the new normal

Hi everyone.

So I've finally started my new job, and I think it's going to be good. I have had nothing but positive interactions with the people there, and although the actual tasks that I'll be doing aren't that exciting, I think it'll be the kind of thing that is a bit of challenge but also have an opportunity to show that I can do it well. Best of all: I'm free from Tom!! I'm still simmering down - it makes me so angry to think about him - but there's nothing to do now except be happy I escaped. You might be interested to know that his action of adding the responsibility for another production line to my job actually violated federal law. FMLA says you can't significantly change a person's job while she's on medical leave, and that's exactly what he did. He only got away with it because I am not still in that job (I guess the law only protects you if you can't escape by other means, which I did), but if I had wanted to come back to that job full-time I could be suing Deere now. Interesting, huh??

Emily is doing pretty well with daycare. She's a little crankier for a while after she comes home, but she isn't totally stressed or unmanageable, either here or at daycare. She's eating my pre-pumped meals from a bottle just fine, and starting to be a little more comfortable with all the noise, according to Amanda. I've gotta say that I feel really good about Emily being there. We are going to be just fine in that respect. In fact, while Travis was gone in Madison all last week, it was kinda nice to have a break from Emily for a couple of hours, since I was on full-duty at home.

We had a crazy day yesterday, being social, but it was lots of fun. I got to see people that I hadn't seen for a long time, and it was really fun. Also stopped in and saw my grandparents in Ames, and Travis's parents were in town too. I hit a wall at about 10:00 and just couldn't be social any more, so we came home from a gathering a bit early. It was weird, I wasn't mad about anything, really, but when Emily had trouble unwinding I realized I was just completely out of gas and couldn't stop sobbing. But it was easier letting it go, knowing that Travis was totally supportive and there wasn't anything really wrong, I was just exhausted. Emily has been asleep for 2 hours this afternoon already, and I slept for almost an hour and a half of that. I feel human again!

I updated her picasa pictures again. There are pictures from her 3-month sitting at Sears. The pictures are pretty good, although they would've been better if Emily would've taken a nap beforehand like she should have!! I thought she did pretty well to get the smiles out, considering how tired she was. Anyway - enjoy!

Time to brag

This entry will only hold things about how wonderful my daughter is, because I'm sure you're all tired of listening to me gripe about work. Okay - two sentences: My last day in my old job is Jan 14, and I get an exit interview there where I will not be shy about telling them how awful a manager Tom is. He did not hold back in his criticisms of me in my performance review, which he was clear in telling me is only his opinion and not based in any fact or evidence of my accomplishments this year. *sigh*. That is all.

Emily surprised me today, and I'm afraid I'll look like a careless mother by telling you all this but I didn't think it would be a problem at the time. I had her propped up, sitting leaning on some pillows on my bed while I emptied the trash in my room and straightened up a few things. (She likes to look around while I talk to her.) She managed to lean forward and roll to the side, so when I looked up she was on her tummy on the bed!! The weirdest part is that she generally doesn't like tummy time so much, and you'd think she'd have been surprised or upset that she had fallen forward like that, but she didn't make a peep when it happened. I am glad I had her in the middle of the bed and not on the edge or she might've tumbled off. Creeps me out to think about that!

Emily loves the piano. She fell asleep in my lap one day while I played with one hand, so the next day I put her in my front carrier (which she loves, for this or for just walking around the house). She faces forward and puts one hand on each of my arms, and just watches me play. I can see her reflection in the gloss of the piano, and she is so concentrated on my hands, watching the black and white keys or the black and white music. I love it!

She had her first day at daycare yesterday. Our provider's name is Amanda, and she has a little girl named Emma and a boy named Brady, and she is wonderful. It was a little unnerving when I dropped her off, because Amanda's youngest was crying and sick with a cough, and things were pretty crazy and hectic. But as I was driving to work I realized that she was not at all ruffled in that situation, which is great because Emily really responds to stress. Amanda wrote down everything that went on that afternoon - she was only there 5 hours and she filled a whole notebook page! I feel really relieved that everything went all right yesterday. We are so lucky to have found her.

We think that Emily is starting to figure out her hands. She has a few toys where she can sit and look at things dangling above her, so when she swings her hands she can touch them. It seems like now she is looking at where she's hitting, not all the time but more so than before. There's a rattle in particular that she likes to swat at. It's pretty entertaining - for both of us. :)

Ahh, I should get back to being busy now. Emily is just the most amazing little girl. She doesn't cuddle much, unless it's 3 AM and she's drifting off after a snack and a change, but she likes to sit and smile and talk with me or her dad. And if we keep her out of stressful situations, she's only fussy if she needs something. We discovered the hard way that she can get really overstimulated easily, and cry frantically and inconsolably, but I don't think she's done that for more than an hour and I know there are far more difficult babies to deal with. Plus we are learning how to keep her from getting too wound up, and I think spending time with the older kids at Amanda's will help a bit too.

As always, keep checking our picasa site for new pictures! She just gets cuter and cuter!!

First day of school

Okay, my summer vacation is over, and I'm officially back to work now. And not in that pretend way that I was back to work after one day at the plant in order to receive pay for Christmas - very social and not at all productive! I went to my new job yesterday, even though nobody was ready for me and about all I got out of it was an overwhelming tour and meeting lots of people that I'll have to be reintroduced to. But it appears I will have to go back to the plant for a while. Since HR didn't get my transfer done before Jan 1, it won't take place until Jan 15. That means that Des Moines Works is paying my salary, and because of that, tom thinks I should work there until then. (It's as if he thinks he can get his money's worth of work out of me! Ha!) He also thinks I can work all day of the 14th and 15th while the other metallurgist is out of town, and I only have childcare available for the afternoon of the 14th. My new manager and he went around in circles with this a few times yesterday, and each time Joel would come back and tell me what Tom said. By the end, he seemed to be catching on that Tom was just in a power play for my time so he wouldn't look bad for having a department who is fleeing his management. (Another environmental engineer resigned yesterday, so that makes 3 out of 7 people under Tom's management who have left since his arrival. Maybe we all respond poorly to new management...). Joel said he told Tom that I didn't have childcare for the 14th and 15th, and Tom said he would talk to me today about it. As if he can convince me to magically make it work. Ridiculous.

Anyway, I really liked my new workplace and I think I will like my temporary assignment, especially since it's temporary. Joel wants me to spend about 1/4 of my time looking at other areas to see where I could transition to at the end of April. Very cool! Everybody was friendly and I liked the atmosphere of the place. Travis had a nice afternoon with Emily, and my mom is coming today to watch her this afternoon and tomorrow afternoon. We start childcare with Amanda on Jan 7, although I think we will spend a bit of time with her tomorrow morning just to get a feel for the place in action, and to give Emily a little taste of it (although I can't say how much she'll remember). We'll see how I feel about being away from Emily when she is neither at home nor with Travis or me.

I had a dream last night that I left Emily in the car, thinking that Travis had her. When she didn't, and I realized she was in the car, I ran out to find her and the car doors were open and her carseat was unattached. It was as if I had gotten there just before someone had made off with her. It was horrible. I had this dream after Travis left in the morning, so in actuality Emily was right next to me in bed. I was so happy to wake up and see her little sleeping face.

Tonight is Iowa's caucus, so Emily is wearing her onesie that says "I already know more than the president." Excellent. :)

Christmas

Hope you all had a merry Christmas. I just mailed the Christmas cards today, so be patient, yours is coming.

We spent just over two days - Christmas Eve day and Christmas - at Travis's parents place in Barnum. It was a really hard visit, actually, since Emily was so easily overwhelmed and I had a hard time sharing her. The second night, she was awake every other hour pretending to want to eat but then screaming instead of eating, so I was really tired on Christmas. She had so much milk on her that her whole face and neck was sticky by the time we came home last night. Her head was sticky, too, but that was from cow's milk. She was sitting on my lap when I tried to take a drink, and just as I started to tip the glass, she sneezed. Now, you have to remember that when she sneezes, she throws her arms up over her head and pulls forward, so she got her little hand behind my glass and then yanked it forward. There was milk everywhere. So as I was trying to mop up the milk, she somehow got her hand on my glasses and pulled them off my face!! It's okay - you can laugh, and if it had happened to anybody else I would've laughed too, but I was too tired to put up with being laughed at, and I just about lost it. I kept it together until I went to change my clothes, but you all know how well I hide emotions, so although I didn't say anything I'm sure they all knew I was pissed. I wasn't mad at Emily - she doesn't know those are her hands, and it wasn't her fault she sneezed at that moment. But I was mad that I got laughed at. I hate thinking about what a terrible parent I must look like by appearing to get mad at my infant. It wasn't her - it was the incredible lack of sympathy. I hate wearing my glasses but I can't wear my contacts anymore because they don't correct my astigmatism which has gotten worse since Emily was born. It's so frustrating. And I felt like I was being thrown one thing after another and doing my best to deal with it, but as soon as I had a glaring failure, everyone laughs. It sucked. But it really was a nice Christmas in Barnum, if you discount all of my own personal issues.

So my poor girl had a really hard time with all that excitement. It seemed like I would just get her calmed down, fed, changed, and happy, and someone would want to hold her or play with her. By the time she came back to me she was screaming, poopy, and too wound up to eat even though she was hungry. My mom says I was just the same way, which is nice because I have a little help from her knowing how to help deal with it, especially when we visit Rockford, but hard because I know hard it is to be that overwhelmed little girl. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, especially not someone who is as special to me as Emily. I wish she didn't have to start from scratch on the issues that I've spent my life trying to deal with - sensitivity, insecurity, etc.

Friday we go to Rockford for Johannsen Christmas, which will be fun with the gift opening that night. The next day, though, extended family descends upon my parents' relatively small house, and it's bound to be chaos. Don't get me wrong, it'll be fun to see everybody and it's really special that all of us can be together in the same place, but I'm dreading how hard it will be on Emily. I guess I'll stay in a back bedroom while she's awake and visit with people while she sleeps, and try to keep her in as quiet of surroundings as possible. I guess we're not really all together if I'm hiding in a back room, but I'm going to try to do better at "protecting" her and putting her first this time.

Okay, my daughter needs me. Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.

What a rollercoaster!!

Okay, so I have finally worked something out part-time with Deere, but it's not at all what I expected it would be. In my frustration, I sent an email to another Deere unit in the Des Moines area called Intelligent Vehicle Systems, where they make the satellite navigation systems for other Deere products. The opening they had was for a gal (Molly) who is going on maternity leave in February who also works part-time (this is her 2nd kid). They were thinking that January could be a good time for us to overlap, and I could pick up the ropes to work for her until she comes back in April. Her job is to analyze warranty data, so she works a lot with QE's, supply management, and test engineers. The position is actually within the Product Verification and Validation group (PV&V). In working with those other groups, by April I should know where I might fit into the organization with another part-time position so Molly would have her job back when she returns. The manager of the PV&V group that I spoke with was very supportive of young moms working part-time, and sang the song about how if Deere wants to stay competitive and diverse they'd better get with it and make things flexible for their employees, and the plant is making a big mistake to not do that. I was SO happy to hear that! And the last great thing about this position is that in a few months, it's totally open for me to decide that it isn't working, and instead of transitioning to a new department I could quit without feeling like I was abandoning someone who went out on a limb for me to get a part-time position. Or I could continue.

So just when I thought I was getting this figured out, I called the childcare provider that we had liked the best (also named Molly, ironically) to tel her I'd like to spend some time at her house today or tomorrow (since that's all I have left of maternity leave - how fast it went!!!). She said she had determined her part-time rates, and that they are $10 less than her regular full-time weekly rate. Because that doesn't seem like a good deal, we've started from scratch on the daycare search. I talked to Molly again this morning that I was still looking, but in a pinch I hoped she could be my provider because I did feel really good about leaving Emily with her. Basically the discussion didn't go well, not because she isn't a really sweet person but because she's trying to defend her business against people who take as much as she can give her. It was awful for me to realize that I was being that person, because being a musician I can totally understand that people will take as much as you will give - and then think you charge too much. So I don't know if it's going to work out with this Molly.

It's so frustrating. Just when childcare looked promising, the job wasn't working out. Now that the job is working out, the childcare isn't!! I wonder if it's even worth it, except I really did have a good feeling about starting at AMS. But then there's moments like this morning, where Emily stopped nursing just as my milk let down to look up and smile at me. There was milk running everywhere - dribbling out her mouth, all over her face, down my arm and my side - and I didn't care one bit because my beautiful little girl was smiling at me.

And so the saga continues. What a mess.

More frustration

My work/not work decision has come down to whether Deere can offer me part-time work or not. After all the hard thought and careful planning I had put into my decision to go back to work part-time, I thought I would feel glad to leave the final say in someone else's hands, just so the pressure was off. But now that that's coming about, I'm afraid I'll wish I had more say.

I went in to work today, just to show Emily off to people. It was fun to see everyone again, and especially fun to have them say how beautiful my baby is (who wouldn't enjoy that??). Long story short, I won't be able to work part-time at the plant. The policy says that they will promote part-time work and encourage managers to help employees in that situation, but they also have concretely fixed headcount numbers. This means that in order to work part-time, a manager needs to either split one full-time job between two people or reduce the position to part-time, essentially forfeiting half a person. No manager in their right mind would forfeit half a person worth of manpower, and they sure wouldn't want the hassle of dealing with two part-time people instead of one full-time. So of course all the managers said no. One of those managers that was contacted told me today that he was initially excited about finding a part-time spot for me, said he had a quantity of work that would be a good fit for me and for the organization, but he was told from higher-up that he couldn't add half a position. It's ridiculous, since now that work will just be forced onto other unhappy and overworked full-time employees, who will probably also consider finding new employment. When will Deere get the picture that it's not the middle of the farm crisis anymore?!?! People can find other good jobs now, and they're not promised a fat pension upon retirement, so why be loyal to Deere? By not offering part-time work or onsite daycare or onsite workout facilities or actual health insurance (instead of "health care plan" bullshit), they're going to lose out to companies that do offer them. Deere is screwing over their youngest generation of employees by not having HR policies for the 21st century, and in doing so they're just screwing themselves.

*sigh* but I guess that doesn't matter so much to me anymore.

I will be so relieved to have the decision made, and if I stay home I can't wait to be looking forward to getting in a routine with Emily and jumping wholeheartedly into my new career. The part really is killing me is that I am not worth the effort for Deere Des Moines to keep. I'm highly educated, motivated, and I'm really good at my job!!! I'm good at being a QE, and I'm a good metallurgist. But not I'm worth the effort to keep. I'm trying not to take it personally, since I seem to be a victim of ridiculously backwards policy, but it's hard, since it seems to have so much to do with what people are willing to do for me.

There are two things left to check. I have an awesome contact at corporate who actually does think I'm worth keeping, and she is going to see if I can do corporate labwork on a part-time basis from the lab at Des Moines (at which point my self-confidence begins to rebound. ahh...) I would be able to work in the lab, doing what I like best, and NOT have to deal with Tom or any other production-related crap that comes along. That's a big maybe, but at least it's a good option. There's also another unit in Urbandale that works with satellite navigation for agricultural equipment, and they seem to be one of the more forward-thinking units in the enterprise. I have emailed their HR dept to see if they can do anything for me, which would probably just be plain old quality engineering work. Either way, I will not be going back to work for Tom. It would be just plain unhealthy for me and Emily.

And since this should be a blog about her, I'll add a bit about what she can do now. On her picture website (see link at right) there are pictures and video of her holding her head up, which she can do for several minutes if she's put down on the floor while already looking up. So cute! But then she gets really mad, which is not quite as cute. :) Right now, she is cooing at her fish-gym on the floor, so I'm going to go play with her. She is so fun to play with, making sounds and faces. At least nobody can take my favorite job away from me!!

Milestone

I guess if it was a milestone going up, it's a milestone coming down. 150 lbs!! yay! and without really trying - unless you count limiting dessert to one helping "trying."

And, Emily really doesn't have any kneecaps. I've always wondered if that was true about babies, and it is! She does have lusciously fat legs though. :)