memories

For some reason, today, I got to thinking about my accident from nearly 2 years ago. I have lots of scars, and sometimes when I look at them I get scared all over again. I don't really remember the pain from that day, except for the deep ache in my shoulder where the piece of glass was lodged. But I do remember the fear, and it's funny how it can come back to me at any time if I let my mind wander that direction. It doesn't take much - even looking at the mirror and seeing the scar from the relatively shallow cut right across my neck is scary to me. How easily that could have been where the glass cut deeper, and if so, I probably wouldn't have survived.

After the accident, the Medical group at work asked me to write down what happened so they could include that as part of the accident report. The only thing I didn't include was that I was trying to get this all done as fast as I could because I had to pee, and I was going to stop on my way out to the shop floor. :) Anyway, I reread it today, hoping that maybe the further I get from it and the more I know I'm safe now, maybe it won't scare me so much. Since I have this blog forum, I'm copying it in for you all to read. When I look at Emily and think about the what a wonderful little family we are, I am certain that she is the reason that glass hit my shoulder instead of my neck. What a shame to deny this wonderful little being of her existence on account of my own stupidity.

July 19, 2006:
"My original plan for the afternoon was to use ethanol to clean off the hardness testers out in Dept.38 and 39, hoping to improve their hardness results. I wanted a full bottle of ethanol in the little spray bottle, so I refilled it from the glass jug under the hood cabinet. This was almost empty so I went to the flammables cabinet and started to fill it, when I realized I had grabbed the acetone instead by accident. I immediately took this into the hood and dumped it down the drain, flushed with lots of water. Then I left the ethanol jug on the counter, upsidedown over a paper towel, to dry, thinking it might be a bad idea to add ethanol to a wet jar.

"Then I saw that the etch jar was almost empty too, and I thought as long as I had my acid gloves on and was working with pouring ethanol, I would fill it up too. But, the ethanol jug was still drying and I thought I’d do the acid first and the ethanol second so I’d only have to get it out once, for the acid and for the ethanol at the same time. (This is the first time I should’ve realized to do the ethanol first for safety).

"Each jug holds 2.5 L. The acid jug is a 10% nitric acid with 90% ethanol. I estimated that I should make 2L of solution because there was a little (an inch or so) still left in the jug. This would mean 200 mL of acid and 1800 mL of ethanol. I took the nitric acid from the acids cabinet in the outer lab into the hood, and measured out 200mL and put it in the 10% jug. I did all this under the hood, thinking it would be safer to pour acid in there, but this is the second point where I should’ve realized that the ethanol should go in first. Then I put the lid on the 10% jug and the nitric acid, and went out in to the outer lab. I put the nitric acid jug away in the acids cabinet, and took the other jug over to the flammables cabinet, where the ethanol is.

"I knew that 10% nitol reacts with ethanol at that concentration, because if a small plastic spray bottle is filled fairly full and tightly screwed shut, the pressure inside will build up (especially if shaken) and it’ll spew out the nozzle. This is yet another reason for me to know not to put large amounts of acid with small amounts of ethanol, but I wasn’t really thinking about the small amount already in the jar. The funnel I used was also the same funnel I had used to pour the acetone, so I had rinsed it off really good after that mishap. I hadn’t dried it, though, and I noticed the acid reacted a bit with the water. This could’ve sped up the reaction in the bottle, but it should’ve been another reason for me to leave the bottle under the hood.

"When I brought the nitol bottle over to the flammables cabinet, I set it up on the filing cabinet, and noticed it was starting to react inside – starting to turn a chemical yellow color, about like the 10% solution does. Thinking it needed venting (like described above), I unscrewed the cap a little. I really thought that would allow some of the venting to escape, but I hadn’t really realized just how much acid I had put in the jar. Then I turned back down to the large canister of ethanol on the floor. I was about 4 feet away for this. I heard the jar hissing a bit, and I looked up and the chemical yellow was turning a rusty brown color with ominous yellow swirls coming up. I looked at it for a second, and actually got pretty scared as the hissing increased and I wondered if I had time to take the cap off. I started thinking it might release a lot of gas from that reaction and would that be dangerous?? I started to reach out with my left hand and took maybe a step towards it, but by then it really was sounding scary, so I started to turn away to my right. All this happened in about 5 seconds, probably. When the jar exploded, I had my left hand extended forward, my face turned down to my right, and my right arm up to start to shield my face. I had my safety glasses and metatarsals on, but not my earplugs or my lab coat.

(This was taken after the cabinet was moved. The brown stains are from the acid.)

"The actual explosion sounded like a huge potato gun, a big, deep bang. I didn’t even think about the glass, just was worried that there was acid on me. I have worked with dilute nitric before and been not concerned to get in on me if I washed it off right away, so that was my plan. I went to rinse off my hands and face in the sink under the hood, and I noticed that there were holes in my shirt, at which point I was afraid that the acid was eating through my shirt, and I had to use the shower. I really hated to because I knew it meant that this was really bad, but that’s what it’s for, so I’d better. I noticed a cut on my left ring finger and immediately pulled off my rings on both hands in case it swelled up. Then I was really not wanting to stand in the shower because my finger was bleeding but I figured a little blood on the floor was worth preventing acid burns. I washed off mostly my left side, and then noticed a lot of blood coming off my right side too, where my wrist had a deep cut on it. That’s when I called Kathy. I didn’t know how to stop the shower so I went back to the hood to try to keep the blood a little contained, but I couldn’t because I kept finding more cuts. That’s where Kathy and the medical team found me."

See? it's pretty scary. After they took me to Medical, one of the nurses at the plant that was doing first aid said "Ohhh, I can see collarbone!" which was when I really started to wig out and cry. Up until then, I was just confused, and dazed. But from that point on, I was crying and so very, very scared. Then, the ambulance got lost on the way to the hospital because it couldn't get over I-235 because of the construction, which was frustrating because - remember - I still had to pee!! Then they gave me IV fluids because of the blood loss, too, at which point I tried to realize some humor of the situation so I could stop being so scared. But, it was just awful. I am so glad I had a wonderful boss like Kathy to call, and that my husband and brother and sister-in-law were so fast in getting to the hospital to be with me. And really, it had a happy ending, for what could have happened. I know all this, and I keep hoping that having that perspective and getting some distance (both time and location) from the event would help. But it's still very vivid to me.

6-month checkup

Emily had her 6-month appointment with the doctor yesterday. She smiled at the nurses and doctor, and really thought that the ear-scope was a toy that she should get to play with. She was such a trooper after the shots - she screamed, of course, but she calmed right down in the arms of her dad, just like last time. She weighs just under 18 lbs now (80th percentile) and is 28" tall (95+ percentile). I am particularly glad she's not keeping on the 95th curve for weight, because I'm not that strong!! I sure hope she learns to walk before she's too heavy for me to carry her, or her world will certainly shrink. :) It's funny, though, how perspectives change. I remember when Emily was first born, my arms would just ache at the end of the day, and I wondered how I'd ever keep up with her weight gain. But I held a friend's newborn baby (who is no small fry at nearly 10 lbs!!) and I was so surprised how light he seemed. How far I've come in six months!

Emily is an excellent sitter now, and I no longer have to keep the boppy around her when she's playing on the floor. She tipped over backwards yesterday, and I came quickly to see if she was all right, but no worries! Even though she hit her head on the (carpeted) floor, she seemed most surprised that things had changed so quickly from vertical to horizontal. I guess it's good that she learns what falling is all about, and that she wasn't hurt at all by it. If she's as graceful as her mother, it'll be a lesson worth learning! I fully intend to spend some time in the next week doing some childproofing, cuz she'll take off crawling here in no time. Once she's strong enough to keep her butt up when she's on her tummy, my carefree days with an immobile child are over!

And in case you're wondering - green bean baby food looks about the same coming out as it does going in. I guess my days of relatively innocent diaper changes are over, too.

I'm going to talk with another manager today about an opportunity for a new position. I hope I like what the job might be, because I think they really need somebody and it'd be a convenient move for all involved. We'll see, I guess.

Green beans

I decided to take a break tonight from pumping milk for Emily's rice cereal, and instead I gave her her first taste of green beans. A few months ago, I read a study about babies eating peaches vs. green beans that said that a nasty face after her first taste of beans should not deter me from giving them to her again, and that the more she tastes it, the more she'll like it.

Each container of green beans has a single serving, though the info from my doctor about feeding solid foods said to start with just 1/4 that container. That's about the equivalent off a heaping tablespoon. That's all! There was so little that it took 7 seconds in the microwave to get it heated too hot - we had to wait while it cooled to a safe temperature. The entire container has 25 calories in it, so we're talking about trying to feed her 6 calories.

So the first few bites I don't think I even got anything in her mouth, because she'd just look down and keep her lips together. Then I got her to laugh and smile at me, and I grabbed my opportunity to throw a "big" spoonful in there. Oh, the face she made... I swear to you, she actually gagged! I found myself thinking, "I hope she doesn't throw up! What do I do if she throws up??" I guess that's reassurance that she probably swallowed that bite, but the rest of it, well:

Isn't that just the cutest bog monster you've ever seen??? And how did she manage to get 1 tablespoon of slime so well-distributed?? She made the gag-face several times (and granted, they're not the best tasting beans ever but they're pretty much on-par with canned green beans), but I think I'll try again tomorrow. My girl WILL eat vegetables!! Even if it's just green beans.

Check out her picasa website (link top-right) for shots from her 6-month photo session. There are some good ones, but I didn't pay for the CD of high-resolution pictures this time. I'm learning to be thrifty - even while forgetting my coupons at home (*sigh*).

Cousins, a wedding, and real food!

Emily has had a very big week!!

This Friday, my sister and her 3 girls came to my house to watch Emily while I went to work. Emily had so much fun that she hardly slept the entire day - after all, she had to keep up with those big kids! That evening, we went to a wedding rehearsal and dinner, so she had lots and lots of stimulation that day. Saturday morning she was really sleepy, only awake for an hour or so, up until we had to leave for the wedding. Travis was an usher and I played my violin for the ceremony, so we asked my parents (who were also at the wedding) to watch Emily. She was a very good girl through the service, and everyone around thought she was really bright-eyed and cute. I am just amazed and proud that she was so pleasant through all the lack of sleep and change in schedule and venue. And she LOVES her cousins. It's so fun to see her that excited! But after all the activity we are all very tired. The wedding was a great celebration of two close friends who are totally perfect for each other, so we'd been looking forward to this weekend for a long time. The groom choked up during the vows which was a first that I had seen but totally expected by those of us who know him well! They're so in love that it'd make me sick if I didn't adore them both so much! :) It was a really fun but exhausting past couple of days.

We also decided that since Thursday was Emily's official half-birthday, we should start feeding her solid foods. I had bought a box of rice cereal, as recommended, and so I mixed that with breastmilk the way I was supposed to. It's pretty funny that they call it solid foods, cuz I think it ends up being ricey-flavored milk - very runny. I've posted a few pictures, which are cute, but she wasn't that excited about it. She liked chewing on the spoon, and most of it dribbled out her mouth but I think she swallowed a fair amount of it. Tomorrow we'll see if she thinks it's any more interesting, or at least a familiar experience.

A breastfeeding story

This might be a long story, if I'm not careful, but I'll do my best to make it brief (and funny).

I had an appointment this morning to have my scars looked at again, both the one on my collarbone and on my left hand. they're from separate incidents at work (one quite dramatic and one very stupid), but since they're both covered under worker's comp, I figured I might as well have them medically minimized since I wouldn't have to pay for it. I had some laser treatments done on my collarbone scar more than a year ago, and they always took forever cuz they're always running behind and the gals running the front desk are so stupid. Same story today, I had to wait a FULL HOUR before I saw anybody, and it would've been more but I kept talking to the people at the front desk to keep Emily entertained. Finally I said something to them about how I didn't know how much longer I could keep her happy, and if they were going to make me wait until after lunch for a 10:30 appointment I'd come back another day with that scheduling in mind. Somehow, that got me in the door. Well, Emily was getting hungry by then, and I tried to tide her over with her thumb, but she really wanted to eat, and she was relaxed and comfortable enough that she actually would. I figured since I was in the appointment room, and there were boob job diagrams all over the walls, that it wouldn't be a big deal to feed her there. I should've tried feeding her an hour earlier because as soon as I hooked her up, the doctor came in to see me. Here's the best part: He then proceeds to comment how it's "interesting" that it's common in Europe to see women breastfeeding "in public" but not in the US. I said to him, well, I was alone in this room and there are pictures of boobs on all the walls so I didn't figure it was a big deal! I think he was trying to make small talk while Emily finished her meal, but I really just wanted him to just look at my scars so I could leave. I think he'll be able to make the one on my collarbone look not as wide, which will be nice. So as he's leaving, Emily is happily making faces at the nurse, and he says he likes it when people bring their kids, but most people don't. I wanted to say "Maybe it's because they can't entertain them for an hour by looking at advertisements for Botox in the waiting room!!" But that time I held my tongue, accepted the compliments of how cute Emily is, and left. *sigh* what a waste of a morning.

The hangout

So I've found where SAHM's and part-timers like me hang out during the day: Target! I was there this morning with Emily, and I fit right in with all the other shoppers. It makes sense, of course, that those are the people that have the opportunity to shop on a Thursday morning. Plus, kids are easier to take out in public in the morning, and there's not so many other people out at that time, too. It was weird, though, seeing everybody with a shopping cart and kids piled in, on, and around them. Reminded me of those pictures you see of people in 3rd world countries on public transportation.

I have been trying to do some physical activity every day for the past few weeks, whether it's a few minutes on my bike downstairs or a walk outside with Emily. But this week I'm hitting a big fat zero. I have so much to do!! I'm going up to my parents house this weekend, and next weekend my sister's family will be at my house. There's lots to get ready for the infamous Johannsen stuff-exchange that Travis thinks is so bizarre - my mom and sister and I tend to have lots of things that the others might or do need. But anyway, my fitness aspirations have plateaued. My motivation is gone, cuz I really do look just fine for now, and aside from the huge boobs I'm pretty much back to my pre-pregnancy size, just squishier in general. And if I we're considering having another kid in a year or so, well, what's the point? Can anybody offer me some inspiration?

It's the dreariest day today. It's been raining since about 10:30 today, and now it's thundering and hailing? freezing rain? soemthing more substantial in size is falling from the sky, anyway. I've got all the lights on in the house that we normally have on during the evening - it's so weird. On the plus side, it sure was easy to convince Emily to take a nap in her dark room with the soothing rain on the roof!