starting from scratch, still

I know I was saying that I wasn't getting my hopes up for yesterday's doctor's appointment, but I really did. I had so much trouble sleeping the two nights before because I had contractions and cramping, so I thought for sure there'd be some change. But no, no change at all. I was so incredibly frustrated. Then when I got back to work, I spent the entire day fixing things that other people had screwed up, and it took me hours to settle down and be not pissed. It was just a very bad day.

My mom had spent the day in Ames going to garage sales, so she had found some great deals on baby stuff and brought them down to me after work. That was a nice boost to the spirits, but she's coming down with a cold and so was worried about passing that along. I'm not too worried, though, because I think maybe the pregnancy side-effects of my head being so mucus-y will keep any germs from getting through anyway. Travis slept in the guest bed the other night because I was snoring so loud.

Anyway, I guess I'm resigning myself to being pregnant for a lot longer, finishing off my last week of work, and trying to relax as much as I can in the process. I'm not going to do miles of walking to try to get contractions going, because I'll just wear myself out. Since my body won't cooperate at all, I'll just wait for being induced, which my doctor says won't be "much" past 41 weeks. That's October 9 or later. *sigh*

9 more days of work. weird!!

So I've started feeling a little more than nothing this week, it seems. I've had more contractions that aren't related to standing up or stressors, and those that are caused by that are much more annoying. Every once in a while I feel like I've got standard cramps, so who knows, maybe the doctor will be able to tell a difference on Friday. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it would really be cool if stuff was starting. Not that I have my bags packed for the hospital or anything. :) that would totally jinx it! I did buy nursing bras and a few other things this weekend that really made me feel like I can honestly say a baby would be okay living in my home. And since my official due date is a week from tomorrow, it's probably good that I'm feeling that way!

I stepped on the scale tonight, and it actually creaked at me. It freaking creaked!!! There are people who weigh way more than 177 lbs, so I think that was just uncalled for. It is a little weird to not be able to just look down at the number, though - kind of have to look to the side of my belly.

It was another beautiful weekend in Iowa, and I got to show my workplace to my parents. The plant had an open house to celebrate 60 years in operation, so I was able to show them the parts I work with, the heat treat areas, and my lab. Dad asked me all kinds of questions about engineering and manufacturing that I couldn't answer, and he was impressed with the damage done to the lab by my accident last summer. Once again, when navigating in a crowd of people, I had to consciously tell myself that I'm actually narrower face-on than turning to the side. It's a weird habit to break - you try it!!

I had every intention of being productive tonight, but I'm pretty tired. Those of you who know the pace I generally go at may be astonished to know that a complete evening for me is unloading and reloading the dishwasher, grocery shopping and putting it away, and scrambling a few eggs for dinner. That's it, I'm shot. I really don't know how working mothers ever end up having a second child, because I wouldn't be able to take care of another kid on top of all that I do now.

Take care, all.

Oh would you just relax already!!

The new Kristin =

Chilled out. Huge, but not worried about labor. Not worried about tying up loose ends at work. Not worried about childcare, returning to work, or taking care of a baby. None of that worrying was actually spurring me into action to do anything about it (if even possible), so forget it, Kristin!! I need to enjoy this while I can. An excellent example of that:

I was laying on the couch tonight, and Travis walked by and patted my belly and said hi to Baby. I told him it was too bad he missed it, because about an hour earlier Baby was kicking and jumping and moving all over the place, hands and feet and everything. So he starts poking at my belly, lifting it (I was on my side) and jostling and telling Baby to wake up!!! About 10 seconds after he stopped, Baby woke up and started stretching. There's not much room to stretch in there, mind you, so it was quite uncomfortable for me, but Trav thought it was very cool because he could feel specific body parts poking out - bottom, knees, feet. And the smile on his face was so great. He's going to be such an awesome dad. :)

I visited the doctor again today, and again no change. He said that based on my size I've probably got a 7 - 7.5 pound baby in there. Now, keep in mind that Baby grows about a half a pound per week (and that I believe his estimate might be on the low side - you decide from the picture), and you'll see why I've been anxious to get this party started. But I can't do anything until my body decides to cooperate. Once it does, I got the impression that they'll be willing to schedule an induction and get it going once my due date is passed, no matter how much "in labor" I really am. So, after today's discussion, I feel a little better. I feel very confident that the hospital will take the very best care of me and my baby, and isn't that really the only thing to worry about? Even though it may take forever to get labor going, I will get what I need because even if I can't assert myself, Travis can on my behalf. As I was leaving the office, I asked the nurses for the phone number to call when I think I'm in labor, and they laughed and said if I'm not sure, then I'm not in labor! Supposedly I'll know it's time when I can't walk through a contraction, and pain is unbearable. It sounds to me like someone who's not as stubborn as I am would get help a lot sooner, so there's no point in being a good sport. And if I get panicky once the time comes, there's no glory in toughing it out. When I feel miserable, then I'm in labor, and they can help me. So CHILL OUT, KRISTIN!! I figure I'll have no trouble telling them that I am in the worst labor pain I could ever imagine. Are they going to start judging my imagination?? :)

The baby shower at my workplace was yesterday after work, and I have to say it was absolutely wonderful. There were only about 10 - 12 people there, but they were people who I really have enjoyed working with and I was so touched that they would go through all that trouble for me! They had a cake, punch, mints, gifts, and a game - the whole deal. It only lasted about an hour, and it was pretty low-key but really really fun. I was amazed at how many people had chipped in for the group gift, too - I swear they completely cleaned off my registry!!! Travis came over to the plant for it, too, which was very sweet of him. I have to say, feeling that loved and appreciated did a lot for my worried, dreading mood lately. It feels good to relax, and really feel like smiling. There is so much to be smiling about!!

sorry, no picture yet...

I know you all want to see a picture, and I'll get there, but honestly, I'm just huge. I've already put on the maximum recommended weight gain, so it's frustrating that I could have this baby any day now, but it'll probably be a few more weeks, which is just that much more weight for me to either push out or work off later. So yeah, I'm big, that's all! My old boss told me she was 4 weeks overdue with both of her daughters, and that she just got used to being that big size. I guess I haven't gotten used to it yet. I was giving Travis a comparison, since his backpack weighed about 35 lbs when we went to Europe in 2003. Remember how good it felt to take that pack off at the end of the day? I so much want to take my pack off...

Man, I thought I had fun at the previous two ISU tailgates, but yesterday blew all that out of the water. I had been telling myself that it didn't matter how the game went because I just wanted to see all my friends. And it's true, that would've made a fantastic day in and of itself. For those of you who made it to our tailgate, it was so great to see you!!! It was a beautiful day in a fun atmosphere, and the only thing that could've topped the fun I had in the morning would be a win from the Cyclones - and they did! They beat Iowa!! The whole game was fun to watch, even with the lingering feeling of doom that ISU could completely screw it up at any minute. They were 17-point underdogs and had just lost to two Division II schools, but when it came down to the very last second, they stepped up and WON. Incredible. What a great day.

And that all activity and excitement leaves me tired again today. I stood up nearly all morning yesterday, maybe twice I got to sit down, and most of the game, and today my feet and legs and abdomen are really unhappy I put myself through that. I think Baby slept most of the day since I was standing and walking (and jumping, which although it was an exciting game - big mistake! ow!), so today there is all kinds of activity going on in my belly. I felt it moving around the few times I woke up last night, so I thought maybe when I woke up it would have worn itself out a bit? Guess not. I slept for 10 hours last night, which although fabulous, seems to still not have been enough!

I'm going to take my brother to the airport today for another 3 week trip to Turkey & Washington DC. It's weird to think that when he comes back, he should have a little niece or nephew to meet!

On Friday, I had an appointment with one of the two doctors who might deliver my baby - apparently it's a 50/50 shot who will be there. I'm sure he talks to a lot of women who have a lot of fears about delivery, so I tried to be more specific and give him some idea of what it is that I'm afraid of and ask what he can do to help me. His basic response was that he doesn't give a shit what family history is, no matter the predisposition for enormous head size and overall size, and that there's no way he would do anything to help speed labor. I could be in very slow labor for days and days and he won't help me - not that he couldn't help, but that he won't. I don't have much hope that the other doctor will be less of an asshole, so I guess I'm just left with the option of going into their office and throwing hysterics in the waiting room if I need help, and maybe one of their nurses will take pity on me. They would be willing to let me suffer through days of labor, and discover upon complete dilation that the baby is too big to deliver, then do an emergency c-section, because "the goal is a vaginal delivery" (which seems to be code for "I am too lazy to do anything ahead of time to prevent you from going through that hell"). I'm going to give the other doctor a chance to listen to me on Thursday, but he's the one who chewed me out about Ragbrai so I'm not very hopeful. I am just trying to look ahead to labor and delivery as something horrible that I'll have to get through on my own so I can have something wonderful later. I can't believe I'm actually paying these jerks.

Last day of school

I realized the other day that in counting down the (maximum) number of days that I have left to go to work, it feels a lot like waiting for summer vacation when you're a kid. Not like college, where there's finals and the worry of how to start a job and make enough money in the summer to get through the next year. But more like summer vacation where there's exciting stuff ahead, and you don't have to think about the standard day-to-day grind until 3 months later. Yeah, it's like that. Wild. Except being a kid, you get to sleep in. Having a kid, I think it's the opposite. Oh well, it's still a fun feeling of anticipation that I didn't think I'd experience again.

I'll try to post a picture after this weekend. At this point (175 lbs! yeah!) it's just more of the same. Bigger and wigglier. I thought the kid was supposed to settle down and rest up for delivery??

starting 37 weeks

At the end of this week, I will be officially full-term, and ready to pop. I still have 3 prenatal classes left to attend, so I suppose it's just as well that my family history predispositions me to not go ahead of due date. Even so, I don't think I'll work past Oct 5, which means I've got 20 work days ahead of me. That still seems like a lot, but what I am enjoying tonight is the thought that I only have three more Sunday Nights (after this evening, of course) to do the dreading that I have done to varying degrees of severity over the past 4.3 years. That's right, I counted the number of weeks since June 23, 2003, when I started at Engine Works, and it comes to 4.3 years that I've been a full-time John Deere employee. Sunday nights were the hardest when I was in Minneapolis, pretending to be a quality engineer and far from "home," and I remember a few occasions of getting so anxious that I couldn't even settle down to sleep. Then I moved to Des Moines, and once I got settled into the job a bit, I was able to say without flinching that I enjoyed my job - which was an incredible move up from pretending to not hate my daily grind. It's weird to think that my overall satisfaction at my current job peaked sometime before the start of this year, because I always thought I would be happiest in a job when I felt most competent and confident. It turns out that although that's really very important, the competence of those around me is possibly equally important to me. I guess that's something I should remember as I try in the next 3 months to decide what to do career-wise.

This weekend was fun, despite the Cyclones' dismal performance on the football field. It was a beautiful day for tailgating, and I saw lots of fun people, and really had a nice time before the game started. At the game, though, I got overheated because I was in a row with too many people in it (it's so hard to look at one's ticket and know where to sit) and then moved into a row with too many fat people in it, plus I was in the vicinity of somebody who thought because he's outside he could fart any time he wanted. Besides being overheated and tired of smelling shit, on my way to my seat I also almost got brought down by an elderly lady who was trying to get to her seat. She tripped over someone who wouldn't let her into her row, fell backwards onto me and tumbled down a few steps. I felt really bad for her, but when someone behind me yelled to help her up, I got really mad, because it was all I could do to retain my own balance. Apparently, I don't look 9 months pregnant from behind, because nobody asked me if I was okay after being knocked off balance on a concrete stairway. That was probably the low point of the weekend, though, and once I got it out of my system I enjoyed the horrible game as much as the next Cyclone fan.

I also went to a "baby fair" Saturday morning at the hospital where I'll deliver, and I got to see their birthing rooms, recovery area, and nursery, plus they had a whole area set up for booths to pick up pamphlets and sign up for door prizes. The neatest thing was a talk I went to on teaching your baby to sign. The person doing the talk offers classes, but I might just get some small benefit if I can find a good book on it. One thing I hadn't thought about was learning to recognize how a babies make the signs, since their motor skills aren't quite up to exact mimicry. I didn't know that it's real ASL signs that are used, and I was also reassured that signing does not delay development of verbal skills, but actually advances it. I don't know that I'd end up doing much signing, but it sure would be nice to avoid the "eh, eh, eh," noises that kids make before words come, because I can see myself being annoyed by that.

So today I did nothing, except go to the prenatal class. I have started on a list of small stuff I need to do before the baby comes (wash crib sheets, stuff like that), because if I don't write them down I'll forget something. I know I'm kidding myself to think I'll actually get everything ready, or feel like I'm ready, but I sure am ready to not have a baby in my belly anymore. Ohhh, to take a deep breath!!

The pinkest girl at John Deere

I wore a very pink shirt to work today. It's one of the only shirts that will cover enough of my front to be decent to wear to work. Can you believe my belly is actually hanging out of my clothes now??



Also, a sneak peak at our nursery. It's got the basics, but none of the frills (mobile, toys, changing pad, etc.) that make it probably fully functional. At least it looks enough like a baby's room that I don't panic when I walk by it. I just get a little nervous, and that's okay. I'm putting together a bunch of labor-related questions to ask both of the doctors I've seen, so once I have that appointment next week I think I'll feel a lot better. I had several contractions tonight, but they're probably just Braxton-Hicks still. I chatted with my mother-in-law about my labor fears tonight, and she was informative and helpful, not to mention just fun to chat with. She thinks I'm crazy for being reluctant to go for an epidural, but since Travis nearly passed out while viewing an animated graphic of how it works, he has discouraged me from getting one. I am cynical enough to think that if anybody's going to have bruising, headaches, or an all-around bad experience with one, it'd be me. So, might as well avoid it, as best I can.

I had a sip of Travis's Octoberfest tonight. It was heaven.

pre-baby blues

I've had a rough day today. All day, up until about 3:00 or so, I just felt so completely depressed that I could've cried at any moment. I guess I have a renewed respect for people who live with chronic pain, because even chronic discomfort has wreaked havoc on my mental state. The worst thought in my head has been a feeling of dread, that this really might be as good as I feel in a very long time. Everybody says that once the baby is born, oh boy you thought you had it bad now, just wait until you're sleep-deprived and trying to physically recover from labor. Um, okay, but I'm pretty darned uncomfortable now, and just because I have time to sleep doesn't mean I'm really resting. I'm up several times every night to pee, plus the fact that it's hard to breathe lying down means I'm working harder to breathe all night than will allow a deep restful sleep. My lungs actually ache when I wake up every day! I'm anxious about everything to come, and instead of having a baby to reassure me that this is truly an exciting and worthwhile adventure, I get to spend my days at work avoiding a moronic boss, getting continually assaulted in my ribs, and trying to muster up the energy to do the parts of my job that require me to be on my feet. Then I come home to a cluttered house, exhausted, and I'm supposed to find something good for dinner???

So it all just got me down today, having time to look ahead through the next few weeks. I had yet another person tell me yesterday that I look much too small to be delivering in a month. Even though I'm sure it was intended as a compliment, it seems to take away any validation for how uncomfortable and exhausted I feel. There was another girl in our tailgating group last Thursday who is due 7 weeks after me, and she is much bigger than I am. She got all kinds of support from her husband - and other people! - during the game, but I'm expected to just tough it out. Do you think I might get any of that validation if I were as enormous as I feel? Maybe I should've eaten more Oreos after all...