WEIRD

Audrey had a record-length freak-out yesterday.  It lasted, I'm not kidding, 2 hours and 45 minutes.  Twice, she settled down, fell asleep, then woke up screaming again after about 20 minutes of rest.  It was the entire evening.  I was FINALLY able to snap her out of her state by an ingenius tactic:  I cried.  I finally got the point where I could have her in my arms, since she was writhing and thrashing around for much of it, so a hug was feeling pretty good.  I was feeling guilty because she was in such a state and I couldnt' do anything about it, so I started crying a bit.  When she heard me, she stopped, and finally said the first thing she'd said in hours (instead of howling): "It's okay, Mom.  It'll be all right."  Just exactly the words I had been telling her for hours.  Seeing that she was now acting human again, I kept up the tears, this time just to see if I could get her completely calmed down, by asking her how I should go about stopping crying, if maybe she could show me how a deep breath worked, and it totally worked.  It was such a relief. Not only was I glad to have the awful howling stop, but it showed me that there really isn't anything wrong with her.  She CAN stop.  It's not a systemic problem, it's not a reaction to diet or her environment or a mental defect.  She's just an amazing case of The 3's.  So, I can do it.  Stay level, and try to stay a step ahead. 

But, wow.

Clara had her 6-month shots this morning, and of course she cried a little, but actually Emily cried more than she did! She was upset that Clara was in pain and she just couldn't handle knowing what her little sister had been put through. I can't tell you how amazing it felt to see Emily acting so kind and with such empathy, how proud I was to be her mom.  What a lovely, amazing little girl she is.  I haven't totally screwed her up after all! Things are looking up. :)

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Chin Up

Travis and I stayed up way too late last night, trying to figure out how I'm supposed to tough out the hard days.   The girls played nicely for most of the time that I was home with them yesterday after work and before Travis got home at 5, but in the last 20 minutes, Audrey managed to cut her hair, Clara got knocked over and hit her head pretty good, and Emily kicked Audrey in the chest fighting over a stupid baby toy.  It was such a contrast to how happy I was when I got home from work and how glad I was to see my kids, to then how much I hated their incessant screaming.  When are parents supposed to talk to each other about when we need the other to do something different?  Travis works 10-hour days consistently, with additional early and late meetings on occasion.  He gets frustrated that I am short-tempered with the kids.  When do we talk about this? When we're already upset for other reasons, of course. perfect.  So I pointed out to him that when I snapped at him for being at work so late, that he can't get upset at me for my poor delivery of a legitimate need and then turn around and tell me I shouldn't be so short-tempered with the kids because they have poor delivery of their legitimate needs.  Yes, I know I should always tell myself that they are not capable of proper delivery - they're just kids, of course - but can't he also tell himself that I have been picked and picked and picked on, I'm overtired, and nursing an increasingly mobile baby, and maybe I can't perfectly craft my delivery each time?!  It seemed pretty hypocritical.  The conversation went something like this: "I need help.  I am failing my kids and I'm unhappy way too much of the time, and some of it is your fault." "I don't like the way you asked for help. Here's what's wrong with you." "Okay, yes, those are valid things I want to work on, but here's why it's so hard and I need help. We both have to change something."  "Well, here's what you should do different, then."  Not exactly the kind of help I need.

That paragraph may not make all that much sense, but I'm trying to get it out of my system, because I'm still irked about the whole thing.  My eyes hurt this morning, all puffy from crying, and although it was nice that Clara slept much later than usual, I didn't get to go back to sleep after she nursed at 5:30.  And, Emily is sick with a cold and upset stomach, so she won't be going to preschool today.  She and Audrey are watching TV while Clara naps right now - we are all pretty worthless today.  I am so bummed, not only because it's harder to care for sick children than healthy ones, but that takes away my Mom-and-Audrey time that I treasure so much, and only get for a few hours, once per week.  She really gets the short end of the stick when it comes to my attention, because Clara demands so much of it, and Emily can communicate her needs so much more easily than Audrey can that she ends up getting a lot of my focus.  And what's left for Audrey, isn't enough.  it's just not fair that I don't have enough for them.

I don't think I've blogged about what Clara can do lately - she is really an independent sitter now!  I try to remember to put the boppy around her still, but I forget because she is really pretty good on her own.  I brought up a whole bunch of baby toys for her to play with, and she is really, really enjoying them.  Emily and Audrey are enjoying having new things around, but I think they'll be glad to have Christmas come since baby toys won't hold their interest that long.  I'm hoping the timing works out well, there.  Clara is also eating solid foods - oatmeal twice a day!  She's doing great with it, and really likes it.  I think it has helped her sleeping, although an earlier bedtime might help a lot, too.  I've got quite a bit of baby food in the freezer, ready for her next addition to her diet - squash, sweet potatoes, peas, and a fruit mix. 

Well, the girls' show is over, I'd better get moving again.  I've gotta make some changes, and just get through this.  I remember feeling like this when Audrey was about Clara's age, so I'll get back to being the person I like to be again soon. right?