I have so much to catch up on that this may end up in several installments. Each of my kids deserves her own post, as does Poppo. I have a lot of things in my heart that I want to write about him, because even though he's gone and really only Emily might remember him, I want my girls to be able to know who he was, and who he was to me. So I'd better get crackin!
I think I will start with Emily, though, as convention says I must begin with my firstborn. :)
The start of school has been interesting, and mostly good, I think. On the first day, Emily identified one boy who had given her trouble on the playground last year during preschool. He wasn't in her class last year but all the classes were mixed together for recess, and she was very disappointed to see Wyatt in her Kindergarten class. I had a chance to ask the teacher about him, and she said he's not a bully, he's just not nearly as mature as most kids in the class, and certainly not at all in Emily's league. He doesn't know what to do so he pushes and fights -- and even requires his own teacher's aid at all times! (There's a good investment of public resources... ugh.) There are a few other kids who annoy her, too, which is disappointing but not a big deal. For now I think she's just appalled that any kid can seriously not figure out how to behave. Also, there are 15 boys and 6 girls in the class!!! Yikes!!! Emily brought home her class book that each kid prepared a page for, so the families can learn about the other classmates. Most of the girls did all their own writing, and Emily did but hers was not the most practiced and legible (but she worked hard and was happy with it - awesome!). She mostly enjoyed cutting and gluing pictures for her own page, and decorating it. A few of the boys did their own writing for some or all of it, but most had the parent's handwriting on all of it, and clearly their scrapbooking mothers did the decorative page. And even at that, there were misspellings ("Curies Goerge"?? really?) and other questions answered incorrectly. I mean, if parents can't even do their kids' kindergarten homework for them, wow... So yeah, my concern about Emily having to deal with other people has been realized, but she seems to be handling it all right. Better than me, probably! I am much more up-beat about it with her, offering suggestions for how she might handle things that bother her, and supporting her for who she is, without all the negativity that I spew forth here! But I think she can tell that most other people suck, too, and just hasn't put words to that inclination yet. She does adore a few other girls in the class, and there's a couple little boys that she said usually get their Happy Points too.
Ahh, Happy Points. Where to begin with the joys of Happy Points??? There are THREE separate behavior-focused programs in her classroom. THREE!!! There is the school-wide system - PBIS - that gives out "Dragon Tracks" for times that teachers notice kids doing something responsible, kind, or safe. There are the Six Pillars of Responsibility that is drilled into the kids all the time, also schoolwide. And the most complicated and confusing, Happy Points. In her classroom, she gets to put her "stick" into the bucket with a "1" on it at the beginning of every day, and if three warnings aren't enough to get her acting right, she has to move her stick to the "2" bucket. Three warnings later, the stick gets moved to the "3" bucket and the parents are contacted, kid sent to principal, all that good stuff. I forget at what point she loses her Happy Point, because it's only happened to Emily once. She was in the lunchline, and I guess another kid was bothering her with his lunchbox and she retaliated by smacking him over the head with hers. (Yeah! Go Emily!!) So she lost her Happy Point for the day and was devastated. They have a sticker chart of their points, so Emmie still got her point that day and, this is the hardest part for Emily, has remained one point ahead. Not only is there a competitive aspect to the Happy Points, with the charting, but after you get so many, then you get a treat out of the treat bucket. Honestly, with all this rewarding going on, and emphasis on being nice and good, when are they doing any learning? Any free play? Any friendly interactions and social problem-solving? These are the reasons I'm sending her to school - my kid has already learned how to behave!!! And if her classroom is full of rowdy boys, why are they trying to get them to sit still and act like girls? The girls are annoyed with the boys, and the boys are getting shortchanged, too! THIS IS SO STUPID.
At Parents' Night, her teacher told us that these kids come in with a huge discrepancy of backgrounds. Some have been to developmental Kindergarten and/or preschool, or years of structured daycare, and then some come from homes without any native English-speakers or have never experienced so much as a story-time at a library. She's gotta get them all to the point where they can just BE in a classroom together, and come to a more consistent level of capabilities. That sounds fine, I guess, except that what I'm hearing is that they've gotta work on catching up the other kids a lot harder than they do on advancing my kid. I mean, mathematically, you can't end up with a less varied result at the end of the year if every data point moves equally. So, my kid is already marking time because these other kids aren't prepared. And with this emphasis on BEHAVIOR starting the school year, my poor kid is sitting in her chair wondering just how good she has to be before they'll get on with it and teach her to read (she actually said that - "They aren't teaching me to read yet" *sigh*). She had a little breakdown one night, and it was just heartbreaking because she was still lamenting being one point behind Emmie in the Happy Point chart. She's trying to be extra good at what matters most - we can chart behavior but we can't chart anything that really matters or someone might feel bad... !!! - and she knows she may never catch up no matter how hard she tries. So I just held her while she cried and told her I didn't care if she ever earned another Happy Point ever again, as long as she was happy herself. I told her I wanted her to make friends and be excited about learning, and to find things she likes at school because there will be things she doesn't like (*ahem* Wyatt!!). I told her that she couldn't be "extra good" and it would rub off on other kids - they're going to do what they want, and she can't make them stop causing trouble, she can only take care of herself. I am so, so disappointed that this has been the defining moment in her education thus far. Travis talked with her too, and he was so kind and encouraging. Things have been better since then, since I think the class has settled down and they've gotten on with actually doing things now. But it was so hard to watch Emily struggle through this, with her good sweet conscience.
One bright spot, or at least potentially bright spot, is the Word Ring. She has a keyring with index-cards strung on it, each one with a lower-case sight word (it, like, the, see, said, etc.) that she is supposed to keep at home until she's ready for more. Then she takes it back to school and the teacher adds 5 more words. After 3 days of this we've got 15 words, and the coolest thing has been that Emily is teaching them to Audrey. It's a great way to incentivize Emily to take more than one look at them (she's generally got them on the first time through), because everyone learns best by teaching!! And Audrey gets the thrill of learning something from Emily, while Emily gets to have the upper hand as the "teacher." It's adorable to see them working together, and for now it's a very happy arrangement. I don't figure that this is what Mrs. Salmon had in mind but it's working great for us!
Our parent/teacher conferences aren't until the second week of November, and even then they are only 15 minutes. I can't imagine it will be sufficient, but oh well. A lot can change between now and then, and I can hope that there is a lot going on in the classroom that Emily doesn't tell me about. She seems to love the extras - music, PE, art, and library - and I would imagine that there's a lot within the classroom that she does and never tells me about, too. That initial behavior hurdle is certainly something, though. Wow.
Outside of school, we have slowed down on the piano lessons because it is hard to find a time to do it when her sisters can be otherwise-occupied, and it's not the very end of the day when her little brain is really too fried to learn much. But she is started to enjoy actually playing songs, not just picking out notes and counting to 4 over and over. A few weeks ago she played something that I recognized as I listened from another room, and she was SO thrilled! it was like she had discovered a way to send a secret message. It was just the little boost she needed to feel like she can sit down and practice without me helping - like ditching the training wheels. So now we can do piano lessons that are actually lessons, and she can actually practice, and play however she likes. I want to be sure that she has that freedom, because that's the very best part about making music, is making it YOURS. I will NOT breathe down her neck. The worst thing I can do is crush something so precious before it's even had time to form!
Emily played a very special role last weekend during Poppo's funeral, without her even realizing it, I think. Travis and I were pallbearers, and we had intended for all 3 girls to stick with his parents while we were exiting the church. But Emily somehow ended up behind the casket but in front of anyone else, and she quietly, soberly walked along in the processional. Mommo noticed and thought it was the sweetest thing to have one lone child in that position, considering how much of Poppo's life he had dedicated to children and just how special the children in his life were to him. And that Emily took her job as "littlest pallbearer" (Mommo's words) so seriously, it really was very meaningful. Who knows, she may have just been in the wrong place and didn't know what to do with so much overwhelming emotion around her so she just kept walking. Either way, it was very, very special to all of us, and Mommo especially.
After we got home that night and Emily was tucked into bed, the finality of everything hit her and she cried and cried. She basically was saying, "that's it? That's all I get to know of Poppo??" And considering her short little 5+ years, it really wasn't much time! I thought we had been visiting them quite often, but in retrospect it wasn't nearly what we could have done. It seemed like they would both live forever... which is just my denial, really, because of course I noticed that Poppo was much slower and more frail, and more likely to fall asleep in his chair. I just thought... same has Emily thought, that there'd be just a little more time. So, I called Mommo that night, and Emily talked to her for just a little bit, just to be reassured that at least we still have her. And then my mom talked to her, and reassured her but also distracted her from the enormous, mature thoughts that were keeping her up. It's been hard to see each generation grieving, and even harder to figure out how I'm handling it all... but that's for another posting.
So, Emily turns 6 next week. What a beautiful little lady she is turning out to be!
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
School Night
Tonight is our family's first school night. Emily starts Kindergarten tomorrow!!
I am apologetic that my only post this summer was about Clara's output, but that has really been a big part of our lives since I've figured it out. For the past month, she's been gluten free, and I've discovered just what she can't have. I've cut out ALL onions, tomatoes, sweet potatoes, apples, grapes, noodles, bread, and bunches of other things that she likes to eat and are easy to just throw at her. I've been cooking largely gluten-free and fructose-free dinners for the whole family, but since that's difficult, and I don't want to cut out vegetables that Emily and Audrey like, then I end up cooking nearly two full meals most nights. It's exhausting and requires a lot of planning, but Clara seems to be digesting her food better. I hope it means she's absorbing iron better, and maybe even growing more!
Emily got to meet her teacher today. Her name is Mrs. Salmon (sounds more like Solomon than the fish), and Emily was quite shy upon meeting her. We assured her that Emily would open up and rule the place once she had her bearings. I think Emily is pretty intimidated, but she'll catch on soon that it's absolutely something she can handle. Travis and I are staying home tomorrow morning until she gets on the bus at 8:20, and then I'm going to work and Travis is taking Audrey out for breakfast - to McDonald's, to get anything she wants! Then he'll bring her back home to Clara and Amanda, and finish the day at work. Then, I pick up Emily at school at 3:35, through the zoo of first-day parent-pick-up (bracing myself for its awfulness), and then Emily will collapse in a heap of exhaustion, I would imagine!
It's crazy to think that I started this blog way back before I even knew who she was. And now she's a schoolkid. She's a great kid, too. I was supposed to write down a few things about her so the teacher could get to know her, and it was hard to know where to start. I mean, this summer has been huge for Emily. She lost her first tooth, and is very close to losing the next one. She learned to ride a bike without training wheels. She gave up sucking her thumb by her own choice! She chose a thumb-guard from several options that I showed her on the computer, and then has worn every night for a month. She started taking piano lessons. She's picking out more and more words that she's obviously reading. So starting school is no big deal, in some respects - she is absolutely ready. But still, it's a matter of doing it, and while I'm not worried in the least bit, I'm a little sad and a little nervous for her. Now I'm sending her off into the big world to be around other people. Other people who don't KNOW her like I do! What if someone picks on her for absent-mindedly putting things in her mouth? What if someone thinks she's a dork for speaking like such an adult? What if a teacher thinks she's a problem when she absolutely cannot stop herself from some compulsion she has to finish what she intends to do? What if she is unhappy? At home, she is perfect in herself. In the world, she gets to be compared to people. And really, what's the point of that?
Audrey gets to meet her teacher on Friday, and I think she hasn't really comprehended yet that she'll get to go to her own school. Next week, Emily goes to school every day, and I think Audrey will then decide that it's time for her own activities. We've signed her up for two days a week, so it's a pretty small exposure, but I want her to have her own school experience that's appropriate for her, just so she doesn't feel left home like a little baby. Honestly, she can pick out words nearly as well as Emily does, and I think she's an even better counter - she can count 12 randomly-arranged objects and never mistake whether she's already counted each thing. I love hearing her perfect speech ("Mom, bring that over here so I can see it closely!"). Of course, many things about her are totally age-appropriate (Emily loves to listen to me read chapter books, but Audrey doesn't have the attention span for that; same with piano). But there are some things that I want to have people with experience in childhood education see first-hand, so they're ready for her as she gets into the school system. I'm blind-siding them with Emily, because she'll blossom in a breadth of ways that I can't even predict yet, but when they get to Audrey, they'd better be ready to have her reading with higher grade-levels, and other things like that. These kids are amazing!
Which brings me to Clara, who is more than just a food processor, of course. :) She is getting SO much personality now!! She's hilarious! She understands everything we say to her, and she's a total mama's girl, still! She knows that when people are putting shoes on, she should go get hers, and she'll deliver shoes to people who don't have theirs on yet - even for guests!! She got my sister's shoes for her the other day! So cute. Travis taught her to sign "more," and it is so sweet to see her slamming her hands together requesting more food. (It is also heartbreaking when she's watching her sisters eat grapes or peaches or something else I can't give her, and she's disappointed with strawberries again...) I suppose I should be working with her to get more words she can say, but it hasn't been her focus this summer. Maybe when it's quieter without Emily around she'll want to say more? She has been taking better naps now, sometimes as long as 3 hours!! And she loves books. She even knows which ones that Audrey knows how to sing (Teddy Bear, Baby Beluga) and will take them over to Audrey for her to sing. We have an easy, fun bedtime routine that we both look forward to and enjoy. I get a little sad every night that I finally put her into her crib, all snuggled and dozing and adorable. She just gets bigger and bigger!! They all do! I picked up Emily to show her the days on the calendar, and she flat-out told me not to pick her up anymore - she's too big!! I was hugging Audrey before bathtime tonight, and she is losing her lanky, bird-like build, in favor of a stronger, more solid frame, that is fortunately more coordinated than she has been before. She's a graceful little runner now, less likely to walk into walls or trip over nothing.
So even though I still vividly remember carrying her into this house for the first time, in the carseat all 9 lbs tiny, tomorrow I'll watch Emily go off on the bus... That went fast...
I am apologetic that my only post this summer was about Clara's output, but that has really been a big part of our lives since I've figured it out. For the past month, she's been gluten free, and I've discovered just what she can't have. I've cut out ALL onions, tomatoes, sweet potatoes, apples, grapes, noodles, bread, and bunches of other things that she likes to eat and are easy to just throw at her. I've been cooking largely gluten-free and fructose-free dinners for the whole family, but since that's difficult, and I don't want to cut out vegetables that Emily and Audrey like, then I end up cooking nearly two full meals most nights. It's exhausting and requires a lot of planning, but Clara seems to be digesting her food better. I hope it means she's absorbing iron better, and maybe even growing more!
Emily got to meet her teacher today. Her name is Mrs. Salmon (sounds more like Solomon than the fish), and Emily was quite shy upon meeting her. We assured her that Emily would open up and rule the place once she had her bearings. I think Emily is pretty intimidated, but she'll catch on soon that it's absolutely something she can handle. Travis and I are staying home tomorrow morning until she gets on the bus at 8:20, and then I'm going to work and Travis is taking Audrey out for breakfast - to McDonald's, to get anything she wants! Then he'll bring her back home to Clara and Amanda, and finish the day at work. Then, I pick up Emily at school at 3:35, through the zoo of first-day parent-pick-up (bracing myself for its awfulness), and then Emily will collapse in a heap of exhaustion, I would imagine!
It's crazy to think that I started this blog way back before I even knew who she was. And now she's a schoolkid. She's a great kid, too. I was supposed to write down a few things about her so the teacher could get to know her, and it was hard to know where to start. I mean, this summer has been huge for Emily. She lost her first tooth, and is very close to losing the next one. She learned to ride a bike without training wheels. She gave up sucking her thumb by her own choice! She chose a thumb-guard from several options that I showed her on the computer, and then has worn every night for a month. She started taking piano lessons. She's picking out more and more words that she's obviously reading. So starting school is no big deal, in some respects - she is absolutely ready. But still, it's a matter of doing it, and while I'm not worried in the least bit, I'm a little sad and a little nervous for her. Now I'm sending her off into the big world to be around other people. Other people who don't KNOW her like I do! What if someone picks on her for absent-mindedly putting things in her mouth? What if someone thinks she's a dork for speaking like such an adult? What if a teacher thinks she's a problem when she absolutely cannot stop herself from some compulsion she has to finish what she intends to do? What if she is unhappy? At home, she is perfect in herself. In the world, she gets to be compared to people. And really, what's the point of that?
Audrey gets to meet her teacher on Friday, and I think she hasn't really comprehended yet that she'll get to go to her own school. Next week, Emily goes to school every day, and I think Audrey will then decide that it's time for her own activities. We've signed her up for two days a week, so it's a pretty small exposure, but I want her to have her own school experience that's appropriate for her, just so she doesn't feel left home like a little baby. Honestly, she can pick out words nearly as well as Emily does, and I think she's an even better counter - she can count 12 randomly-arranged objects and never mistake whether she's already counted each thing. I love hearing her perfect speech ("Mom, bring that over here so I can see it closely!"). Of course, many things about her are totally age-appropriate (Emily loves to listen to me read chapter books, but Audrey doesn't have the attention span for that; same with piano). But there are some things that I want to have people with experience in childhood education see first-hand, so they're ready for her as she gets into the school system. I'm blind-siding them with Emily, because she'll blossom in a breadth of ways that I can't even predict yet, but when they get to Audrey, they'd better be ready to have her reading with higher grade-levels, and other things like that. These kids are amazing!
Which brings me to Clara, who is more than just a food processor, of course. :) She is getting SO much personality now!! She's hilarious! She understands everything we say to her, and she's a total mama's girl, still! She knows that when people are putting shoes on, she should go get hers, and she'll deliver shoes to people who don't have theirs on yet - even for guests!! She got my sister's shoes for her the other day! So cute. Travis taught her to sign "more," and it is so sweet to see her slamming her hands together requesting more food. (It is also heartbreaking when she's watching her sisters eat grapes or peaches or something else I can't give her, and she's disappointed with strawberries again...) I suppose I should be working with her to get more words she can say, but it hasn't been her focus this summer. Maybe when it's quieter without Emily around she'll want to say more? She has been taking better naps now, sometimes as long as 3 hours!! And she loves books. She even knows which ones that Audrey knows how to sing (Teddy Bear, Baby Beluga) and will take them over to Audrey for her to sing. We have an easy, fun bedtime routine that we both look forward to and enjoy. I get a little sad every night that I finally put her into her crib, all snuggled and dozing and adorable. She just gets bigger and bigger!! They all do! I picked up Emily to show her the days on the calendar, and she flat-out told me not to pick her up anymore - she's too big!! I was hugging Audrey before bathtime tonight, and she is losing her lanky, bird-like build, in favor of a stronger, more solid frame, that is fortunately more coordinated than she has been before. She's a graceful little runner now, less likely to walk into walls or trip over nothing.
So even though I still vividly remember carrying her into this house for the first time, in the carseat all 9 lbs tiny, tomorrow I'll watch Emily go off on the bus... That went fast...
Monday, July 15, 2013
Fructose Malabsorption
After years of trying to decipher what causes my daughters' tremendous pooping abilities, and I may have started to figure it out. I wrote to the person who wrote a book about potty training (I was on a forum that she mediated back when Audrey was PTing) and told her what I had learned, and she asked me to write a guest post to her blog about it. So I'm going to practice here, and you will learn what I've been up to!
It seems like the latest "fad" that everybody is allergic or sensitive to some kind of food or another. I've always been thankful that my three daughters (5, 3, and 13 months) have had no dietary restrictions, other than the self-inflicted kind! I am proud to say that I exclusively breastfed my babies for a full year, and never had to use a drop of formula. I am a really good cook, having learned from my mother how to make things from scratch and from Rachael Ray how to do it fast, and we generally eat pretty tasty food around here. I didn't think my cooking style needed any adjustment until my middle daughter, Audrey, was potty training, and she couldn't master pooping in the potty because she had no control of her movements. It was insanely frustrating. I had already gone through a less-severe version with my first daughter Emily, who coined the phrase "surprise poop" - not a term I was happy to have stick around our household as long as it has. So, what was going wrong here?? I was doing my best to cook nutritious, wholesome food for my family, and they can't digest it?!
Let's take a step back. I am a lover of food. I am blessed with an athlete's metabolism (undeservedly), a strong stomach, and an adventurous palette, and I come from a family who likes to talk about the food we're eating, freely exchanging recipes and discussing how food was prepared. When Emily was a baby, she had blowout after blowout of breastmilk poop, and disposable diapers didn't do anything to contain it. For most of the first year of her life, it was pretty much expected that she'd go through at least two outfits a day. But since she was that way from day one, I didn't really question diet much. I was just eating whatever I want in mass quantities because I was nursing, and remember that fantastic metabolism? I can't help but wonder if the poor girl would have had an easier time if I had actually given it a second thought, but everyone told me, "She'll outgrow it once she starts solid foods." Until she was 9 months old and discovered hamburger, she seemed to believe that baby food was only for wearing, not consuming, so I was quite happy when she would eat anything at all, and she chose meat. And cheese. And aside from the surprise poops during potty training, she's been pretty happy ever since, with a few fruits and almost no veggies. She seemed to know what her system could take.
Welcome baby Audrey, and it's more of the same, except she decided she likes food and will eat nearly everything. Imagine my relief! All of my effort making homemade baby food, pureeing things and making a disaster of my kitchen, and then she actually would eat it! Hooray!! except... disaster diapers continue. And continue for a year. Once again, "She'll outgrow it, don't worry..." And she didn't, clear into potty training at about age 2. (I say about because it was a multiple-month process. But really, who could learn how to handle her functions when she had no idea they were happening? Poor girl. And poor me, because I'm guessing nearly every square foot of my house has been peed or pooped upon.) Finally, I kept a food diary of everything I was feeding Audrey. And I mean, every single ingredient in every serving of anything she consumed, which was tricky because not only was she in daycare 3 days a week, but she's also a raccoon and liked to dig through the garbage for edible treasures. After what I thought was a false discovery of apples, I decided onions were the major the problem. And my chiropractor recommended probiotics, which Audrey took daily for probably 6 months, and the combination of those two efforts finally, FINALLY allowed her to control her output. And she potty trained almost immediately after that.
During this whole time, in the back of my mind, was the story of my friend's sister, who had struggled with digestive issues throughout her childhood, IBS in high school, Crohn's disease in her 20's, and then finally colon cancer. And then she died, leaving behind a girl just the age of my Emily. I'm not saying that untreated food sensitivities can eventually kill you, because I really don't know much more of my friend's sister's story than what I just mentioned. But I do know she really struggled throughout her life, and I was watching my daughter struggle, and I was in that rare mental state of a working mother who splits her time at home between cleaning up yet another set of pooped clothing and suffering from first-trimester exhaustion and morning sickness. I was going a little bit crazy. Okay, I was really, really crazy, and nothing seemed reassuring.
I'd take my children to their regular checkups, because although I am a little bit crunchy (I'm cloth-diapering my 3rd daughter, using chemical-free cleaning products, and get my kids adjusted at the chiropractor), I still vaccinate on time and did the hospital birth, complete with induction and epidurals for all 3. So at every single checkup, they'd ask, "How are her stools?" and I would say, every time, "Awful. Horrendous. Pieces of undigested food. Slime. Frequent. Painful and surprising for her. I have to change her right away or she gets painful, bloody diaper rash. The quantity is crazy. I don't know how she's growing at all." But because each girl kept gaining weight, no one was the least bit concerned. I finally requested a stool sample analysis for Audrey, and they were happy to charge me $500 to tell me she didn't have a parasite. And that was it. They sent me on my way and I was expected to just let the kid suffer until she outgrew it, "hopefully." As long as the child isn't constipated (which they would just recommend Miralax for anyway, and not truly diagnose what was causing it) they don't really care. Western medicine is wonderful for those who are injured or suffering a disease, but for those who are seeking to be healthy, it's incredibly frustrating.
So, last year, I welcomed baby #3, named her Clara, and crossed my fingers that she'd be as exceptional and amazing her sisters in every way except for super-pooping. Nope - just like her sisters, as I eased off breastfeeding and approached her first birthday, her output got slimier and less predictable. I actually broke down crying the other day over a diaper. Even the laundry service who washes thousands of diapers every week couldn't get these clean, and when I complained, they said it was ridiculous that they didn't seem clean - nobody had ever complained before. Once again, I started going a little crazy, but this time, internet searches yield a little more. I've been reading more and more about the effects of gluten, preservatives, food coloring, and artificial sweeteners. Finally, I see it: Fructose Malabsorption. And things finally start to fall into place. I remember a friend whose son gets diarrhea after Halloween every year. I remember another friend who couldn't eat apples when she was in college, and eventually gave up wheat because she felt so ill when she ate it, along with her own odd collection of other things that seemed unrelated (but all contain fructose or fructans!). I remember how things were worse with Audrey, who would eat anything I made, and not as severe with Emily who stuck with meat, cheese, and bananas. I remember how giving up onions was the magic, healing thing for Audrey, and how giving Clara probiotics in applesauce didn't help her like I thought it would. So I took the plunge - gluten-free, fructose free for less than a week, and Clara pooped a log. I was so excited that I wrote to Jamie and texted my husband and called my mom, all about a piece of poop. Yup.
Someday, Clara will probably outgrow this, which probably means that she doesn't truly have the condition but rather just an immature, sensitive gut. I don't really care, as long as I know how to keep her from suffering until her little gut matures to the point where she can handle some gluten or fructose here and there. But it took me 3 children and 5 years to finally figure this out. I wish so much that I could go back in time with this information in order to alleviate all the struggles we had - not just laundry, but the emotional toil of potty training a kid who I knew was capable and smart enough to go potty but whose colon wouldn't cooperate. I am so excited that I may not have to face that battle with Clara! I am so relieved that I know how to help my kids when their tummies hurt. I am glad to have a method to my madness. Yes, I'm now a part of the annoying culture of, "My kid is special because she can't eat ____," but I'm also okay with providing her own food and not making it someone else's problem. Like I said, she will probably outgrow this, like her sisters seem to have, since they can have applesauce and pasta without a surprise poop afterwards.
That's my long, sad story. I guess the moral is that you've gotta figure it out on your own. Reassurance is nice when you feel like you're going crazy, but you know what's nicer? HELP. There are resources like naturopathic medicine that wish I had taken my daughters to, because I could have done better for them. I did what I could by keeping my diligent food diary and continuing to do internet research, because standard medical professionals are not interested. You have to do this on your own, and demand help when you know something isn't right. And you have to pay attention, too, because I'm guessing that a lot of the disposable diapers that I changed on my oldest would have concerned me, but I didn't look because, really, eww, who wants to look, right? Well, we should. What comes out of your child was very recently a big percentage of her internal make-up and a very important part of her system. It plays a big part in how she feels and acts and grows. I live in Iowa (birthplace of HFCS - you're welcome, America!) and I work in the agriculture industry, so I know that farmers who raise cattle are very, very interested in their cows' output because it indicates that they are feeding them the right things for optimal milk production or weight gain. If they'll send off samples of manure for a detailed lab analysis, then we as parents can take a peek in a diaper. And we should care, not just when they're in pain from constipation or we are annoyed that they are withholding. Doctors should too, but in the end, it's up to us to feed each child what she needs in order to grow and feel her best.
It seems like the latest "fad" that everybody is allergic or sensitive to some kind of food or another. I've always been thankful that my three daughters (5, 3, and 13 months) have had no dietary restrictions, other than the self-inflicted kind! I am proud to say that I exclusively breastfed my babies for a full year, and never had to use a drop of formula. I am a really good cook, having learned from my mother how to make things from scratch and from Rachael Ray how to do it fast, and we generally eat pretty tasty food around here. I didn't think my cooking style needed any adjustment until my middle daughter, Audrey, was potty training, and she couldn't master pooping in the potty because she had no control of her movements. It was insanely frustrating. I had already gone through a less-severe version with my first daughter Emily, who coined the phrase "surprise poop" - not a term I was happy to have stick around our household as long as it has. So, what was going wrong here?? I was doing my best to cook nutritious, wholesome food for my family, and they can't digest it?!
Let's take a step back. I am a lover of food. I am blessed with an athlete's metabolism (undeservedly), a strong stomach, and an adventurous palette, and I come from a family who likes to talk about the food we're eating, freely exchanging recipes and discussing how food was prepared. When Emily was a baby, she had blowout after blowout of breastmilk poop, and disposable diapers didn't do anything to contain it. For most of the first year of her life, it was pretty much expected that she'd go through at least two outfits a day. But since she was that way from day one, I didn't really question diet much. I was just eating whatever I want in mass quantities because I was nursing, and remember that fantastic metabolism? I can't help but wonder if the poor girl would have had an easier time if I had actually given it a second thought, but everyone told me, "She'll outgrow it once she starts solid foods." Until she was 9 months old and discovered hamburger, she seemed to believe that baby food was only for wearing, not consuming, so I was quite happy when she would eat anything at all, and she chose meat. And cheese. And aside from the surprise poops during potty training, she's been pretty happy ever since, with a few fruits and almost no veggies. She seemed to know what her system could take.
Welcome baby Audrey, and it's more of the same, except she decided she likes food and will eat nearly everything. Imagine my relief! All of my effort making homemade baby food, pureeing things and making a disaster of my kitchen, and then she actually would eat it! Hooray!! except... disaster diapers continue. And continue for a year. Once again, "She'll outgrow it, don't worry..." And she didn't, clear into potty training at about age 2. (I say about because it was a multiple-month process. But really, who could learn how to handle her functions when she had no idea they were happening? Poor girl. And poor me, because I'm guessing nearly every square foot of my house has been peed or pooped upon.) Finally, I kept a food diary of everything I was feeding Audrey. And I mean, every single ingredient in every serving of anything she consumed, which was tricky because not only was she in daycare 3 days a week, but she's also a raccoon and liked to dig through the garbage for edible treasures. After what I thought was a false discovery of apples, I decided onions were the major the problem. And my chiropractor recommended probiotics, which Audrey took daily for probably 6 months, and the combination of those two efforts finally, FINALLY allowed her to control her output. And she potty trained almost immediately after that.
During this whole time, in the back of my mind, was the story of my friend's sister, who had struggled with digestive issues throughout her childhood, IBS in high school, Crohn's disease in her 20's, and then finally colon cancer. And then she died, leaving behind a girl just the age of my Emily. I'm not saying that untreated food sensitivities can eventually kill you, because I really don't know much more of my friend's sister's story than what I just mentioned. But I do know she really struggled throughout her life, and I was watching my daughter struggle, and I was in that rare mental state of a working mother who splits her time at home between cleaning up yet another set of pooped clothing and suffering from first-trimester exhaustion and morning sickness. I was going a little bit crazy. Okay, I was really, really crazy, and nothing seemed reassuring.
I'd take my children to their regular checkups, because although I am a little bit crunchy (I'm cloth-diapering my 3rd daughter, using chemical-free cleaning products, and get my kids adjusted at the chiropractor), I still vaccinate on time and did the hospital birth, complete with induction and epidurals for all 3. So at every single checkup, they'd ask, "How are her stools?" and I would say, every time, "Awful. Horrendous. Pieces of undigested food. Slime. Frequent. Painful and surprising for her. I have to change her right away or she gets painful, bloody diaper rash. The quantity is crazy. I don't know how she's growing at all." But because each girl kept gaining weight, no one was the least bit concerned. I finally requested a stool sample analysis for Audrey, and they were happy to charge me $500 to tell me she didn't have a parasite. And that was it. They sent me on my way and I was expected to just let the kid suffer until she outgrew it, "hopefully." As long as the child isn't constipated (which they would just recommend Miralax for anyway, and not truly diagnose what was causing it) they don't really care. Western medicine is wonderful for those who are injured or suffering a disease, but for those who are seeking to be healthy, it's incredibly frustrating.
So, last year, I welcomed baby #3, named her Clara, and crossed my fingers that she'd be as exceptional and amazing her sisters in every way except for super-pooping. Nope - just like her sisters, as I eased off breastfeeding and approached her first birthday, her output got slimier and less predictable. I actually broke down crying the other day over a diaper. Even the laundry service who washes thousands of diapers every week couldn't get these clean, and when I complained, they said it was ridiculous that they didn't seem clean - nobody had ever complained before. Once again, I started going a little crazy, but this time, internet searches yield a little more. I've been reading more and more about the effects of gluten, preservatives, food coloring, and artificial sweeteners. Finally, I see it: Fructose Malabsorption. And things finally start to fall into place. I remember a friend whose son gets diarrhea after Halloween every year. I remember another friend who couldn't eat apples when she was in college, and eventually gave up wheat because she felt so ill when she ate it, along with her own odd collection of other things that seemed unrelated (but all contain fructose or fructans!). I remember how things were worse with Audrey, who would eat anything I made, and not as severe with Emily who stuck with meat, cheese, and bananas. I remember how giving up onions was the magic, healing thing for Audrey, and how giving Clara probiotics in applesauce didn't help her like I thought it would. So I took the plunge - gluten-free, fructose free for less than a week, and Clara pooped a log. I was so excited that I wrote to Jamie and texted my husband and called my mom, all about a piece of poop. Yup.
Someday, Clara will probably outgrow this, which probably means that she doesn't truly have the condition but rather just an immature, sensitive gut. I don't really care, as long as I know how to keep her from suffering until her little gut matures to the point where she can handle some gluten or fructose here and there. But it took me 3 children and 5 years to finally figure this out. I wish so much that I could go back in time with this information in order to alleviate all the struggles we had - not just laundry, but the emotional toil of potty training a kid who I knew was capable and smart enough to go potty but whose colon wouldn't cooperate. I am so excited that I may not have to face that battle with Clara! I am so relieved that I know how to help my kids when their tummies hurt. I am glad to have a method to my madness. Yes, I'm now a part of the annoying culture of, "My kid is special because she can't eat ____," but I'm also okay with providing her own food and not making it someone else's problem. Like I said, she will probably outgrow this, like her sisters seem to have, since they can have applesauce and pasta without a surprise poop afterwards.
That's my long, sad story. I guess the moral is that you've gotta figure it out on your own. Reassurance is nice when you feel like you're going crazy, but you know what's nicer? HELP. There are resources like naturopathic medicine that wish I had taken my daughters to, because I could have done better for them. I did what I could by keeping my diligent food diary and continuing to do internet research, because standard medical professionals are not interested. You have to do this on your own, and demand help when you know something isn't right. And you have to pay attention, too, because I'm guessing that a lot of the disposable diapers that I changed on my oldest would have concerned me, but I didn't look because, really, eww, who wants to look, right? Well, we should. What comes out of your child was very recently a big percentage of her internal make-up and a very important part of her system. It plays a big part in how she feels and acts and grows. I live in Iowa (birthplace of HFCS - you're welcome, America!) and I work in the agriculture industry, so I know that farmers who raise cattle are very, very interested in their cows' output because it indicates that they are feeding them the right things for optimal milk production or weight gain. If they'll send off samples of manure for a detailed lab analysis, then we as parents can take a peek in a diaper. And we should care, not just when they're in pain from constipation or we are annoyed that they are withholding. Doctors should too, but in the end, it's up to us to feed each child what she needs in order to grow and feel her best.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
End of an era
I should be asleep, but I am having trouble relaxing tonight. I left Travis with the girls tonight while I went out and did a few social things with friends, and even though I got home at 8:30 I'm still having trouble unwinding. I missed bedtime for the first time since Clara was born!!! I have rocked her, nursed her, and laid her in her crib every single night of her existence, except tonight. I am really pretty sad, even though I did still get to kiss her sleeping head when I went to bed (initially). I'm actually looking forward to hearing her squawk at 6AM tomorrow, and then snuggling with her in bed until another little girl tells me it's time to get up.
Anyway, this blog started when I got pregnant, and since that time there have only been a few months where I was not pregnant or nursing. Three babies, ZERO formula!! Yeah!! It's crazy the amount of dedication my body has put into these little creatures, and how much I love them. I'm proud of myself, too, because for as many things as I get wrong, I'm doing my very best in other ways, too.
So, tonight I go to bed as just another post-childbearing-aged woman. And, the mother of 3 very special little people. I'll try to focus on the latter, not the former.
Anyway, this blog started when I got pregnant, and since that time there have only been a few months where I was not pregnant or nursing. Three babies, ZERO formula!! Yeah!! It's crazy the amount of dedication my body has put into these little creatures, and how much I love them. I'm proud of myself, too, because for as many things as I get wrong, I'm doing my very best in other ways, too.
So, tonight I go to bed as just another post-childbearing-aged woman. And, the mother of 3 very special little people. I'll try to focus on the latter, not the former.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Um, June!
Does anyone even read this anymore? :) I guess at this point I'm just keeping going so that Clara knows I was delighting in her milestones as much as I did in Emily's and Audrey's. So first off, what my littlest love has been up to:
She took her first steps on her birthday, just a little shuffle towards me, after we had taken her 12-month cupcake pictures in the backyard. The next day was her birthday party, and just as guests were coming, Travis went to take her picture next to the Happy Birthday sign, and she decided to walk over to me instead! So we have picture documentation of her first steps. Since then, she's gotten to the point where she generally prefers walking, although if she's upset or in a hurry or someplace weird (long grass in the backyard) she'll resort to crawling. She has given up morning nap, but has held on to nighttime nursing. She tried to get me to nurse her to sleep for nap a few days ago, by pulling up on my shirt and spitting out her pacifier, whimpering pathetically. But I didn't cave! We can't be adding feedings back in! Although it's tempting, considering her tummy troubles as of late. I don't know what will help, but breastmilk couldn't hurt. So that's the other reason I'm not arguing with her wanting to nurse at night. My suspicion is that she may not be getting enough fat in her diet. I read that a toddler is supposed to get 30% of her calories from fat, and since she's eating all the same food as the rest of us, I doubt she's getting that (heaven forbid we put mayo or butter on anything!!). This is another reason they say to give toddlers whole milk and not anything lighter, but I took it a step further and have been feeding her straight-up half & half. Why not?? :) If you've gotta learn to like drinking something else, why go with anything except pure deliciousness? And she's coming around to it, so I'd call it a success. Especially if I get her back to producing logs again. It's been a very, very stinky week.
Anyway, enough about poop and more about my delightful daughters. Clara is very good at making her preferences known through shrieks and grunts, and is still very much attached to me, and to her pacifier. Audrey is having a fantastic time being 3 and a half. She seems to float through each day, happy and smiley and telling me every so often that she loves me, which is nice although I think it's probably more just a sign of her general contentment. Tucking her in at night, I marvel at how beautiful and happy she is, and how could another day of her 4th year be over and gone?? Emily asked Travis to take her training wheels off her bike, so that was a pretty special Father's Day for him. She can really go, now! Audrey can still coast down the hill on her balance bike, and they look so happy and carefree, sailing down the sidewalk in their cool summer dresses (backless, of course!).
They are signed up to go to a summer class next week, about fun science stuff. I am pretty excited for them. It had better be cool, considering how expensive it was, but I love the idea that they can go together (it's for 3-5YO's) so I splurged. They are having a great time now that summer is really here. I got out the wading pool tonight, and they all 3 enjoyed that and Clara's water table that she got for her birthday. Our backyard is so shady and pleasant on summer evenings, that it makes it easy to just chill out together. I also signed them up for swimming lessons during the first two weeks in July, so we'll see how that goes! Emily has almost no experience swimming in anything other than a wading pool, and she's very "first child" cautious. But on the heels of the bike success, maybe it'll go really well!
Travis has continued his crazy work schedule, with this week and a few weeks ago dedicated to people who are in town from all over the world. Due to Des Moines' lack of public transportation, he gets to shuttle them around to places, and shmooze with them at I-Cubs games and other events. tonight he is on his way back from Moline with another group of them. He was gone by 6:15 this morning and won't be home until 10:00, probably. He said he might take tomorrow afternoon off to spend some time at home, but it's a crock that he'll probably actually take vacation to do that. But he loves his job, and will be going to Singapore in early July so I guess a person would say that it's all going well. We realized, a week after preschool had ended, that one of Emily's friends in her class that she talked about all the time had the last name of Israel - yeah, the granddaughter of the president of JDF. But Travis is in such a position that he actually had a chance to talk with him, and chatted with how Emily is friends with his granddaughter. I am so impressed with Travis, professionally (and other ways too, of course!). I think it's really incredible what he's done with his career and how he manages to make me and the girls a priority, too. We have such a happy little life here.
I should dedicate at least a paragraph to the major family event, in The Greek Wedding! Travis's brother got married to a wonderful girl, and they had an amazing party to celebrate. Her family is Greek, so the ceremony was in the Greek Orthodox church and it was really interesting. There was a lot of repetition (3x, for Father, Son, Holy Spirit) so it seemed a little OCD at times but mostly just adventurous. Mark's godfather is a retired Catholic priest, so he participated in the ceremony by providing a blessing for the couple. It was one of many, many emotionally moving moments on the weekend. The girls did a fantastic job as flower girls -- I sure hope the photographer got some pictures of them because I only have a few from snapshots that other people took and while they're cute, they're not truly representative of how adorable they were. I wasn't in documentation mode that day, or I would've at least gotten my phone out and snapped a picture of all those curls I worked on... oh well, it was definitely not the most important part of the weekend, by far. :) It was really fun to welcome Lea to the family, and to feel like truly one of the welcomers. Over the past 10 years, I have truly gained a family, and she's lucky she gets to do the same!
To be honest, it's been hard to want to blog lately. It took weeks to get a replacement computer, and it's not like I didn't have internet access, I just didn't want to be using equipment that reminded me of that stupid, stupid blunder of leaving the back door unlocked. And there have been a few stressful things in my family of origin... my sister's ex-husband took her to court for contempt, as a violation of the divorce decree because she wrote the wrong date on a tax form. That asshole spent thousands of dollars in attorney fees, and forced her to do the same, to get a ruling that said she had to pay his $80 CPA fee because he's too dumb to know how to file for an extension from the IRS -- which is FREE. Forunately, the court realized that the other 2 things he was charging her with were completely bogus, but she still had to pay the $80 to him, plus $500 of his attorney fees. That stress is over, at least, but it stirs everything up again, and for as anxious as it makes Jenny, it makes her girls, too. And my mom was a lunatic for a few days - who can blame her, right?? The court could have found her guilty on 3 counts, with a punishment of 90 days in jail. So yeah, Mom was out of her head, and I was spending time talking her down, going through Jenny's emails trying to prove that Jenny had done her very best in the situation, and talking her through what to discuss with her attorney, reassuring her that the $580 fine is money well spent to make it go away, and all the other emotional turmoil on it. It's exhausting. Why can't their divorce just be done and stay done?
And I don't know if it's appropriate to mention here, because some of you personally know the peopel involved, but I think if you're reading this I can trust you to be discrete with the information. It's going to get out at some point, anyway. My sister-in-law told me, on my birthday, that she has been cheating on my brother, for at least 10 years, their entire relationship, with many many different guys. She has been formally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a misleading name because it implies that it's on the line between sick and well, but it's not, it's the border between two different kinds of mentally ill. And the diagnosis fits, now that her behavior is coming to light. She is apparently a tremendous liar, which is a testimony to her incredible intelligence, and armed with that she has been able to nearly function through her adult life. Until she finally got cornered into a mess she couldn't lie her way out of. In coming clean to her therapist, it's been a very ugly unraveling of lies. There are a lot of details more to it than that, but basically they are separating, with a divorce probably on the horizon (she has moved out of the house, so Dan lives there with their son). Personally, I am crushed because I have truly loved her like a sister. I feel personally betrayed and distrustful and... then guilty because she's truly ill, and am I turning my back on her, because the Kerri I loved is still there, somewhere, separate from the BPD? Or do I betray Dan by wishing I could support Kerri too? And then more guilt because really it's not about me, it's about Dan and his son. I have my own happy little life with delightful daughters and amazing husband, but, I can't begin to dive in to sort it out... it's just too much to digest, at times. The contrast between my life and my siblings' lives is blinding, really. I've been trying to be supportive of Dan as best I can, but there's not much I can do at this point. There's also the guilt that I have supported Jenny constantly throughout her divorce, aware of every action she took, whereas Dan found out about Kerri's history and diagnosis nearly a year ago, and I only just found out about it, and there's nothing I can do anyway.
So, I didn't know if I should include this kind of thing here... but it's what's going on in my life. I love my brother, and it stings to see this happen to him, just as much as it does to see Jenny dealing with her things. In the ultimate of ironies, Jenny's ex has been insisting for years that she has BPD and should be kept from her children because she's so mentally ill. He even spent most of his time on the stand during the contempt hearing railing about how controlling and awful she is, though it had nothing to do with what he was formally accusing her of doing. She absolutely does not have BPD, and it's clear to see when compared to someone who does. It is the most awful of awful things that I can now make such a direct comparison.
When I was 13, my dad's sister got married, and she was the last of my dad's siblings to do so. I remember thinking that then I finally had 4 aunts and 4 uncles on that side of the family. Two weeks after the wedding, my dad's brother died, so it was back to 4 aunts and 3 uncles. The math was a sufficient way for me to wrap my 13-year-old mind around such events. So now, at 33, I have basically gained and lost a sister-in-law in the same month. It's just too weird, and the math doesn't help.
So when Clara wants to stay attached to me, and snuggle and have me hold her, I really don't mind at all. I'd say it's therapy for both of us. I'm going to love her and protect her while I can, before I have to send her out into the world to try to avoid all the awfulness that seems to be always lurking nearby.
She took her first steps on her birthday, just a little shuffle towards me, after we had taken her 12-month cupcake pictures in the backyard. The next day was her birthday party, and just as guests were coming, Travis went to take her picture next to the Happy Birthday sign, and she decided to walk over to me instead! So we have picture documentation of her first steps. Since then, she's gotten to the point where she generally prefers walking, although if she's upset or in a hurry or someplace weird (long grass in the backyard) she'll resort to crawling. She has given up morning nap, but has held on to nighttime nursing. She tried to get me to nurse her to sleep for nap a few days ago, by pulling up on my shirt and spitting out her pacifier, whimpering pathetically. But I didn't cave! We can't be adding feedings back in! Although it's tempting, considering her tummy troubles as of late. I don't know what will help, but breastmilk couldn't hurt. So that's the other reason I'm not arguing with her wanting to nurse at night. My suspicion is that she may not be getting enough fat in her diet. I read that a toddler is supposed to get 30% of her calories from fat, and since she's eating all the same food as the rest of us, I doubt she's getting that (heaven forbid we put mayo or butter on anything!!). This is another reason they say to give toddlers whole milk and not anything lighter, but I took it a step further and have been feeding her straight-up half & half. Why not?? :) If you've gotta learn to like drinking something else, why go with anything except pure deliciousness? And she's coming around to it, so I'd call it a success. Especially if I get her back to producing logs again. It's been a very, very stinky week.
Anyway, enough about poop and more about my delightful daughters. Clara is very good at making her preferences known through shrieks and grunts, and is still very much attached to me, and to her pacifier. Audrey is having a fantastic time being 3 and a half. She seems to float through each day, happy and smiley and telling me every so often that she loves me, which is nice although I think it's probably more just a sign of her general contentment. Tucking her in at night, I marvel at how beautiful and happy she is, and how could another day of her 4th year be over and gone?? Emily asked Travis to take her training wheels off her bike, so that was a pretty special Father's Day for him. She can really go, now! Audrey can still coast down the hill on her balance bike, and they look so happy and carefree, sailing down the sidewalk in their cool summer dresses (backless, of course!).
They are signed up to go to a summer class next week, about fun science stuff. I am pretty excited for them. It had better be cool, considering how expensive it was, but I love the idea that they can go together (it's for 3-5YO's) so I splurged. They are having a great time now that summer is really here. I got out the wading pool tonight, and they all 3 enjoyed that and Clara's water table that she got for her birthday. Our backyard is so shady and pleasant on summer evenings, that it makes it easy to just chill out together. I also signed them up for swimming lessons during the first two weeks in July, so we'll see how that goes! Emily has almost no experience swimming in anything other than a wading pool, and she's very "first child" cautious. But on the heels of the bike success, maybe it'll go really well!
Travis has continued his crazy work schedule, with this week and a few weeks ago dedicated to people who are in town from all over the world. Due to Des Moines' lack of public transportation, he gets to shuttle them around to places, and shmooze with them at I-Cubs games and other events. tonight he is on his way back from Moline with another group of them. He was gone by 6:15 this morning and won't be home until 10:00, probably. He said he might take tomorrow afternoon off to spend some time at home, but it's a crock that he'll probably actually take vacation to do that. But he loves his job, and will be going to Singapore in early July so I guess a person would say that it's all going well. We realized, a week after preschool had ended, that one of Emily's friends in her class that she talked about all the time had the last name of Israel - yeah, the granddaughter of the president of JDF. But Travis is in such a position that he actually had a chance to talk with him, and chatted with how Emily is friends with his granddaughter. I am so impressed with Travis, professionally (and other ways too, of course!). I think it's really incredible what he's done with his career and how he manages to make me and the girls a priority, too. We have such a happy little life here.
I should dedicate at least a paragraph to the major family event, in The Greek Wedding! Travis's brother got married to a wonderful girl, and they had an amazing party to celebrate. Her family is Greek, so the ceremony was in the Greek Orthodox church and it was really interesting. There was a lot of repetition (3x, for Father, Son, Holy Spirit) so it seemed a little OCD at times but mostly just adventurous. Mark's godfather is a retired Catholic priest, so he participated in the ceremony by providing a blessing for the couple. It was one of many, many emotionally moving moments on the weekend. The girls did a fantastic job as flower girls -- I sure hope the photographer got some pictures of them because I only have a few from snapshots that other people took and while they're cute, they're not truly representative of how adorable they were. I wasn't in documentation mode that day, or I would've at least gotten my phone out and snapped a picture of all those curls I worked on... oh well, it was definitely not the most important part of the weekend, by far. :) It was really fun to welcome Lea to the family, and to feel like truly one of the welcomers. Over the past 10 years, I have truly gained a family, and she's lucky she gets to do the same!
To be honest, it's been hard to want to blog lately. It took weeks to get a replacement computer, and it's not like I didn't have internet access, I just didn't want to be using equipment that reminded me of that stupid, stupid blunder of leaving the back door unlocked. And there have been a few stressful things in my family of origin... my sister's ex-husband took her to court for contempt, as a violation of the divorce decree because she wrote the wrong date on a tax form. That asshole spent thousands of dollars in attorney fees, and forced her to do the same, to get a ruling that said she had to pay his $80 CPA fee because he's too dumb to know how to file for an extension from the IRS -- which is FREE. Forunately, the court realized that the other 2 things he was charging her with were completely bogus, but she still had to pay the $80 to him, plus $500 of his attorney fees. That stress is over, at least, but it stirs everything up again, and for as anxious as it makes Jenny, it makes her girls, too. And my mom was a lunatic for a few days - who can blame her, right?? The court could have found her guilty on 3 counts, with a punishment of 90 days in jail. So yeah, Mom was out of her head, and I was spending time talking her down, going through Jenny's emails trying to prove that Jenny had done her very best in the situation, and talking her through what to discuss with her attorney, reassuring her that the $580 fine is money well spent to make it go away, and all the other emotional turmoil on it. It's exhausting. Why can't their divorce just be done and stay done?
And I don't know if it's appropriate to mention here, because some of you personally know the peopel involved, but I think if you're reading this I can trust you to be discrete with the information. It's going to get out at some point, anyway. My sister-in-law told me, on my birthday, that she has been cheating on my brother, for at least 10 years, their entire relationship, with many many different guys. She has been formally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a misleading name because it implies that it's on the line between sick and well, but it's not, it's the border between two different kinds of mentally ill. And the diagnosis fits, now that her behavior is coming to light. She is apparently a tremendous liar, which is a testimony to her incredible intelligence, and armed with that she has been able to nearly function through her adult life. Until she finally got cornered into a mess she couldn't lie her way out of. In coming clean to her therapist, it's been a very ugly unraveling of lies. There are a lot of details more to it than that, but basically they are separating, with a divorce probably on the horizon (she has moved out of the house, so Dan lives there with their son). Personally, I am crushed because I have truly loved her like a sister. I feel personally betrayed and distrustful and... then guilty because she's truly ill, and am I turning my back on her, because the Kerri I loved is still there, somewhere, separate from the BPD? Or do I betray Dan by wishing I could support Kerri too? And then more guilt because really it's not about me, it's about Dan and his son. I have my own happy little life with delightful daughters and amazing husband, but, I can't begin to dive in to sort it out... it's just too much to digest, at times. The contrast between my life and my siblings' lives is blinding, really. I've been trying to be supportive of Dan as best I can, but there's not much I can do at this point. There's also the guilt that I have supported Jenny constantly throughout her divorce, aware of every action she took, whereas Dan found out about Kerri's history and diagnosis nearly a year ago, and I only just found out about it, and there's nothing I can do anyway.
So, I didn't know if I should include this kind of thing here... but it's what's going on in my life. I love my brother, and it stings to see this happen to him, just as much as it does to see Jenny dealing with her things. In the ultimate of ironies, Jenny's ex has been insisting for years that she has BPD and should be kept from her children because she's so mentally ill. He even spent most of his time on the stand during the contempt hearing railing about how controlling and awful she is, though it had nothing to do with what he was formally accusing her of doing. She absolutely does not have BPD, and it's clear to see when compared to someone who does. It is the most awful of awful things that I can now make such a direct comparison.
When I was 13, my dad's sister got married, and she was the last of my dad's siblings to do so. I remember thinking that then I finally had 4 aunts and 4 uncles on that side of the family. Two weeks after the wedding, my dad's brother died, so it was back to 4 aunts and 3 uncles. The math was a sufficient way for me to wrap my 13-year-old mind around such events. So now, at 33, I have basically gained and lost a sister-in-law in the same month. It's just too weird, and the math doesn't help.
So when Clara wants to stay attached to me, and snuggle and have me hold her, I really don't mind at all. I'd say it's therapy for both of us. I'm going to love her and protect her while I can, before I have to send her out into the world to try to avoid all the awfulness that seems to be always lurking nearby.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
May!
A lot has happened in the past month. It's FINALLY spring, after having our last snow on May 2, 3, and 4. Emily keeps asking me when summer will get here and I've had to tell her that spring has to come first!!
So, the biggest thing was that our house was broken in to again. When Travis was in Luxembourg for a week, and i had the stomach flu, I decided that I'd take the kids to Target to pick up a few things. It was incredibly bad timing, because as I was leaving, I saw a group of 6 black teenagers across the street, complete with baggy pants and hooded sweatshirts. I told myself not to be prejudiced, they're just bored kids, and went to the store. Meanwhile, they came into the backyard, noticed the back door was unlocked, and helped themselves to my brand new iphone that i had left charging on the counter, and my laptop, digital cameras, and Emily's backpack to carry it all in. Plus some oatmeal cream pies and granola bars. They did not take a bag of change (what kind of dumb burglar doesn't take a bag of money?!), and they weren't able to find anything stashed under my mattress upstairs (who does that, really?). The cops saw these kids shortly afterwards, but they had stashed all the stuff in a neighbor's garbage bin, and so without having anything on their persons, they couldn't hold them. They did bring them in for interviews later, and two of the kids admitted to it, and said they came back for the things in the trash bins later, so it's long gone. So that was totally sucky. I am writing this post from our old laptop, which we had upgraded from back in November, and I am reminded of why we replaced it, because it's hot, noisy, heavy, and hard to type on.
Clara has changed tremendously in the past month. She understands more and more of the things we talk to her about, and she is a really, really good eater! I generally make three plates of food with equal amounts on it, and Clara eats almost as much as Emily but definitely more than Audrey. It's amazing! we're down to one nursing a day, at nighttime, since she refused her morning and then her afternoon nursing sessions, just didn't care to dive in. I'm so sad my last little baby is almost done! I am trying to hold back from calling her Baby so much... but I love calling her that. Such mixed emotions! She is also getting pretty good at standing up on her own, balancing for quite a while, especially if she is engrossed in what she's holding, not thinking about how hard it is to stand up. She's very vocal and increasingly opinionated, especially when her sisters are assaulting her with love. And she is very much attached to me! What a mama's girl!! She likes her dad just fine, but she has strong opinions about where I should be... how dare I run downstairs to grab something from the freezer!! Or shut the bathroom door for a minute!! She scolds me pretty good, and I just laugh at her. :)
Emily is almost done with preschool! Her class invited all the moms in for a mother's day "tea" on thursday this week, and it was so very, very fun. Emily was so excited, and acted so grown up. she offered me the chair at the table, and then offered to pour me some lemonade. We frosted cookies together, admired the lovely "vase" that she had decorated (a water bottle with bits of colored scrap bits glued to it :) ). Then we held hands walking to the car and drove home together. It was lovely! Then when we got home, Audrey had a surprise for me too. Amanda had spent the week working on a project for mother's day with the girls! It's a canvas totebag that she helped them decorate with puffy paint - their handprints in a flower on one side, and the girls decorating a letter of MOM on the other side. It was so cool! I know mother's day isn't even until tomorrow, but I'm already content, I'd say! Back to Emily... she and I have been reading more chapter books recently, including Little House on the Prairie (again) and Betsy-Tacy. It's crazy to think she's old enough for this stuff yet, but she really enjoys it! It won't be long before she dives right into them herself, I think. she's pretty excited for Kindergarten. She participated in their "visit" day, which was really just a way to get the kids into the building and entertain them for a few minutes while they told the parents some information about what to expect.
Audrey sounded out the word "tree" yesterday. And she's been listening to her Wee Sing cassette tapes in the basement, seriously studying the songs and memorizing them. It's crazy how many songs she and emily know the words to now, although their interpretations of the words are funny. "Goom-bye-yarn, my love, Goom-bye-yarn, Oh Loh, Goom-bye-yarn." that's gotta be my favorite, but there are lots more. They can sing Shenandoah all the way through... these are not easy songs! So fun.
I should go get in the shower now while I have the chance. I doubt Clara will be napping in the morning much longer, as she has started experimenting with fighting it off once in a while. I'll admit, it will be a relief in some ways, that we can go out and do stuff in the mornings and not be so tied to the house, and then have maybe a longer respite in the afternoon. She only naps 45 min in the morning and 90 minutes in the afternoon if I'm extremely lucky. She's sleeping through the night well now, though, thanks to her piggy nature at suppertime. So, no complaints there!!
So, the biggest thing was that our house was broken in to again. When Travis was in Luxembourg for a week, and i had the stomach flu, I decided that I'd take the kids to Target to pick up a few things. It was incredibly bad timing, because as I was leaving, I saw a group of 6 black teenagers across the street, complete with baggy pants and hooded sweatshirts. I told myself not to be prejudiced, they're just bored kids, and went to the store. Meanwhile, they came into the backyard, noticed the back door was unlocked, and helped themselves to my brand new iphone that i had left charging on the counter, and my laptop, digital cameras, and Emily's backpack to carry it all in. Plus some oatmeal cream pies and granola bars. They did not take a bag of change (what kind of dumb burglar doesn't take a bag of money?!), and they weren't able to find anything stashed under my mattress upstairs (who does that, really?). The cops saw these kids shortly afterwards, but they had stashed all the stuff in a neighbor's garbage bin, and so without having anything on their persons, they couldn't hold them. They did bring them in for interviews later, and two of the kids admitted to it, and said they came back for the things in the trash bins later, so it's long gone. So that was totally sucky. I am writing this post from our old laptop, which we had upgraded from back in November, and I am reminded of why we replaced it, because it's hot, noisy, heavy, and hard to type on.
Clara has changed tremendously in the past month. She understands more and more of the things we talk to her about, and she is a really, really good eater! I generally make three plates of food with equal amounts on it, and Clara eats almost as much as Emily but definitely more than Audrey. It's amazing! we're down to one nursing a day, at nighttime, since she refused her morning and then her afternoon nursing sessions, just didn't care to dive in. I'm so sad my last little baby is almost done! I am trying to hold back from calling her Baby so much... but I love calling her that. Such mixed emotions! She is also getting pretty good at standing up on her own, balancing for quite a while, especially if she is engrossed in what she's holding, not thinking about how hard it is to stand up. She's very vocal and increasingly opinionated, especially when her sisters are assaulting her with love. And she is very much attached to me! What a mama's girl!! She likes her dad just fine, but she has strong opinions about where I should be... how dare I run downstairs to grab something from the freezer!! Or shut the bathroom door for a minute!! She scolds me pretty good, and I just laugh at her. :)
Emily is almost done with preschool! Her class invited all the moms in for a mother's day "tea" on thursday this week, and it was so very, very fun. Emily was so excited, and acted so grown up. she offered me the chair at the table, and then offered to pour me some lemonade. We frosted cookies together, admired the lovely "vase" that she had decorated (a water bottle with bits of colored scrap bits glued to it :) ). Then we held hands walking to the car and drove home together. It was lovely! Then when we got home, Audrey had a surprise for me too. Amanda had spent the week working on a project for mother's day with the girls! It's a canvas totebag that she helped them decorate with puffy paint - their handprints in a flower on one side, and the girls decorating a letter of MOM on the other side. It was so cool! I know mother's day isn't even until tomorrow, but I'm already content, I'd say! Back to Emily... she and I have been reading more chapter books recently, including Little House on the Prairie (again) and Betsy-Tacy. It's crazy to think she's old enough for this stuff yet, but she really enjoys it! It won't be long before she dives right into them herself, I think. she's pretty excited for Kindergarten. She participated in their "visit" day, which was really just a way to get the kids into the building and entertain them for a few minutes while they told the parents some information about what to expect.
Audrey sounded out the word "tree" yesterday. And she's been listening to her Wee Sing cassette tapes in the basement, seriously studying the songs and memorizing them. It's crazy how many songs she and emily know the words to now, although their interpretations of the words are funny. "Goom-bye-yarn, my love, Goom-bye-yarn, Oh Loh, Goom-bye-yarn." that's gotta be my favorite, but there are lots more. They can sing Shenandoah all the way through... these are not easy songs! So fun.
I should go get in the shower now while I have the chance. I doubt Clara will be napping in the morning much longer, as she has started experimenting with fighting it off once in a while. I'll admit, it will be a relief in some ways, that we can go out and do stuff in the mornings and not be so tied to the house, and then have maybe a longer respite in the afternoon. She only naps 45 min in the morning and 90 minutes in the afternoon if I'm extremely lucky. She's sleeping through the night well now, though, thanks to her piggy nature at suppertime. So, no complaints there!!
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Letter to Emily
Emily brought a note home from school asking us to write a letter to Emily. The teacher will read it out loud to the class during large group time, one kid per day. I like what I wrote so I'm posting it here.
Dear Emily,
I know
a sparkly little girl with golden blond hair and gray eyes. She has two fun little sisters that she loves
very much. She has a dad who reads books
in silly ways, and a mom who makes her yummy lunches.
This imaginative
little girl has fairies and butterflies hanging in her room, and her name that’s
hidden behind her bunk bed. She loves to
do projects and create new and beautiful things for the wall above her desk. She bounces on her toes when she runs, and
flies through the air when she swings.
This brave little girl likes to
ride behind her dad on the trail-a-bike, as scary and exciting as it is! She knows where everything in her house is, and
she likes to offer good suggestions to solve problems. She can make breakfast for herself, and even
for her sisters, too! When it
thunderstorms during the day, she makes funny faces so she isn’t scared by the
thunder, and at night she knows that hiding under the covers helps, too.
This
amazing girl can sing beautifully and memorize poetry. She is kind and caring to her mom when she
has been awake all night with the baby, and to her sisters when they are
feeling sad or need help. She is so fun
that all of her cousins love to have her come to their houses to play. She has a pretty smile that she wears all the
time, along with her favorite beautiful dresses and hair that she styles
herself. She asks clever questions that
keep her parents on their toes, and every day she does cool new things that
make them so very proud.
She is
a sweetheart, and I love her very, very much.
Do you know her? Of course! It’s YOU!
Love,
Mom
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