The much awaited event:

It's April!!! Hooray!!! The grass is green, the weather is full of thunderstorms and warm breezes, and Baby has loosened its death grip on my intestines. Could the world get any better?

I know you all have been wanting to see this picture but have been too kind to beg for it, so here it is. This is as attractive as I get when I take my own time-delayed picture at the end of a Monday, btw.

Honestly, I could suck it in a bit more, but I tried to focus on a natural state and this is what came about. Also note the huge boobs. You all know me well enough to know they've never reached past the plane of my huge nose before - look at 'em go!!!!

I am at week 14 - officially second trimester. Baby is the size of a clenched fist now, and pretty much has all the necessary components to be a real person after all its first trimester development. I'm told that the second trimester is all about growth (more so than development) - apparently both for Baby and for me. So, one pound a week, here I come!! (ready or not - eep!)

I had a pregnancy-related event today at work that made me laugh for a good hour, at least. My wonderful sister has lent (lended?) me some pants to wear while I'm getting larger and having a hard time finding things for work. I put on a pair of satiny soft black pants this morning, and I noticed the waist was a little snug but I figured I would be all right for the day. By about 9:00 I was regretting it and went for the rubberband for the top button. "Ahhh, much better." A bit later, as I was sitting at my desk, I looked down to marvel (confused, a bit) at how much that rubber band had helped, to see that the zipper had completely broken - the slide had come up off the top, and the seam then tore apart. "Ohhh!! No wonder they felt so much better!!" My only option (besides one which would render impossible the inevitable 6 trips to the bathroom remaining in the day) was to drive home home to change pants. So I did, and called my sister, laughing. "I'm sorry I ruined your pants!" "I'm sorry I gave you defective pants!" and so on, with much all-around ridiculousness. I suppose, when considering the alternatives, that today's events were possibly the best reason a person would need to go home in the middle of the day to change her pants. Or, the least awful, rather.

I can't say why, but that whole thing sure brightened my day. I also won $20 for making 13 free-throws in a row. It seems my attempts to give to charitable fundraising events at work are a bit futile when I come out at a profit (I think I only chipped in $3), but I did try! And only one other person in the plant made more in a row, although if my brother would've shown up he would've easily kicked my tail.

All in all, April is off to a pretty good start. I hope it is where you are, too!

A lengthy entry on a sensitive subject

It's 9:00 on a Saturday... and I've just put on my stretchy pants while Hubby goes to a house party. Hmm, not exactly how the song goes. :) It's okay - I'm happy to blog with the windows open and the smell of a spring thunderstorm about me. The sensitive subect: Travis and I have been talking for a long time (longer than I've been pregnant) about baptizing our children. So, tonight, I share with you all some of my thoughts, and welcome your comments.

In my email inbox tonight was the bi-weekly newsletter that I get from Collegiate Methodist church in Ames where Trav and I got married. I also get the newsletter from my home church (Lutheran, ELCA) in Rockford, and I enjoy reading the note from the pastor when I get them. You may or may not know this about me, but that's about all the religious introspection I do anymore. I haven't been to church on an average Sunday since probably college, though I do go with Travis's family (Catholic) when they go. In their church I have graduated to kneeling instead of staying seated, not because I am feeling more welcomed as a Protestant but because in that tiny church it is awkward to kneel while someone is kneeling behind you, breathing down your neck. The amazing thing about that church - Trav's mom and other ladies from the church held the nicest, most welcoming bridal shower for me, and every time I am there, I'm recognized and talked to like an old friend. Wonderful people there - but still an exclusive Members Only feel, with all the genuflecting and the exclusive communion. I know it's just a Catholic thing, but it's one of the many reasons Travis is okay with leaving Catholicism.

I am playing my violin in the pit orchestra for a co-worker's church (E-Free) in Ames for their Palm Sunday production next weekend. This co-worker wears Promise Keepers polos to work and although he is not in any way overbearing or evangelical at work, he is obviously a person of conservative, unquestioning faith. He's quite possibly the only scientist I know that is 100% Creationist, and he is adamant that religious doctrine should be taught in public schools. I am careful to avoid any religious discussion with him, not because I dread the proselytizing but because I'm afraid of what I would say in outrage and complete disagreement. :) I do feel just a bit guilty about being paid to play in this service, since I am pretty sure his wife is playing trumpet in the pit unpaid as a member of the church, but it's quite a drive up to Ames and I can't see myself going to this church for any other reason. Really not my cup of tea. I do wonder what his kids are learning, and how they will come of age with those teachings to draw on.

So those are the things I consider when I think about my faith. Raised Lutheran, married a Catholic in a Methodist church, and not much since then. I've talked some with my parents about how they chose the Lutheran church, and they said it's because that's where many of their friends were going and it was the only church in town with a choir - not exactly a decision based on doctrine or deep faith. All my life, discussions with them about faith have been intellectual rather than belief-based, which is also what I liked about Collegiate in Ames. When I get interested in the Bible, it's mostly out of historical and proverbial sense - not so much for faith or praise. And let's face it - I lead a charmed life. I haven't really ever dealt with death, catastrophe, or even major disappointments for a good long while, so I haven't even missed having a faith to fall back on as people so often do (I am the anti-Job, apparently). Even with my accident last summer, when I marveled at how easily I could've been hurt worse or even killed, and I knew so many people were praying for me, I wasn't drawn into deep belief. I did think about it at the time, and my thoughts were, "Wow, God must love me, and there must be a good reason I wasn't more seriously hurt. I'll see what that is as my life goes on," and that was all.

I am also fortunate that in my discussions with Travis, we're pretty much on the same page on all of this so no matter where we go, I feel good that we're on the journey together. He and I both have a respect for people of faith and for those who actively serve their churches, but kind of in the same way that I respect counselors and social workers and other people who lead lives of service to others. We don't want to just go through the motions, "punch the ticket" every week, but for right now we're not sure where we want to go from here.

I know it will be important to Trav's parents that our baby is baptized, and I am fairly confident they're not concerned if it's not a Catholic baptism as long as it's a baptism (I could not ask for more wonderful in-laws). My parents would probably be okay with no baptism (surprised, but probably okay), though I think my extended family may not like it as well. Really, I do want to raise my child as a person of faith. I have no doubt my kid will be intellectually curious, so I want to make sure I do everything to foster a healthy relationship with God since so many of the most brilliant people I know (that's you, my friends) have confided in me that conflicts about belief in Christianity added even more turmoil and internal strife to growing up. And who needed more, really?!?! I suppose it's to be expected, but it doesn't seem necessary.

So do I seek out a church now, just to find something suitable to get the kid dunked before it becomes an issue with the families? If I don't now, will I ever? Will my kid feel weird when he goes to school and other kids all go to Sunday School but he/she doesn't? I'm very hesitant about sending my kids to Sunday School since I don't want them being taught crazy things about sin, or how the Devil is a real thing or that God only loves or forgives Christians. I don't believe any of those things, I don't believe they are essential to being a Christian, and I really think they can screw up an introspective kid as he/she becomes ready to come into his/herself as a person of faith. I want to have religious discussions with my kids, but I don't want sole responsibility - I'm certainly not qualified to homeschool on that topic. Does anybody know of a nerdy, liberal church nearby?? :)

Tomorrow will be another Sunday where I sleep in late and then read the entire paper. I'm going to enjoy these pre-kid Sundays as precious days to get a full night's sleep, and really revel in it since I know they are numbered. But as that countdown goes, so slips away the time I have to make many of these decisions.

Thanks for taking the time to read all of this! There'll be more entertaining pregnancy talk later.

Ambivalence

I believe that "ambivalent" is a very good way to describe how I'm feeling. Rather than feeling neither way, it means instead feeling strongly in two directions, actually, and that's pretty accurate for me. It would be less scary if I have a girl but I like the idea of my kids having a big brother. I even dreamed last night that I found out through a blood test (possible only in dreams) that the baby is a boy, and I was really mad because they told me. But, I wasn't the least bit upset that it was a boy, when all along I thought I really wanted a girl most. So that's some good ambivalence.

But most of the ambivalence is much more difficult to wrap my tiny brain around. The thought of quitting my job is very strange, since there have been many days recently that I have felt ready to leave it in an instant. But the thought of not having a JohnDeere.com email, or a paycheck, or the constant interaction with other adults, its all very weird to think about leaving. And why am I studying so hard and working on this promotion if I'm okay with leaving it behind? On the other hand, could I really leave my baby with someone else every day?? I know that it'll be overwhelming and I'll be ready for someone else to take him/her at some point, but right now I just can't fathom that. What do I do?

And I haven't been able to completely shake the worry from last week - if I'm not excited about baby stuff, does that mean I'm not excited about my baby? It's not like I'm very aware of him/her right now, you know. I heard the heartbeat two weeks ago and it'll be another two before I hear it again, so I feel like I've lost contact! My friend told me tonight that she felt her son move at 14 weeks, so I'm actually looking forward to that so it'll feel more real, and maybe I'll be able to stem off my anxiety with excitement. Btw, I'm at 12 weeks, and Baby is the size of a "large plum," so about 2.5 inches. I am left with 3 pairs of pants, 2 bras, and 2 pairs of jeans that really comfortably fit me well, but hey, if I'm working with an extra 2.5" of baby, that's not at all bad!

Rubber Band Woman

I won't post a picture just yet (just not ready), but I am seriously starting to show. Not through my clothes, really, because I seem to have quite the selection of forgiving shirts. But today I wore my gray pants that pre-pregnancy had an extra inch in the waistband, and today I couldn't button them. I fastened the top button with a rubber band all day. I'm sure nobody has noticed, but I'm seeing it, and feeling it. When I lay down on my side at night to sleep, I get the feeling that I've eaten WAY too much for dinner and my gut is hanging out, but it's really just hanging out. And yes, there's probably still some intestinal contributions to that. I get daily emails from whattoexpect.com, and they said in week 11 I can expect to be more gassy than usual. Duh! I'm afraid I'm going to kill an innocent bystander if they come near me at the wrong moment.

So, that's the glory of pregnancy. I'm not as exhausted as I was two weeks ago, although I'm being very careful about that because I'm also quite short-tempered when not well-rested. I need a sign over my head that says "CAUTION: Bitchy when tired." That's probably one that will stick with me into motherhood. *sigh*

And through all of this I'm supposed to be getting excited about meeting this new person that's growing inside me. Instead I am thinking about what pants will fit me tomorrow, what I can eat that won't reek havoc on my insides (and later, the innocent bystander in the stall next to me), getting enough exercise, enough sleep, and all the things I should get done before I'm enormous. I've got a couple trips planned for this summer that I need to prepare for, and once those are over it'll be time to think about things like baby furniture, clothes and toys (hand-me-downs vs. new?), a baby registry, even daycare. At what point do I sit back and marvel at what I'm going through, besides examining each detail in order to minimize it? Because face it, really "feeling" pregnant isn't that great of a feeling so far, and I know it'll get lots worse before it's over - exponentially so at the very end. Even some of the stuff that should be exciting is seeming like a chore that I'm not ready to tackle just yet. Hmm. Maybe once I feel the little guy moving it'll be different.

A new nickname

So those of you who know Travis somewhat well know he's a pretty silly guy deep down. Over the years he has had several nicknames for me (I won't list) but right after we got married it changed from Favorite Fiance to simply Wife. It has morphed again into: Big Tits McWife (shortened to BTM-dub on occasion). Isn't that hilarious?!? Anyway, most people would probably never notice the difference just to look at me, but I have to say that I most definitely can tell. I swear, half of the 5 lbs I dropped last summer came off my chest, so it's nice to think now that as I'm gaining weight it's going back someplace relatively favorable. But seriously, this is plenty. I never wanted to be more than a B-cup so it can stop now. Please.

Speaking of weight, I've gained the 3 lbs recommended for the first trimester, and I've still got 2-3 weeks to go. But what's a pound or two, right?:) The last two days at work I have been sitting at my desk, and either stood up for a while to ease the pressure on my waistband, or even - yes, already - unbuttoned the top button for relief. There has to be somebody who has marketed waistband extenders for the newly pregnant, so maybe this afternoon I'll do some online searching to see what's out there that I can copy homemade.

It's a beautiful day in Iowa today! It was warm enough for me to walk/jog 3 miles in a sweatshirt and sweatpants, and it felt GOOD to get out and do that. I'd say 2/3 of our snow is gone, and it smells like spring outside. :) Trav and I did some housecleaning this morning so it feels good to relax for a bit in a clean, relatively tidy house. And, it's almost time for March Madness, which I inexplicably and unabashedly love. Tonight, we go out with friends to celebrate a birthday. I have ended this week with a much better attitude than it started. Thanks, Friends, for thinking of me from a distance!

Waltzing Matilda

I promise I won't name my baby Matilda.

But he/she has a heartbeat!!!! And it's three times as fast as mine (hence the waltzing). The doctor said we'd be lucky to hear a heartbeat at 10 weeks, but guaranteed to hear one at 14, so I didn't really have my hopes up. But there it was, woozh-woozh-woozhing away!!! Talk about a thrilling start to the day!

I told my coworkers today, and they are all very happy for me. I've gotta tell you, I'm feeling much better today than yesterday. I practiced my violin tonight for the first time in months, and while it wasn't all that pretty, I played stuff that I just enjoy hearing. It was relaxing and satisfying, and I think Baby liked it too. :) I like the thought that I'm playing an instrument that vibrates through me - even though he/she doesn't have ears yet, maybe it can feel the vibrations? who knows.

PLUS, I decided that my March blues were in fact being caused by lack of exercise. This is just what would always happen after basketball season ended in February during high school, and it's pretty much what I've been going through - going from exercising hard nearly every day to almost nothing. Apparently, getting my blood pumping hard does wonders for my psyche. Or even if I've just decided I know what the cause is of these miserable "blah" effects, I feel better about fighting it. My doctor said I probably still shouldn't run all that much, but that I should try to do whatever I can ("If it hurts, don't do it." "...but what if it only hurts a little?"). And since we've heard a heartbeat, there isn't much (short of picking up a cocaine habit) that can cause the baby to miscarry at this point.

Hooray! SO much happier than yesterday.

That time of year, perhaps.

So is it just me, or does anyone else think that March totally sucks???

I know, I can hardly talk since I never lost power with the two weeks of snowstorms that we had, so I've had it relatively good. But I made it through February, which is typically miserable anyway, thinking that March would be my light at the end of the tunnel. Instead, it's one snowy, wet, cold, and crappy day after the next. Even all the bright sunshine can't cheer me up. My main issue: I'm LAAAAZY. It's too cold in my house to do anything without a blanket, so I sit wrapped up in my huge chair for hours. I blame pregnancy for lacking energy, but there's really no excuse for my extreme lack of accomplishments in the past 2 weeks. Saturday, I mopped the kitchen floor and grocery shopped, topping all activities from the previous week. Sunday, I started the (already loaded) dishwasher, and that's it. Today's not looking good either. And all I can say is, "I just don't feel like doing anything." Blah. The future August-Kristin is hating current March-Kristin for having free time and mobility and not making the most of it!!

So, do I blame the time of year? Or my little prune? (upgraded from olive last week). My appointment with the OB is tomorrow, so maybe I'll ask. This is week 10, btw.

I'm making lemon bars tonight to take to work tomorrow. If all goes well at the appointment, I'll tell people at work, and thus will begin the flood of people telling me how my life will change so much and how I don't look that big yet. I know people mean well, and I do genuinely like many of my coworkers so it'll be fun to tell them, but I just am not quite down with the idea of people talking to me about my body size/shape and my lifestyle. Or worse, about me. I've always thought my workplace is decently gossip-free, but perhaps I just avoid the gossipers (likely). For self-preservation, I'll probably stick with oblivion again. Man... Who knew that after all these years of trying not to be, I am still this self-conscious?

And since I just got home from work, I'm going to go put on some comfy pants. Because yes, I am already getting bigger. Yikes! :)