auditions for both aren't until August, so I have some time on that one.

Is anybody else tired of Christmas commercials already??

The same old quandary

It's November. I really can't put off this decision much longer. I must start looking for daycare for Emily, and it's breaking my heart to realize this. Travis and I had a long talk about it on the way back from a Halloween party (a few pictures are posted on our google site - cutest Jack-o-lantern ever!). I guess, I talked and Travis listened supportively. I am "cursed" with the fortune of a husband who is fine with whatever I decide, and a financial situation that doesn't dictate what I need to do. Since I've never worked part-time before, how am I supposed to know if I'll be satisfied doing that? And, another thing with finding day care for Emily is that if it doesn't work for me to do part-time work at Deere, then I'll stay home and it's a wasted effort, so there's another reason that I want to put it off.

Would somebody just tell me what I need to do, already?? :)

The Halloween party was really fun. I have such creative friends!! The costumes were all really clever - except for mine, which wasn't a costume at all because I'm too lame to come up with anything. It was great to get out and be social, though. And, Iowa State actually won a football game, so it was fun to feel celebratory as well.

Also, if anybody has any ideas on how to entertain someone who cannot lift her own head and doesn't know that she has hands or feet, I'd really appreciate it. Right now my repertoire includes singing, dancing, bouncing, tummy time, looking at pictures on the wall or other fascinating objects, and walking around the house. Other ideas?? I can already tell she's not going to be so easily entertained here pretty soon.