To work, or not to work...

***Disclaimer! If any of you never knew before that I'm quite insecure, you'll know it after this blog entry! And if you don't care to read the boring, whiney details of life as a metallurgist at John Deere, the baby stuff is in the last paragraph. :) ***

That is the question of the day, apparently.
One of my coworkers, whom I chat with frequently, started off the day by asking me if I had started looking at daycare or considered it yet. I told him NO I have no idea! I honestly haven't gotten there yet (because I haven't decided yet if I'll need to! but I didn't tell him that). Most of the rest of midmorning was filled with reminders of the crappy ordeal that I'm going through with HR right now. Basically, I should've had a promotion more than a year ago and they've had their heads too far up their asses to get it straightened out. The most frustrating thing about it is that it makes me question my competency even more - you would think the opposite would be true, and on rare occasions it is, where I think "I deserve this! I'm great and I work hard and you're not appreciating me like I should!" But most of the time I'm just fighting for it on the principle that the guy who has my old job in Minneapolis has the promotion that I should've had (which actually makes this 3 years overdue!). And when I make any little mistake, or hesitate in front of people who know that I really should know and that I don't (happens daily, at least), I get really down on myself and wonder why I'm even trying to get the promotion. And even once (or if) I do get it, the things I've learned about getting promoted in Deere manufacturing are so dismal that it's hard to even look ahead and see this as a career. That was my feeling heading into lunch today. (Okay, I was feeling hungry too, but that's a given.)

Then at lunch, the conversation centered around the only topic that could make my emotional work situation more difficult - the other metallurgist is looking for another job. That means that when anybody in Des Moines Works has questions about metals, they'll have to come to me. He's been at this for 8 years - I have only a year and a half under my belt, and those years of experience make a huge difference. There's stuff I just plain don't know, haven't encountered yet. So I'm really dreading him leaving just because it's going to be so hard when I become the sole resource for the plant, and I know I won't be able to solve the really hard problems. And obviously, HR is a bunch of idiots who don't know how to fill jobs so I'll probably be doing both his job and mine until I go on maternity.

This afternoon I got a few things done in the lab, just buried myself in work, and in the last two hours I solved 2 or 3 problems and was able to really help answer a question about steels specifications. It made me feel so much better about the place that I was actually feeling good when I left work. Just doing something helped prove to myself that I really am good enough, at least at the things I have experience with!! I actually felt smart - which, though fleeting, felt very good.

So, with all those emotions about work, do I leave it behind? Or come back for more in January?
I am really getting bigger now, at a much faster rate than before. I'll post another picture this weekend, so you'll see. I am assuming that the weight I'm putting on is baby weight because I'm hungry a lot, and before in my life whenever I've gained weight it was eating too much of the wrong things, and not out of hunger. But I've been eating relatively healthfully (if you discount the Mike'n'Ikes), and constantly!! I left work yesterday just because I was hungry, and after a substantial snack I was still hungry for dinnertime. I can say now that my weight is in uncharted territory for me - nearly150 for the first time ever. yikes! I haven't felt the baby move yet, but it seems to enjoy jumping on my bladder, especially when I just stand up. I am still able to avoid maternity pants, and my belly seems to be growing over my waistband on the few pairs of pants that I can wear to work, so I'm going to milk that as long as I can. In another week or two, I'll bet people will be able to tell, just seeing me in regular clothes. Ohhhh boy...